Day 341: Comparison & Competition

over

Before I continue on with more superiority points, I need to take a step back and examine some comparisons that have surfaced, specifically yesterday.  Three days ago I started getting ill, with flu like symptoms, they were quite severe, although I was not throwing up, my body did eliminate everything in it and I was terribly nauseous, weak, tired, perhaps with a fever (or increased menopausal sweats) and overall felt incredibly sick and had to spend most of Monday in bed and Tuesday taking it easy and eating very light.  Although I am feeling better this morning, I can see that my being and body relationship has changed, within walking this process from consciousness to awareness, and I cannot indulge in building up energies reactions-whether subtle or severe or whether positive (feelings) or negative (emotions), without a quantum physical consequence, of quickly becoming overwhelmed and my stomach being upset/nauseous.

For anyone who experiences anxiety/overwhemlingness, I highly suggest listening to the Atlanteans 269:  Overwhelmed:  Back to Basics.  After hearing this audio, I realize I require, once again, to slow down so I can direct these energies instead of allowing them to overwhelm me in moments, so I am able to walk my real time process instead of having to ‘go to bed’ because I am so ill.

I was feeling pretty good yesterday, then two points of comparison and competition came up in my mind, in the afternoon which overwhelmed me back into the reactions of nausea and (menopausal) sweats.  The first was a feeling of ‘less than’/inferiority while watching someone do a video presentation where I victimized myself/bullied myself by participating in self-beliefs and self-judgments with backchat like, ‘X is better than me, I could not do that, I wouldn’t have the words/knowledge, I don’t have that ability to talk for so long on a subject, and X is better looking/natural beauty and I am not, X is smarter than me, I am not as valuable as X, X does important things/contributes in important ways, I do not, I have to focus just on myself, X is ‘ahead’ of me in process, she’ thinks she’s so great, I can’t compete with X.’

Within this, was also competition and comparison in relation to my children (about same age to X) within reactions of jealousy and desire with backchat like, ‘I want my kids to do videos like X does, why does she get to do these videos and not my kids , L and R are awesome too, I want L and R to ‘shine’ like that,  to look so generous and benevolent, I fell short as a parent…’
compareThen I went to practice playing the piano and singing- in full awareness- a few songs I wrote.  I fell into a thinking pattern where I imagine marketing one of the songs to tv series, in which I take myself from excited to disappointed and defeated, imagining the promotion company is not interested. I do this by comparing and competition, thinking my song will not be ‘good enough’/contemporary-today-hip enough–even typing this I feel pain tension in my upper arms and extremely nauseous!  So, here I go swinging from one polarity to another, both extreme, first within the positive with  high ‘hopes’ and expectations as positive backchat like, ‘this would sound awesome with a choir in the background, this would sound awesome with this actress singing with a simple acoustic’, then to the negative within reactions of  giving up before I even start, ‘it’s too late, your music is not ‘today’, they won’t like the theme/lyrics, it doesn’t exactly suit the show’ carrying all the past with me, memories/pictures/self-beliefs.

To continue

 

individuality 2DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support  DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

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