Please read Day 341: Comparison and Competition part 1 and 2 for context to this blog post. From part 2:
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to place too much emotional pressure on my body, where I am not aware how with each unstable breath as thought/emotion/feeling, I am accumulating more and more suppressed emotional energy, until the body cannot handle anymore-there is no more room!-causing the body to get ill as it is forced to release this energy through sweats and severe nausea (flu like symptoms), with the consequence that I cannot continue with my daily responsibilities….So I will examine these reactions within the thought: ‘They are better than me, I’m not good enough.’
This audio from Eqafe was a huge support, as it assisted me to see how I am holding onto energies, holding them in my body and how this is literally harming my physical. Suppressed Emotions in Your Body part 2
When and as I see myself participating in the design of comparison and competition, where I see myself/my art/my efforts as less than another’s I stop and breathe. I remind myself to ground myself here in physical reality, to put my hands on my chest and breath my awareness/beingness out of my mind and back into my body. I realize I have been putting my trust in energy which is flimsy/fleeting/comes and goes like ‘a thief in the night’, it steal and robs from me what is my right, as limitless/freedom to express in each moment, by insisting I am nothing more than a collection of memories INSTEAD OF placing my trust in the physical, which is solid, eternal, unconditional in it’s standing, consistent. I also realize this is separation, this is inequality, not just for myself but for all-the other I was comparing myself to- as I cannot enjoy /learn from another’s creation/efforts when I am lost in self-interest, my small, secret mind of the past, who I tell myself I am (through mind participation) ‘this is all you are and ever will be’. Thus, I commit myself to catch myself at the first thought and take it no further when I see any comparisons arise in my mind.
When and as I see myself falling into comparison/competition-in relation to songwriting and video presentations-where I connect the emotional reactions of jealousy, anger, regret, self-judgement, self-blame, all adding up to becoming overwhelmed and placing too much emotional pressure on my body, I stop and breathe. I remind myself it is no longer acceptable to me to take these energies so far as to cause harm to myself, my body, my daily life and relationships. I realize it is a process to learn to move with the physical, out of the mind of energy, within awareness of each breath and of the physical world, so I gently remind myself to be patient with me. I can see I am stabilizing over the last few days, not nearly as sick but still alot of sweating (menopause) and still do not sleep well. Thus, I commit myself to slowing down and take it one breath at a time-focusing on what is before me.
When and as I see myself falling into the pattern of comparison/competition in relation to ‘being better’ than another, within the polarities of good/bad, success/failure I stop and breathe. I remind myself to look for similarities not just differences and to see these differences as opportunities for self-growth/expansion/learning, I remind myself to get to know the other person that I admire/admire certain sills that they possess, to ask questions, to share and give to them as well–even if it is simply giving them the opportunity to teach/give to me. I realize I do not want to be better than another in reality, I do not want to separate myself from another within a hierarchy/grading systems based mostly on the money system/capitalism in this world, I just want to achieve what they have/have that skill that I admire in them. I understand that it is the money system that I am angry at, that it is the money system stops one from attempting all one can, in many areas of life, because of lack of money/resources AND it is myself, as what I have accepted and allowed as the mind that I am angry at. Thus, I commit myself to rebuilding my relationships, with my self and others, from the starting point of stability not energy, to building upon the solid, dependable foundation of the physical, not within comparison and competition but within what is best for all-which is the physical.
When and as I see myself experiencing myself as overwhelmed and I go into rushing, where I fear it is too late/there is not enough time for me to learn a new skill/perfect a skill, I stop, I breathe. I firmly state ‘NO, I will not continue in this rushing energy’ and I ask myself ‘R U S self H here?’ as in where the hell am I? In the past? Yes, so I bring my self/being/awareness back to the present/what is before me in reality and continue with the task at hand/carry on with my day. I realize the physical moves slow, not in a rushing, buzzing state, but steady, stable thus creating something that will last forever and cannot be lost/taken away. I also realize the physical moves within equality and oneness, knowing all is made up of atoms & molecules that are exactly the same substance, hence they are equal because they are literally the same thing, just different/varying forms, shapes and colors etc. with different amounts of space in between, thus why compare something that is equal and one to itself?