DAY 368: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 4 – Jealousy

jealous wife 2jealous wifeHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and another in my mind, where I experience myself as inferiorconnecting the reactions of anger, hate, jealousy, insecurity, blame, and judgement in relation to A.’s remarks about another woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself by comparing myself to another woman within competing against her in my mind, like it is a contest and the winner will get A’s love/respect.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this woman in inequality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating in the mind consciousness system’s polarity programming of right and wrong, winner and loser, love and hate, up and down and following these energycycles/patterns as I limit myself and another in my mind & where I compromise my mind, body and being within these limitations, making myself and another characters in a story instead of life here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a state of delusion/experience where I participate in and believe all sorts of nasty backchat in my mind, instead of simply listening/hearing A sharing about another beings qualities/talents/skills and enjoyhis company during dinner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am manipulating myself and my body as I participate in these reactions, allowing the muscles to stiffen/tense thus become achy, my face to scrunch up and my breathing to become shallow.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have become the manifestation of judgement and as judgement connect the emotional reactions of blame, suspicion, anger where I am holding onto perceptions and opinions of people/situations, specifically in this situation projecting my own snobbishness onto A.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am experiencing myself as superior in that moment, suppressing the truth of me that at the core I hold onto a polarized self-belief that I am in fact inferior, in comparison to this woman (& others who I perceive to be ‘well read’ or having a better education/grasp on world &/or local issues or others who I consider ‘well spoken’), because she earns a high income and is athletic/a very good golfer so she can spend time with A in a way that he enjoys and this threatens me.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of: ‘I am not good at public speaking, I am not competent to understand, learn and relate important issues, I am average at best so better for others to do it.’  As well, ‘I am not well read, I do not understand politics or economics or mathematics’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by allowing this comparison I am victimizing myself by participating in my imagination of A getting to know her on the golf course, putting myself in some future moment where he is thinking she is awesome and I am not awesome but average, thereby me not being comfortable in my own skin and just being me, genuine in the moment with A at dinner but instead allowing myself to become defensive, taking it personally as A spoke of this woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of:  ‘I am not awesome, I am average thus any partner I have will get bored of me eventually and abandon me’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am putting/placing a huge amount of stress/pressure on my body & being by separating myself from myself in that moment, not standing as life, realizing that it islife itself-which I am in the process of becoming-that is awesome just being here.

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