Day 349: Reacting to Another’s Changing Moods

angry momHere, I am looking at childhood memories, in relation to when my Mom would get angry at me and my siblings and I would have nightmares of having 2 moms, a good/nice mom and a mean/evil mom. I saw myself as a helpless victim within my familyhome/relationship to my mom and was a very fearful of her changing moods/behaviours. According to how I perceived the situation, I experienced myself as either safe/happy or unsafe/fearful thus allowing others/my external environment to control/direct who I am/how I behave in any given moment. I also experienced myself as fearful of the unkown, like ‘what happened to my loving mother, where did she go, who is this, I don’t understand this person in front of me, how do I respond to this person who is so angry at me, what do I do?’ I can see now I was afraid of having that which I trust turn against me, thus losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarities of good and bad, within judgements toward my mom.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the situation in relation to my mom’s changing moods, where I react to my mom in extremes, swinging from feeling safe/happy to unsafe/fearful thus allowing another/my external environment to control/direct who I am/how I behave in any given moment.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear/experience fear of losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear of losing my parents whenever I think that my mother is angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception and observation of my mom’s expression as being ‘angry’ and being an ‘evil mom’ to trigger and activate an emotional pattern within myself of fear of losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when facing something which I do not understand and know what the outcome will be.

angry mom 2I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom to be angry and so assume I can no longer direct myself and the situation, as in lack of control.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of having that which I trust turn against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the situation, in relation to my mom’s changing moods, where I victimize myself through the pattern of reacting in fear that no one /nothing can be trusted/I am alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me, where I victimize myself by judging another as wrong/bad and so I can no longer trust them.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself falling into patterns of reacting within self-victimization & fear to another’s mood/reactions, where I fear losing that person/the relationship/losing that which I know and trust/ I fear the unknown/I believe that which I trust has turned against me so I am alone, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I do not have to react/change within myself to another’s reactions/changing behaviour, whether it be a positive or negative  but I can support myself and the other, within what is unfolding in the moment, by remaining stable/bringing myself back to reality/stability. I also realize, as a child I did not know better and victimized myself in these situations with my mom but I am able today to see I don’t need another for relationship or someone to provide a home for me, as I have myself and I am stable financially and emotionally. As well, I am more aware of this fear as it comes up within me and so am able to choose not to participate in it, as I understand it is useless/does not change the situation but only adds more conflict/friction within me if/when I react, making a solution more difficult/lengthy to be found. Thus I commit myself to no longer ‘take on’ another’s emotions & feelings/react to another’s reactions, instead I commit to remain out of my mind in self-responsibility.

Eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection

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