Day 351: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 1

poor familydisneydisney 2Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced (to a certain degree still experience/carry with me as memories) of when I was a single parent:  (note: I will write in present tense) where I compare myself, then see myself as inferior, to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have a hard life because I have no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experience myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by jumping to a superiority experience  using justifications, blame, righteousness, anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority towards the women in my family who have more money/financial stability than I do. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical structure of the current money system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve one requires money to be organized and competent and to use this as an excuse for my emotions and behaviour, when I was given my cousins letter to read and within the memory of the xmas party.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ideas, within polarities, of : more than/less than, success/failure, rich/poor, foolish woman/competent woman. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy towards women in my family who have ample money when I am struggling financially to take care of my family/myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I hate them for having so much money when I have none, they don’t know what it is like/how hard my life it/it’s not fair/why is my life like this and there life is so great?’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, jealousy and hatred to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other woman in my family being financially stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my life to other women in my family, specifically in and around the amount of money one has. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than/insignificant/disposable and therefore vulnerable and that they are more than/powerful/special to their partner and the world and therefore safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy because I perceive they are safe, their children are safe, and they have no worries because they have ample money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is a system/program of the mind that exist as a mechanism of deliberate self-distraction – as it brings up images of other people, connected with ideas that I am inferior to those images and then I react emotionally to the images in my mind, where I then miss that which is actually really important and valuable and real, which is my own life within and as my physical reality Here and thus don’t ever really take my life in my own hands and direct my life in a way that is best for me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself within comparisons instead of facing the facts of my life as a single parent with little money and the troubles I am facing with my mind and how I am using alcohol to medicate myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I would face myself/my life I would be able to take corrective steps toward that which I am reacting to, which is- not having a home for my children & not being able to provide for myself and my children to live a dignified life, thus to some degree eliminating the minds tendency to go into comparisons and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the emotional experiences of self-pity, anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy connected with the construct of comparison and competition in the mind between how much money my mom/sister/cousin have and how much money I have – and therein believing that this construct is ‘real’ — when in fact it is not actually real, it has nothing to do with actual reality (in the past: I could have looked at the situation factually-as numbers and made sensible decisions based on that & today: I have ample money) it is just imagination, and so I give away that which is real, my own life, to an illusion, which is the images, thoughts, ideas, interpretations and emotional reactions in the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only one dimension of my mother‘s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and with blame towards the women in my family, who have financial stability. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because they ‘make me look bad‘/shine the light on me so everyone can see how I am a failure and have nothing of value to offer anyone/the world, which means I am disposable/can be overlooked/forgotten and thus be left alone/vulnerable with no one to assist my children and I, so we may perish.

To continue

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Day 350: Fear of Conflict: Reacting to my Mom 2

fighting

I am continuing looking at some memories of my mom (she passed on 2 years ago). As she aged, she would often ask her children to assist her with different chores/tasks and sometimes she would be difficult/controlling, in relation to how we performed them lol. Firstly, I would see myself as superior to her and react with anger,blame, and judgement. Then I would swing into reactions of inferiority as self-doubt, guilt and self-judgement – within the role of dutiful daughter. In conflictual situations, specifically herefamily situations, I can see I am fearful of my own incompetency, within performing certain tasks and my ability to communicate, so I do not speak up in self-honestly/I remain silent. I give the communication a negative charge, as in defining it as a confrontation/argument/fighting. Often, I go into judgement, fear and/or superiority when others do speak up, like ‘I’m not getting into this, they can if they want but I am better/above that kind of behavior/fighting nonsense!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my mom as difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge my mom for how I am experiencing myself, within hanging thepicture, thinking it is because she is difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt and then go into reactions of guilt and self-judgement, in and around this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of judgement/blame and then guilt within standing up/speaking up to my mom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me wherein I go into an experience of guilt and then fear, for speaking up/communicating within family conflict situations because I believe I have ‘hurt my mom’s/another’s feelings and thus made things worse’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when I am struggling within a task and then project this onto another within blame and/or anger. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I think the other will see me as less than/inferior and then I will have to look at this myself/face my own self-belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear that I am less then/inferior to the task that I am facing.

fighting 2I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern of fear when thinking about speaking up about a situation with a family member. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to givecommunication/speaking with a family member a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom/a family member is angry with me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and fear when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear and anger when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within judgement and superiority when another/family member is speaking up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of superiority and judgement when a family member is speaking in a confrontational tone.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into patterns of fearing family conflict/conflict whereby, instead of speaking-up in the moment self-honestly, I rather internalize reactions of blame and anger, toward another/my mother, then swing into the bullying character where I experience myself as guilty, so to avoid/not have to face the starting point of blaming another, I stop and breathe. I realize once I slow down and remain in the physical it releases the fear as I am assessing the situation just in the moment/physical with a starting point of solutions. I remind myself to not take anything personally but to take responsibility for an outcome that will be best for all involved, then all is simplified and because I am calm I can see a solution with much more clarity and I can move/do/act much more competently to, as in this case fix/repair something for another. Thus I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions of blame and anger and to focus on solutions when assisting another.

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Day 349: Reacting to Another’s Changing Moods

angry momHere, I am looking at childhood memories, in relation to when my Mom would get angry at me and my siblings and I would have nightmares of having 2 moms, a good/nice mom and a mean/evil mom. I saw myself as a helpless victim within my familyhome/relationship to my mom and was a very fearful of her changing moods/behaviours. According to how I perceived the situation, I experienced myself as either safe/happy or unsafe/fearful thus allowing others/my external environment to control/direct who I am/how I behave in any given moment. I also experienced myself as fearful of the unkown, like ‘what happened to my loving mother, where did she go, who is this, I don’t understand this person in front of me, how do I respond to this person who is so angry at me, what do I do?’ I can see now I was afraid of having that which I trust turn against me, thus losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarities of good and bad, within judgements toward my mom.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the situation in relation to my mom’s changing moods, where I react to my mom in extremes, swinging from feeling safe/happy to unsafe/fearful thus allowing another/my external environment to control/direct who I am/how I behave in any given moment.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear/experience fear of losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear of losing my parents whenever I think that my mother is angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception and observation of my mom’s expression as being ‘angry’ and being an ‘evil mom’ to trigger and activate an emotional pattern within myself of fear of losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when facing something which I do not understand and know what the outcome will be.

angry mom 2I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom to be angry and so assume I can no longer direct myself and the situation, as in lack of control.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of having that which I trust turn against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the situation, in relation to my mom’s changing moods, where I victimize myself through the pattern of reacting in fear that no one /nothing can be trusted/I am alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me, where I victimize myself by judging another as wrong/bad and so I can no longer trust them.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself falling into patterns of reacting within self-victimization & fear to another’s mood/reactions, where I fear losing that person/the relationship/losing that which I know and trust/ I fear the unknown/I believe that which I trust has turned against me so I am alone, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I do not have to react/change within myself to another’s reactions/changing behaviour, whether it be a positive or negative  but I can support myself and the other, within what is unfolding in the moment, by remaining stable/bringing myself back to reality/stability. I also realize, as a child I did not know better and victimized myself in these situations with my mom but I am able today to see I don’t need another for relationship or someone to provide a home for me, as I have myself and I am stable financially and emotionally. As well, I am more aware of this fear as it comes up within me and so am able to choose not to participate in it, as I understand it is useless/does not change the situation but only adds more conflict/friction within me if/when I react, making a solution more difficult/lengthy to be found. Thus I commit myself to no longer ‘take on’ another’s emotions & feelings/react to another’s reactions, instead I commit to remain out of my mind in self-responsibility.

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Day 348: Addicted to Energy 2: Creating Stability with Breath

cats 2From Addicted to Energy 1:  I have been listening to the Cat from the Animal Life Review series at Eqafe: specifically Cats and Self Discovery, and finding them fascinating and also very practical within walking my daily process.  The point here is to stop myself from moving with/existing as energy (my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions) but instead use my breath – within each moment throughout my day- as a stabilizing force,  here, with and as the physical.  It is suggested with breath not to be aggressive but rather assertive, meaning not to force but to direct ones breathing in a stable, consistent, flowing manner, thus creating physical stability… then practice moving throughout my day in stability and no energy reactions

Why am I reacting automatically?  In moments, when  I am not aware of my body and breath & I allow my mind to wander/drift, I leave myself open/vulnerable to whatever the mind may throw at me, OFTEN imaginations take hold and then I follow them down garden path.

When and as I see myself attaching a negative charge to having summer students-ELS as tennants, where I react in fear, anxiety, worry creating stress/harm to my physical body,  I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to focus on what is before me in this day, I realize it is necessary to earn income and I do overall enjoy having students stay with us.  Thus, I commit myself to breathe, stabilize, plan, shop ahead, cook/prepare some meals and freeze them, thus I am focusing on/acting on solutions in the physical instead of in my mind, looping with problems.

When and as I see myself going into the personality/character of ‘fear of flying’, where I react with intense fear that myself or someone I am close to will die in a plane crash & where I put tremendous stress on my physical body I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to get out of my mind and remain with waht is real and stable here-the physical/my body.   I realize, after I had researched it, flying in reality is quite safe, much more safe than driving in a car, a bus, a train.  In fact a plane takes off /or land every second!! It is very rare that someone dies from a plane crash. Thus, I commit myself to look up these statistics/fact when and as I see I need this reminder.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger and frustration toward my husband’s choices in relation to our home/renovation and other ‘small stuff’ I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to communicate this to him in the physical, in a way that I would want to be spoken to, I see he often has cool ideas that I would not have considered, it is fun to try something new, he is open to/receives verbal communication well, things get resolved/move forward when I speak up!  Thus, I commit myself to stop looping inside my own mind, with complaining, spiteful, nasty inner gossip, where I criticize my husband in my private mind/world.

When and as I see myself react with fear and worry that my son thinks I am annoying when I ask about his day/life I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to get my head out of the clouds and feel my feet on the ground.  I realize most often he is friendly and almost always (if not in a friendly/social mood) he is respectful, as he has matured alot in the last few years/not a teenager. I understand everyone doesn’t want to talk all the time, people need their space, it has been a transition from boy/teen/adult for me as well, I see it is best not to ask him questions/engage first thing in the morning with my son.  Thus, I commit myself to be considerate when choosing an appropriate time to speak with my son and slowing down-be careful of each word I speak- so I do not regret what I said, thus I do not feel the need/desire to review it in my mind/go into self-doubt and other emotions, after we have spoke.

When and as I see myself reacting with annoyance, frustration, anger when my student/tenant is home alot in a day and is asking me questions/wanting to engage/socialize with me  I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself this is part of my job and important for earning income, I also remind myself to treat another as I would want to be treated. I realize it is not the person I am angry/frustrated with, it is more the situation at times, when I am busy and I can let go and enjoy a conversation or assisting her in some way.  Thus, I commit myself to practice moving throughout my day in stability and no energy reactions.

 

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Day 347: Addicted to Energy: Creating Stability

catsI have been listening to the Cat from the Animal Life Review series at Eqafe: specifically Cats and Self Discovery, and finding them fascinating and also very practical within walking my daily process.

The point here is to stop myself from moving with/existing as energy (my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions) but instead use my breath – within each moment throughout my day- as a stabilizing force,  here, with and as the physical.  It is suggested with breath not to be aggressive but rather assertive, meaning not to force but to direct ones breathing in a stable, consistent, flowing manner, thus creating physical stability.

In the 3rd interview, of 6, the cat suggests a practical exercise: look at throughout my day, where am I reacting the most and where throughout my day am I reacting the least, then to walk these extremes within self-correction, with simple/to the point/direct commitment statements.

INTENSE REACTIONS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an intense reaction when thinking about the future, spring and summer, when I will have 2 ELS (English Language Student) boarders, which means I will be proving 3 meals a day for 5 adult, shopping, cooking, cleaning. Specifically, I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I am attaching/connecting an intense emotion of fear, as stress/anxiety, to thinking I will not have enough time for other daily responsibilities, as I am the ‘house mother’ so there is more that I am involved with , with these students (not just meals).

In that, I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I have done this my whole life, as moving as an energy being unaware of the stress I am building up in my body and now, within beginning the processs of walking the quantum physical, I see how I become ill with nausea/upset stomach almost immediately when this patterns occurs within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an intense physical reaction of fear, anxiety, stress & worry on the day my daughter was flying home from her vacation, which built as time went on in the next few days as I did not hear from her-but I did not realize her flight was actually 2 days later and then delayed another day.

In that, I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I have harm my physical body by manifesting digestion problems because I did not see/realize/understand how over time/years, I have created a ‘fear of flying ‘ personality (mostly from watching movies and documentaries about plane crashes) and this energy is like a shock/electrocution of my waters/a storm within me that makes me physically weak and sick.

SUBTLE REACTIONS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger toward my husband’s choice of decor in our bathroom renovation, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear and worry that my son thinks I am annoying when I ask about his day/life, especially in the morning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with annoyance, frustration, anger when my student/tenant is home alot in a day and is asking me questions/wanting to engage/socialize with me.

To Continue

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Day 346: Connecting With My Body – Part 3 – The Living Word ‘Calm’

still 2

For proper context to this blog please read:  Connecting with my Body – Part 1 & Part 2

From Part 1:  What does it mean to stay with my body and breath? In the last few days I have been practicing breathing, while focusing on my body and the word ‘calm’ and adding the word ‘gentle’. Specifically, I focus on a central point in my body, with the in breath, as the solar plexes area and on the principle of ‘stilling my waters’/calming my waters…I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

Commitment Statements–Becoming & Living the Change!

When and as I see myself participating in backchats, where I go into emotional reactions in a quantum moment, which then directly creates instability in my body temperatures I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  that THE MIND’S PURPOSE is that of constant friction/conflict – erratic fuzzy fast buzzing vibration – where I am living with no clarity of purpose/running in fear causing consequential aches and pains in my body, sweats day and night and horrid nausea.  I realize MY PURPOSE: still my waters as becoming the living word ‘calm’  = stability, hereness.

When and as I see myself falling into emotional reactions of fear, frustration, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, self-sabotage – in relation to night sweats-all fueling the mind as it is building up and storing anxiety energies within me AND/OR the positive feeling reactions of: excitement, relief, happiness, hope, anticipation – if I had a night where I did not have as many sweats/a good sleep – I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself that when I see I have left the stability point of ‘calm’, instead of panic/react by essentially electrocuting my waters-throwing lightening bolts into my body/being = waters, I simply direct my beingness/awareness back into my body, meaning BREATHE/GROUND/STABILIZE/FORGIVE/RELEASE.   

When and as I see myself wanting to give-up in relation to the process of consciousness to awareness-specifically here, body/being connection-where experience myself as inferior to the process of moment to moment awareness  I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  to focus on what is before me in my day, move /flow as I accomplish daily tasks.  I realize this wanting to give-up is fear, fear of failure because I tell myself a task is too difficult, but this is only the mind racing/rushing and I realize when I break it down/look at any task point by point facing one small piece is NOT TOO MUCH.  Thus  I commit myself to stop all RUSHING (R U S self H here?) then fear cannot survive in the mind, as there is nothing to react to, as I face one small piece at a time.

When and as I see myself  becoming self-sabotage AND/OR holding on to a self-belief that someone ‘above’ me/superior to me has to approve first for me to succeed in a way that is real and lasting I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  to bring my awareness back to here, I am not a child anymore, there is no older/bigger person (usually a male authority figure) in my life that I fear has power over me.  I realize to give my power away to another victimizes me, as it puts me in a master/slave relationship with another, where I abdicate my responsibility to myself and my world, by blaming the other and this is useless as nothing changes/keeps us both stuck in roles which are limiting to self and to our world.  I can see it is rather to understand than to judge, that is important here, and I do understand it is ultimately not the person in my life-past, present or future-that is to blame/judge/hate but the systems that we as human being have collectively created and allowed to exist on earth, as in:  the money system/the government systems/the economic/legal/corporate/education/healthcare/banking/etc. systems.  Thus I commit myself to put my time and efforts into changing these systems, in the big and small, so they exist in one and equal alignment with that which is best for all = a dignified life for all = a life worth living FOR ALL.  I understand, as life source substance, we are all in fact equal here on earth, no one more than another.  Thus  I commit myself to live the word calm by using a gentle in breathe and focusing my attention/awareness on my solar plexes-while I hold a few moments- and relax my whole body-creating a stability- on the out breath.

When and as I see myself behaving in a way that causes/brings on changes in my physical body of pain, sickness/illness, thus manifesting a number of consequences: taking time away from my day, being tired and lethargic throughout the day, becoming discouraged with myself and giving up on myself, & changing my interactions with people I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  to live the word CALM – as a steady, stable flow versus the word CONSTANT which sounds like a demand. I realize there will always be some energy-as movement- that is automated (as the ongoing functioning of the body and internal organs) thus calm can also be like the ripples in the water (& thus the rippling effect outward into the world). I realize the mind must -for the most part- become still, and I create this stillness by becoming the directive force/awareness of myself in  EACH MOMENT through breath-  eventually, one will be able to direct the body as one becomes more aware of it and it’s functioning, in each moment. Thus  I commit myself to connecting with my body with each breathe = stilling my waters = as a soft flow vs constant demand/vigilance.

BECOME THE LIVING WORD

calm 2Eqafe Series –  The Crucifixtion of Jesus

What Lives In Your Words-The Crucifiction of Jesus-Part 64

DAY 345: CONNECTING WITH MY BODY 2- Calmly staying with Body and Breath

calm_waterFrom Part 1:  I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat-internal conversation in my own mind- like, ‘it is too difficult/impossible to be aware of each breath, I keep forgetting the gentle in breath, it’s too late anyway-I’m going to sweat alot tonight, oh forget it -I’ll never have a good night sleep again, omg I’m going into a sweat shit I failed again, what a joke I am to have thought I could transcend this – I can’t do it, how can I get things done in my day AND remember to focus on body/breath awareness!…’

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that these backchats are building up energies, creating instability /inner turmoil within my body, mind & being thus creating the very thing I am trying to avoid-night sweats!

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of fear, frustration, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, self-sabotage all fueling the mind as it is building up and storing anxiety energies within me and leading to a collapse, where I experience myself as inferior to the situation of hot flashes/night sweats ‘it is impossible, I cannot do this’ and then fall into a pattern of giving up.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am moving too fast in these ‘giving up’ moments, where imaginations are quickly flashing through my mind, seeing myself having a difficult night/having trouble going to sleep/waking up continually all night/being tired in the morning.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the positive feeling reactions of: excitement, relief, happiness, hope, anticipation after I have had a good night sleep, but then fall into a polarized negative energy reaction of self-sabotage where I experience myself as inferior to my body and the sweats and think, ‘What if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far with this thought that I give up on myself, becoming like a child having a tantrum.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the process of moment to moment awareness, where I participate in a self-belief that I cannot stick with/remain with a point that I am learning /a new point to completion, perfection until it becomes a natural part of me/my day/my life.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by telling myself something that I have gained/accomplished is ‘too good to be true/it won’t last/I will loose this good thing’ where I do not give/gift this new skill/experience to myself because I ultimately experience myself as inferior to it and/or others, connecting the emotional reactions of fear-I don’t believe I deserve it, self-judgement as in low self-worth/self-acceptance.  I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a self-belief that someone ‘above’ me/superior to me has to approve first for me to ‘possess this skill/have this thing’ in a way that is real and lasting so it cannot be taken away or lost, whether it is something personal/internal or material/external, AND that they (the superior ones above me) are condescending/throwing me a bone kind of thing ‘little Sandy’, like  ‘ya ok, she can have that little bit/one piece I suppose’ where I am not even imagining real/lasting/substantial change for myself/my life but that those ‘superior’ to me think I am small /insignificant thus harmless so some small change in my life/world/personality won’t be substantial, won’t be a threat.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far with these backchats and reactions that I cause behavioral changes/my body to change bringing on severe hot flashes, nausea, tiredness, aches and pains in my muscle tissue of my upper arms, shoulders, upper back, neck, stiffening my jaw and causing it to ache, sometimes causing a light headedness/dizziness and literally an instability.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that these behavioral changes manifest consequences of taking time away from my day because I am feeling so weak/ill I have to sleep in the afternoon (versus a 30 minute quiet time/meditation which I find supportive in the afternoon), being tired and lethargic throughout the day, becoming discouraged with myself during my day and giving up on myself, changing my interactions with people online and in my life/familywhere I am not as patient, kind, not treating another as I want to be treated.

BECOME THE LIVING WORD

jesus words calm

Eqafe Series –  The Crucifixtion of Jesus

What Lives In Your Words-The Crucifiction of Jesus-Part 64

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Day 344: Connecting with My Body

bodyWhat does it mean to stay with my body and breath? In the last few days I have been practicing breathing, while focusing on my body and the word ‘calm’ and adding the word ‘gentle’. Specifically, I focus on a central point in my body, with the in breath, as the solar plexes area and on the principle of ‘stilling my waters’/calming my waters.

jesus words calmThis audio interview from Eqafe What Lives In Your Words-The Crucifiction of Jesus-Part 64 explains how energy exists within the definitions we have given words and how we need to realign/re-define in awareness the words we use so we may become the living word/the living manifistation of the words we speak and think.

I find the most successful way for me to do this is one breath at a time, so just focusing-reminding myself to take it one breath at a time.

I noticed that, as I stayed with it, I had fewer night sweats (menopausal) and I was able to sleep until 7a.m. This is huge to me because for the last approximately 2.5 years I have suffered with waking up every 30 minutes with severe sweating-experienced like a fever where I am increasingly exhausted -mentally and physically from it. Does not make for a good sleep!  So needless to say, it was a huge relief to me to find an approach that assisted in getting a good night sleep.

The mind is interesting, my mind -after I have found an new approach that seems to work- tends to go into a panic point like something is ‘too good to be true’ and ‘oh no, what if I loose this new thing/person/experince I have found’ instead of just remaining stable , seeing what works and not having more thoughts about it.  Meaning, I can see I go into SELF-SABOTAGE, which is the mind insisting on it’s continued existence within a constant state of conflict so it can resource substance from my physical body versus exist within equality and onesness as/with it.

Why do I do this?  I can only say because it is how I was programmed as my inherited dna, how my parents and their parents experienced themselves as thoughts/emotions/reaction patterns and how I have accepted this as myself and added onto it, layer after layer with each thought/reaction, within my own mind throughout my life.  As well, I can see that I fall back back into consciousness in the small moments, by following self-doubt and self-judgments, where I review something I had just done/said or follow a picture coming up in my mind of a family member or something that is to occur in the future, then I ignore it/tell myself it is insignificant-inconsequential/tell myself ‘I’ll deal with that later’.

I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

To Continue

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Day 343: From Comparison and Competition to Reality, Stability and Equality – Part 3

suppressed emotions

Please read Day 341: Comparison and Competition part 1 and 2 for context to this blog post.  From part 2:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to place too much emotional pressure on my body, where I am not aware how with each unstable breath as thought/emotion/feeling, I am accumulating more and more suppressed emotional energy, until the body cannot handle anymore-there is no more room!-causing the body to get ill as it is forced to release this energy through sweats and severe nausea (flu like symptoms), with the consequence that I cannot continue with my daily responsibilities….So I will examine these reactions within the thought:  ‘They are better than me, I’m not good enough.’

This audio from Eqafe was a huge support, as it assisted me to see how I am holding onto energies, holding them in my body and how this is literally harming my physical.  Suppressed Emotions in Your Body part 2  

When and as I see myself participating in the design of comparison and competition, where I see myself/my art/my efforts as less than another’s I stop and breathe.  I remind myself to ground myself here in physical reality, to put my hands on my chest and breath my awareness/beingness out of my mind and back into my body.  I realize I have been putting my trust in energy which is flimsy/fleeting/comes and goes like ‘a thief in the night’, it steal and robs from me what is my right, as limitless/freedom to express in each moment, by insisting I am nothing more than a collection of memories INSTEAD OF placing my trust in the physical, which is solid, eternal,  unconditional in it’s standing, consistent.  I also realize this is separation, this is inequality, not just for myself but for all-the other I was comparing myself to- as I cannot enjoy /learn from another’s creation/efforts when I am lost in self-interest, my small, secret mind of the past, who I tell myself I am (through mind participation) ‘this is all you are and ever will be’.  Thus, I commit myself to catch myself  at the first thought and take it no further when I see any comparisons arise in my mind.

When and as I see myself falling into comparison/competition-in relation to songwriting and video presentations-where I connect the emotional reactions of jealousy, anger, regret, self-judgement, self-blame, all adding up to becoming overwhelmed and placing too much emotional pressure on my body, I stop and breathe.  I remind myself it is no longer acceptable to me to take these energies so far as to cause harm to myself, my body, my daily life and relationships. I realize it is a process to learn to move with the physical, out of the mind of energy, within awareness of each breath and of the physical world, so I gently remind myself to be patient with me. I can see I am stabilizing over the last few days, not nearly as sick but still alot of sweating (menopause) and still do not sleep well.  Thus, I commit myself to slowing down and take it one breath at a time-focusing on what is before me.

When and as I see myself falling into the pattern of comparison/competition in relation to ‘being better’ than another, within the polarities of good/bad, success/failure    I stop and breathe.  I remind myself to look for similarities not just differences and to see these differences as opportunities for self-growth/expansion/learning, I remind myself to get to know the other person that I admire/admire certain sills that they possess, to ask questions, to share and give to them as well–even if it is simply giving them the opportunity to teach/give to me. I realize I do not want to be better than another in reality, I do not want to separate myself from another within a hierarchy/grading systems based mostly on the money system/capitalism in this world, I just want to achieve what they have/have that skill that I admire in them.  I understand that it is the money system that I am angry at, that it is the money system stops one from attempting all one can, in many areas of life, because of lack of money/resources AND it is myself, as what I have accepted and allowed as the mind that I am angry at.  Thus, I commit myself to rebuilding my relationships, with my self and others, from the starting point of stability not energy, to building upon the solid, dependable foundation of the physical, not within comparison and competition but within what is best for all-which is the physical.
rushingWhen and as I see myself experiencing myself as overwhelmed and I go into rushing, where I fear it is too late/there is not enough time for me to learn a new skill/perfect a skill, I stop, I breathe. I firmly state  ‘NO, I will not continue in this rushing energy’ and I ask myself  ‘R U S self  H here?’ as in where the hell am I? In the past? Yes, so I bring my self/being/awareness back to the present/what is before me in reality and continue with the task at hand/carry on with my day. I realize the physical moves slow, not in a rushing, buzzing state, but steady, stable thus creating something that will last forever and cannot be lost/taken away.  I also realize the physical moves within equality and oneness, knowing all is made up of atoms & molecules that are exactly the same substance, hence they are equal because they are literally the same thing, just different/varying forms, shapes and colors etc. with different amounts of space in between, thus why compare something that is equal and one to itself?