Day 350: Fear of Conflict: Reacting to my Mom 2

fighting

I am continuing looking at some memories of my mom (she passed on 2 years ago). As she aged, she would often ask her children to assist her with different chores/tasks and sometimes she would be difficult/controlling, in relation to how we performed them lol. Firstly, I would see myself as superior to her and react with anger,blame, and judgement. Then I would swing into reactions of inferiority as self-doubt, guilt and self-judgement – within the role of dutiful daughter. In conflictual situations, specifically herefamily situations, I can see I am fearful of my own incompetency, within performing certain tasks and my ability to communicate, so I do not speak up in self-honestly/I remain silent. I give the communication a negative charge, as in defining it as a confrontation/argument/fighting. Often, I go into judgement, fear and/or superiority when others do speak up, like ‘I’m not getting into this, they can if they want but I am better/above that kind of behavior/fighting nonsense!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my mom as difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge my mom for how I am experiencing myself, within hanging thepicture, thinking it is because she is difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt and then go into reactions of guilt and self-judgement, in and around this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of judgement/blame and then guilt within standing up/speaking up to my mom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me wherein I go into an experience of guilt and then fear, for speaking up/communicating within family conflict situations because I believe I have ‘hurt my mom’s/another’s feelings and thus made things worse’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when I am struggling within a task and then project this onto another within blame and/or anger. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I think the other will see me as less than/inferior and then I will have to look at this myself/face my own self-belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear that I am less then/inferior to the task that I am facing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern of fear when thinking about speaking up about a situation with a family member. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to givecommunication/speaking with a family member a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom/a family member is angry with me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and fear when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear and anger when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within judgement and superiority when another/family member is speaking up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of superiority and judgement when a family member is speaking in a confrontational tone.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into patterns of fearing family conflict/conflict whereby, instead of speaking-up in the moment self-honestly, I rather internalize reactions of blame and anger, toward another/my mother, then swing into the bullying character where I experience myself as guilty, so to avoid/not have to face the starting point of blaming another, I stop and breathe. I realize once I slow down and remain in the physical it releases the fear as I am assessing the situation just in the moment/physical with a starting point of solutions. I remind myself to not take anything personally but to take responsibility for an outcome that will be best for all involved, then all is simplified and because I am calm I can see a solution with much more clarity and I can move/do/act much more competently to, as in this case fix/repair something for another. Thus I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions of blame and anger and to focus on solutions when assisting another.

Eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection

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DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

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