From Part 1: I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat-internal conversation in my own mind- like, ‘it is too difficult/impossible to be aware of each breath, I keep forgetting the gentle in breath, it’s too late anyway-I’m going to sweat alot tonight, oh forget it -I’ll never have a good night sleep again, omg I’m going into a sweat shit I failed again, what a joke I am to have thought I could transcend this – I can’t do it, how can I get things done in my day AND remember to focus on body/breath awareness!…’
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that these backchats are building up energies, creating instability /inner turmoil within my body, mind & being thus creating the very thing I am trying to avoid-night sweats!
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of fear, frustration, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, self-sabotage all fueling the mind as it is building up and storing anxiety energies within me and leading to a collapse, where I experience myself as inferior to the situation of hot flashes/night sweats ‘it is impossible, I cannot do this’ and then fall into a pattern of giving up.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am moving too fast in these ‘giving up’ moments, where imaginations are quickly flashing through my mind, seeing myself having a difficult night/having trouble going to sleep/waking up continually all night/being tired in the morning.
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the positive feeling reactions of: excitement, relief, happiness, hope, anticipation after I have had a good night sleep, but then fall into a polarized negative energy reaction of self-sabotage where I experience myself as inferior to my body and the sweats and think, ‘What if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the process of moment to moment awareness, where I participate in a self-belief that I cannot stick with/remain with a point that I am learning /a new point to completion, perfection until it becomes a natural part of me/my day/my life.
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by telling myself something that I have gained/accomplished is ‘too good to be true/it won’t last/I will loose this good thing’ where I do not give/gift this new skill/experience to myself because I ultimately experience myself as inferior to it and/or others, connecting the emotional reactions of fear-I don’t believe I deserve it, self-judgement as in low self-worth/self-acceptance. I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a self-belief that someone ‘above’ me/superior to me has to approve first for me to ‘possess this skill/have this thing’ in a way that is real and lasting so it cannot be taken away or lost, whether it is something personal/internal or material/external, AND that they (the superior ones above me) are condescending/throwing me a bone kind of thing ‘little Sandy’, like ‘ya ok, she can have that little bit/one piece I suppose’ where I am not even imagining real/lasting/substantial change for myself/my life but that those ‘superior’ to me think I am small /insignificant thus harmless so some small change in my life/world/personality won’t be substantial, won’t be a threat.
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far with these backchats and reactions that I cause behavioral changes/my body to change bringing on severe hot flashes, nausea, tiredness, aches and pains in my muscle tissue of my upper arms, shoulders, upper back, neck, stiffening my jaw and causing it to ache, sometimes causing a light headedness/dizziness and literally an instability.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that these behavioral changes manifest consequences of taking time away from my day because I am feeling so weak/ill I have to sleep in the afternoon (versus a 30 minute quiet time/meditation which I find supportive in the afternoon), being tired and lethargic throughout the day, becoming discouraged with myself during my day and giving up on myself, changing my interactions with people online and in my life/familywhere I am not as patient, kind, not treating another as I want to be treated.
BECOME THE LIVING WORD
Eqafe Series – The Crucifixtion of Jesus
Watch/Participate in our Live Google Hangouts:
Personal Growth: DIP – https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess
A Living Income Guaranteed LIG: http://www.youtube.com/LivingIncome