Day 342: Comparison & Competition 2: Can Comparison Cause Illness?

compare 2Please read Day 341: Comparison and Competition  for context to this blog post.  From part 1: …two points of comparison and competition came up in my mind, in the afternoon which overwhelmed me back into the reactions of nausea and (menopausal) sweats.  The first was a feeling of ‘less than’/inferiority while watching someone do a video presentation where I victimized and bullied myself by participating in specific self-beliefs and self-judgments…

overAs these reactions of comparison and competition arise, I find I am going into a state of overwhelmingness.  For anyone who experiences anxiety/overwhemlingness, I highly suggest listening to the Atlanteans 269:  Overwhelmed:  Back to Basics

So I will examine these reactions within the thought:  ‘They are better than me, I’m not good enough.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘they are better than me, I’m not good enough’ and to hold this as a self-belief within and as me.  In this self-belief, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself-often before I even try one step-in relation to speaking about  politics/economics and in relation to songwriting.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I am inferior to X ( while watching X do a video presentation) & inferior to other songwriters/musicians/performers, where I participate in pictures and imaginations in my mind & where I victimize myself by falling into self-beliefs and self-judgments with backchat like, ‘X is better than me, I could not do that, I wouldn’t have the words/knowledge, I don’t have that ability to talk for so long on a subject, and X is better looking/natural beauty and I am not, X is smarter than me, I am not as valuable as X, X does important things/contributes in important ways, I do not, I have to focus just on myself, X is ‘ahead’ of me in process, she’ thinks she’s so great, I can’t compete with X.’   And in relation to songwriting within imaginations and backchats swinging from the positive to the negative like, ‘‘this would sound awesome with a choir in the background, this would sound awesome with this actress singing with a simple acoustic’, to ‘it’s too late, your music is not ‘today’, they won’t like the theme/lyrics, it doesn’t really suit the show’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with X, in relation to myself and my children, like we do not ‘measure up’, we are not doing as important things with our lives.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reactions of jealousy, anger, regret, self-judgement, self-blame, all adding up to becoming overwhelmed, where I then go into a state of rushing like, ‘omg I have to do something/change so I am worthy, so I am accepted, so they ‘like’ me, so I ‘fit in’ , so I feel validated, so I know who I am!’

Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am connecting the idea of time, within a self-limitation that there is not enough time, where I inferiorize myself to the task at hand, as in improving/perfecting a skill.

Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that it is the comparisons- and competition within them- that I am allowing to sabotage me, where I jump from polarities of experiencing myself as superior to inferior in my imaginations, so I am moving too fast.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to place too much emotional pressure on my body, where I am not aware how with each unstable breath as thought/emotion/feeling, I am accumulating more and more suppressed emotional energy, until the body cannot handle anymore-there is no more room!-causing the body to get ill as it is forced to release this energy through sweats and severe nausea (flu like symptoms), with the consequence that I cannot continue with my daily responsibilities.

To Continue

comparePersonal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

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