I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately. I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety. This can be very frightening! Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct! The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable. I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING. Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!
Time to change!
So, I had some good days but a few nights ago anxiety came back with a vengence–as a increasing of tightening in my solar plexes–built up to the point I had to take medication before bed. I was really disappointed in myself, I felt like a failure and worried about my health. The thing is I was surprised at the intensity of the anxiety –right in the center of my chest (solar plexus) –so it must have built up in small moment (where I had reacted to thoughts/memories/imaginations and then emotion) and missed it, throughout the day!
As I was listening to these 2 interviews/audios from Eqafe, which I highly suggest: Panic Attacks: Real Time Change AND Anu’s Process of Creation. I was cleaning around the house with a duster, as I often do household chores each morning, I noticed how tense my whole body was becoming; my face/jaw clenching and my eyes scrunching, forehead scrunching, my upper arms, stomach and solar plexes (chest area)! Even as I am typing this I notice my jaw moving slightly to the left and the clenching of my teeth/jaw happening.
An overall feeling I must hurry up/rush because there is still so much to do, I became increasingly full of self-doubt & fear about the task I was performing –being cleaning up animal hair/dust/fluff/cobwebs (put mr. spider outside).
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat, like: ‘should I be spending time doing this now, I wasn’t planning on doing this now so I should hurry up and get on with what I planned to do today, it just gets dirty again, P. (my partner) expects me to do this, P. does so much this is my job, I must keep up the house or he will criticize/judge me harshly, he thinks he does everything, I don’t do as much as P., I better keep up or I will be in trouble!’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so disappointed in myself, I am a failure, I am too far gone, I am too old to make process. ‘
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotions of fear, worry, regret, sadness, self-pity, and give this experience–of tensing up and participating in backchat while I was cleaning– a negative charge.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by holding onto memories of my dad being mad at my mom if he felt she had not done something right in the home, then projecting these memories onto my relationship and attaching a reaction of fear to it–just like I feared my father -his angry tone towards my mother in these situations, I now fear my husband will do the same to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to review recent phone conversations, where I go into self-doubt and self-judgement thinking /questioning myself, ‘Did I say something wrong? I cut her off when she was sharing something vulnerable! Does she think I am rude because I cut her off? Did I share too much/inappropriately?’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and fall into thought patterns, with pictures in my mind of the people I have spoken to recently.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination of what I should have said, bringing up/connecting more pictures: of the location they are at-or are speaking about, of my other siblings and think ‘I hope he doesn’t call me back, we spoke long enough, I have other stuff to do, I am too busy to talk more’.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have connected an emotion of worry/stress with all of this & then fall into automated behavioral changes-as how I have programmed myself over time of: constricting throat/neck, shortness of breath and very tight stomach muscles.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not here/present with me/my life/life itself but instead lost in my mind of the past-the recent memories/reviewing the conversation and going into the future of the trip I am planning with my siblings/past trips and future seeing my mother-in-law at my daughter’s house. Thus, I am forgetting to focus on what is before me in reality, as here in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have connected a reaction of worry, nervousness, stress to realizing I have been lost in thought patterns about entertainment, family and household responsibilities, which builds up anxiety throughout the day.
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