DAY 338: Changing Myself in Moments: Reactions of Superiority 2

superiority 3For proper context to this post, please read Reactions of Superiority: PART 1

From Part 1:  It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgement and as judgement think, ‘Wtf, why does she keep making the same mistake over and over again!?’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself believe my own vicious backchat-as internal gossip, ‘…separating you from others in your own Mind with believing your own perceptions, interpretations and assumptions more than actually getting to know a person.‘ with thoughts like, stupid woman, what an idiot, doesn’t she learn, how dare she loose her children just so she could drink/use, how selfish, I wasn’t that bad, I did not loose my children, I raised my children!’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself experience myself as superior to the speaker at the AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous), where I connect the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement, spite, andcomparison & engage in pictures/imaginations and memories, all from the starting point of my own the past, in relations to what this woman was sharing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the initial reaction of sadness/pain/ coming from the starting point of FEAR, as I experienced myself as inferior to the situation/hearing this woman’s tragic account of her life, like I couldn’t change it /control it, I was cringing in my seat, I made faces like ‘oh god, when is this torture over?’ sighing and squirming in my seat, but as I looked around for ‘support’ lol to catch another’s eye I could see everyone was sitting/listening quietly, respectfully, patiently…(I realize inside some could have felt as I did).

Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that because I did not enjoy this sad, fearful experience, which was really just how my mind was interpreting reality in that moment, my mind wanted to go to a positiveexperience, as in not wanting to feel so down/blue/heavy so I allowed my mind to jump to the positive energetic experience, within a false sense of empowerment, AS ANGER.

To continue

 

74683_433818130021417_1544061821_nPersonal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

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