From Part 1: Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced and still experience/carry with me as memories of when I was a single parent: I compare myself, then see myself as inferior to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have/had a hard life because I have/had no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experiencing myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by reacting within superiority as justifications of blame, righteousness, anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money with: my own self-worth, worthiness in general /the right to life, how I am able to be organized and competent in my life, a belief in secrecy, the idea-within polarities- of: success & failure, strength and weakness, the idea that money gives you power, safety and ‘the right to privacy’ whereas lack of money brings vulnerability/exposure and danger.
In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then blame the women in my family/women I perceive as ‘rich’ for my reaction of judgement within comparison & competition, blame, resentment, and inferiority because it is easier than facing myself/examining my life and living as to why I am financially unstable and feeling less than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a perception within me that because my mom/sister/cousin have ample money, they have an easy and perfect life. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ample money with ‘an easy & perfect life’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt for having this belief/perception exist within me, knowing the human experience is not that simple /everyone has challenges throughout their life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-pity when I think my life is difficult because of having no money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and jealousy and think, ‘I hate my mom/sister/cousin for having such easy lives cause they have ample money’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate ‘doing everything right’ with the amount of money I have and thus justify my life situation, which resulted from my own thoughts/words/deeds.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of polarities, specifically within my own self-beliefs. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inferior and then justify my own inferiority by becoming superior, as in I am better than they are because I am insightful /smart enough to see the truth, the truth being they have money because they married the ‘loyal/faithful/strong husband’ and I married the ‘wrong’ guy who left when things got tough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy, towards the women in my family, for marrying the ‘right guy’ when I married the ‘wrong guy’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a failure/less than and then make myself ‘feel better’ by becoming all righteous, swinging from one extreme to the other and judging others in the process. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘oh, they just look goodcause they have an easy life and so never have to/had to resort to using a substance/medicate themselves, like I have to with alcohol, just to get through a day!’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in judgement, anger, hatred and jealously, comparison, competition towards my mom/sister/cousin, because they make me look bad in comparison to them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, hatred and jealousy to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other women/women in my family being financially stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ they are insensitive to me, they are just stupid rich women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive they should know how I am experiencing myself.
When and as I see myself going into mind patterns of comparison and competition, within how I interpret and react to myself/my life versus the lives of the other women in my family, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is here in physical reality and feel my feet on the ground. I realize comparison/competition are both mind programs/systems that exist as a distraction, so I am accessing pictures in my mind of others and connecting an idea that I am inferior to those images, so then I get caught up inreactions and am not able to effectively direct myself with what is here in my real life! I also realize I am only considering one dimension of my mother’s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture. Finally, I understand that the amount of money one has does not correlate to how ‘perfect’ their life is, as perfection is an inner process resulting in directing oneself towards what is best for all, moment to moment. Thus, I commit myself to stopping all such participation within comparison and competitive thinking, in relation to the women in my family.
So here, I need to re-define the word ‘rich’ –from a point of comparison with all sorts of reactions- based on the past as memories of blame, hate, jealously, resentment, anger-& from how I am living it today (now that I am financial stable) as guilt, worry into the living word as how I express myself self-honestly in each moment here.
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