It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior. I can see how my mind jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself. This jumping/switching I discovered through working on my timelines within the DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro). Invaluable!
PROBLEM: It started when I went to a meeting in which there was a woman speaking of her experience with an addiction. As I listened to her story, I became increasingly angry at her. I reacted with judgement, blame and comparison, and engaged in backchat like, ‘stupid woman, what an idiot, doesn’t she learn, how dare she loose her children just so she could drink/use, how selfish, I wasn’t that bad, I did not loose my children, I raised my children!’ Definitely, superiority there.
This woman was volunteering her time, to share/be completely vulnerable in front of a fairly large group of people, I did not know her at all, I really needed to get out of the house and was glad there was a meeting (12 Step Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous) close by that I could walk to. So why was I so angry/reactive? I fell into the trap of, ‘…separating you from others in your own Mind with believing your own perceptions, interpretations and assumptions more than actually getting to know a person.‘ There she was going through the timeline of her life and I was moving too fast in my own quantum mind, bringing all my memories throughout my life with me, I did not stop and consider all she had to deal with, within her own mind pre-programming, how she experienced herself moment to moment, where she came from-the economic conditions and emotional parental support or non-support she received, her parents emotional state, etc. I know I experienced it as ‘painful’ to listen to her story, I felt pity for her/her mom and anger toward ‘the system’ for how and where they had to live. There it is…I experienced myself as inferior to ‘the system’ and reacted with a hopelessness/helplessness and giving up like, ‘its to late for them’ and ‘oh, we’ll never change this country so people do not have to live this way, I hate the abuse poverty creates for women and children’ even more specifically, ‘she had no chance from the start, I hate her story, it’s completely unfair, just a birth lottery, she did not deserve this, that girl/woman who was born on the ‘other side of the tracks’ who grew up safe/wealthy did not deserve it any more than this poor woman did…’
I found it very painful to hear her story , I was experiencing myself as inferior to the situation (young single mothers and poverty) and reacted with pity and a hopelessness. So….as my mind became more overwhelmed/did not want to experience this emotionalnegativity any longer, it simply switched gears to a positive energy experience, by going into superiority/seeing myself as more than, where I connected the emotional reactions of anger, blame within backchat like, ‘omg, well, it was her own fault, stupid woman, she never learned, she made the same mistake over and over, oh brother, how could she do that to her children when she grew up that way? I was a better mom to my children, I didn’t do that…’
I have become increasingly more aware of this pattern (of allowing/participating in internal gossip) over the last few years, as I attend AA meetings, where I go into superiority and react with judgement, anger, blame. Then, when the meeting is over I ‘feel bad’/guilty about my reactions. When the talk is done and I thank the speaker, I genuinely wonder, ‘why was I gossiping about them in my mind? What was I so angry about? They put themselves out there for me tonight, I must stop doing this. I am genuinely grateful to them. I understand they are walking a healing process just like I am!’
This is unacceptable to me now. I have seen this pattern long enough. I now understand it is me following/believing my own mind-carrying the past with me as I listen to a speaker-and then validating my judgements with more backchat. I realize this takes work: it is not comfortable/takes considerable effort to remain with breath/body in awareness in each moment, like it is ‘hard/difficult’ but that is not what is important here. The DIP, from consciousness to awareness, is a relatively new process for me and I can see the more I do it, the more it becomes natural, like a new programming within me, I can also see the obvious, that stopping this pattern of reaction is best for me, the speaker and best for all, thus this is what I commit to do.
To continue with the solution, as changing myself within, by stopping this pattern of reactions, thus changing my life and my world without.