Day 362: PANIC Attacks: Part 2

panic 6From PANIC Attacks: Part 1

I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!  The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.  I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING. Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!  Time to change!

Continuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweat the small stuff/make mountains out of mole hills, as in the daily task and responsibilities I have to perform, reviewing them in my head–getting ahead of myself–meaning, as I am doing one task, I am thinking about the next, never allowing myself to be present in the moment-in peace-and focus, thus building up energies as I go along, and tensing my body more and more as I am moving about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, as I am not here in the present moment within daily tasks/responsibilities, I am separating myself from my body causing behavioral changes like: nausea, pain in forehead-eyebrows, constricting throat, tightness in chest and solar plexus and swirling/queasy stomach–resulting in increased intense sweats (the menopause system), digestion problems and hemorrhoids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, laziness, postponement, and worry to daily responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in pictures that pop up in my mind, as I am performing daily tasks, and follow that picture down the rabbit hole into my imagination and/or memories, particularily of family members and recent tv shows/movies I have watched.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an emotional reaction of anxiety to the memory of recent panic attacks, specifically having dinner with my family trying to be ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, as long as I’m holding onto this emotional reaction of anxiety-to a panic attack that happened in a memory-this memory and emotional charge of anxiety will continue feeding this panic system within myself in the present.

I assist and support myself  -to in this moment- take a breath , let the anxiety go as I am speaking this self-forgiveness, set the memory free to be but a remembrance and not have any more control of my present day life experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a physical, emotional, reactive response to this memory of a panic attack.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand or even be aware of the emotional reactions on a physical level I have attached to this particular memory of a panic attack.
panic 5I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as long as this memory exists as a emotional physical reaction within myself, I am feeding the very thing that I am afraid of, which is panic.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to get to know my relationship to these memories on an emotional as well as physical level, where I am only now becoming aware of how much emotional energy I’ve attached to these particular memories of panic.

I assist and support myself to set myself and my body free from the emotions I have built up in relation to these panic attacks.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put myself and my body through these emotional reactions to memories.

I assist and support myself -and as well my body- to set me and my body free from these emotional possessions.

I commit myself to change from an energy being to a physical being, by slowing down and to move with breath, which is moving with and as the physical, within equality and oneness with and as life:  4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts.

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Day 361: PANIC Attacks: Part 1

full_panic-attacks-introduction-atlanteans-part-291I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!

The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.

I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING

Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!  Time to change!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too fast in my mind, and then to speak too fast, where I am connecting a reaction of worry and fear, in relation to reviewing/listing in my mind, all the responsibilities of the day and then thinking, ‘there is not enough time to get everything done!’.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the act of rushing in reality can cause one to be late-the very opposite of what I want to occur.  I realize I saw my mother in this kind of rushing/worrying state often and she was often late for things, so I learned this behaviour very young- as saw her in this state often-almost everyday of my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush around at family gatherings and parties, where I react with worry/stress at feeling responsible for everyone to be having a good time/enjoying themselves, make sure everyone is ‘ok’, believing I am responsible for making sure the older people are ok because if I don’t they will be ignored, believing I am responsible to serve everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within emotional energy to the extent where it has mentally and physically stressed myself and my body to the point of conditioning me and the body into a panicked state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent to which my participation in emotions had effected my mental and physical state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so disconnected from me and from my body that I have not seen, realized and understood how great an effect my emotional states can have on me and my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -not for a moment- stop, for a moment breathe and for a moment see and ask myself ‘ what am I doing to me? what am I doing to my body? is this the experience that I want to create for me? is this the experience that I want to create for my body?’

I commit myself to change from an energy being to a physical being, by slowing down and to move with breath, which is moving with and as the physical, within equality and oneness with and as life:  4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts.

no limits 3

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Day 360: Flirting: Taking Responsibility for the Past

flirtingThis is a cool video, I am not much of a flirt, never have been but this interview assisted me greatly to see/understand a past relationship, connected some dots: from Eqafe, Flirting – Relationship Success Support

When my first marriage was in trouble, a musician I had met gave me flirting signs. I  went into my mind of fantasy instead of communicating clearly with this man to determine/understand ‘where he was coming from’ with this flirting and simply asking ‘well, I’m married but in an unhappy marriage, what is your intention?’ From the above mentioned audio , I now understand he activated an energetic response in me, I had for years built up a fantasy of a man playing guitar sitting around a campfire, romanticized this idea like , ‘this is the man I would want to be with, a sensitive, passionate man’. I connected a musician to someone who is sensitive and I connected and imagined an energy of a ‘happy relationship’ and attached value to it.

I did not speak up, but made assumptions and built up an IDEA of:  who he was, that he felt the same as I , that he would not just use me but that he would love, respect me as I would him and if we were to be intimate that would mean he wanted to be with me forever.

Oh boy, now that I look at it in print–that is alot of assumption/belief/perception going on!!  Instead of taking it slow, I followed my mind of want/desire and jumped right in.  I followed/bLIEved a romantic idea of  ‘falling in love in a moment’ when he played piano, I  made an instant assessment based on a romantic fantasy/idea!  I was not relaxed, genuine, taking it slow and being myself–instead I acted solely on feelings-as in want/desire.  I saw him as an idea of saving me from my unhappy marriage,  I made him fit an idea in my mind instead of communicating, taking my time to really get to know this person for real and him me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an alternate reality of a ‘happy’ relationship, within an imagination of a musician, who will be my ‘knight in shining armor’ and take me away from all that is negative in my life-save me, instead of giving this to myself as creating a life for myself that is safe, fulfilling, enjoyable.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of excitement, happiness, romance to this idea of a man who is a musician ‘taking me away’ and loving me forever and that this would magically fulfill me/solve all my problems and make me happy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect music/musician/musical instruments-guitar and piano, specifically a picture & an imagination of a man playing a guitar around a campfire, to an idea of love/romance/sex/happiness.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to put my faith/trust in an idea of romance/being saved instead of what is here as reality, my life/myself, to practically look/assess my own abilities/skills to see how to improve my life financially, so I can enjoy/ contribute/create independently and inter-dependently and not dependently.


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Day 359: Fearing Your Own Fear: Part 4: Facing the Fear that I Have Suppressed

trust 2Please refer to the previous posts beginning at:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1  

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so. Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable. Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD STRENGTH & SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear,here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anxiety building up as the day goes on, where I have thoughts about rushing/or catch myself rushing, ‘oh shit, I was rushing, oh no it going to trigger anxiety‘.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fear, and as fear think , ‘I am too weak, I will loose myself -my life-in my own thoughts’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, when the first hint of anxiety/fear comes to my mind-in the late afternoon/evening- then look for the thoughts instead : of breathing through them, continuing my dedication to focus on what is before me in the physical, and bringing my awareness back to my stability point (which for me is my solar plexes).

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and beLIEve my own backchat/voices in the mind, telling me, ‘no I can’t do it, I am too weak, oh no it’s happening again, I am going into anxiety and it could become extreme again! , freaking myself out/feeding into the fear energy making it worse/more difficult to stabilize with breath and body awareness.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to actually LOOK for the fear/react in self-doubt when I am stable instead of just trusting myself to stay here with breath and move throughout my day.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear process, meaning the quantum mind & quantum physical merging that is occurring in human beings now, and think, ‘well, I just suppressed this before with alcohol so now it will kill me’. Note: I am taking something for anxiety through my doctor, for a short period of time.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want a magic pill/answer for my own fear/anxiety-which has been created over time through: the mind wanting to survive/create energy any way it can to fuel it’s existence, my dna/generational download, my own history within this lifetime as I did not learn how to deal with emotions -except to suppress – using alcohol , obsessive relationships & for a period depending on a god/higher force to save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have established a stable grounded stability point within myself -wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind & emotions that arise- and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself.  Therefore, I will not continue anticipating and fearing the return of anxiety & and believing all such thoughts as ‘I am too weak to get through this.’  Realizing of course, this is a process, and as such will take time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that any thoughts about weakness or /and fear of loosing myself are not in alignment with who I know I really am as a being, which is self-value and self-appreciation, self-trust and someone who is building strength  – and that by me reacting within fear to these thoughts coming up about loosing myself or being too weak, is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life

When and as I see myself going into anxiety and fear I stop, I remind myself I am physical and ground myself by bring myself/awareness out of my mind and back down to reality. I now see/realize/understand that the mind of energy – emotions/thoughts-can and is producing a fear that is very unstable/all over the place & starts a vicious cycle of self-harm within me. I understand as I bring myself back to physical reality I calm/stabilize and so it is vital I remain out of mind throughout the day.

I commit myself to remain with the physical as the solution.

I commit myself to take a stand towards and in relation to my own thoughts where I state ‘No,this is unacceptable and a waste of my time, I do not harm me!’

Thus, I commit myself to stop all such self-doubt and continue focusing on building strength and self-trust through (besides the stated DIP tools of breath, self-forgiveness, commitment statements):

stopping what I am doing at the first sign of anxiety & support myself by doing a online guided meditation, stabilizing with breath and body, then continue my day in a slowed down state of movement/aware of body and moving with the physical vs. moving with energy. For me, at this time, this includes gentle in-breaths and taking longer with/on the out breath.

participating in physical activity/exercise in the evening and/or late afternoon instead of beginning a pattern of worry about going into anxiety-fearing my own fear, where I can be outside enjoying healthy fresh air, moving my physical body and continue to focus on breath awareness, where there is stability.

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Day 358: Fearing My Thoughts Moving Too Fast: Part 3: Playing Savior

WORRYPlease refer to the previous posts:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1  and Part 2 for proper context to this blog. 

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so.  Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable.  Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I am afraid if I am spending time with my siblings/or another person, who has very fast energy about them-like an excitement energy in how they speak, how quickly they speak, how they move-theirenergy will transfer into me/change me and I will then speed up in my thoughts and movements and go into rushing again and loose control/become possessed by fear of my own mind again.’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and blame of another, abdicating my power and responsibility to direct my own mind, where I know it is up to me in each moment to remain here with breath, and not allow myself to fall into rushing/allowing thoughts to come one after another in an experience of rushing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to play savior, in relation to a family member, trying to show this person what I have learned over a 3 year period, in a few hours.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I MUST GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND/they must forgive the past (in relation to emotional/physical abuse from our childhood) so they do not get sick again’ when I have not cleared myself FIRST -by first standing as this person,meaning facing my own fear of illness/sickness/disease BEFORE I support/assist another .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can ‘save’ this person by telling them what to do and that I must do this quickly, thus allowing fear to direct me INTO AN EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING, where I react with anxiety and create a vicious cycle, as my thoughts speed up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘telling someone’ is enough, and to participate in the polarities of right/wrong where I react with fear in thinking I am ‘right’ and this person must see where they are going ‘wrong’– when there is no right and wrong in reality, these are but ideas of the mind, this person is walking their own process, I cannot force anyone to change, they will see things/change at their own pace, when they are ready.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I was allowing my thoughts to move too fast and then thinking it was important I speak each thought/share with them all this insight, which had the consequence of overwhelming both of us with too much information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have caused a massive headache, landing me on my back for 2-3 hours in order to stabilize with breath, as the result of trying to somehow force someone to change by bombarding them with information/playing savior for about 2 hours, thus harming myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breast cancer.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a possession of fear – as I am suppose to massage the area that formed a hematoma (from a previous biopsy: localized collection of blood outside the blood vessels) to support this area to heal – where I have begun to over-examine my breasts imagining every little thing is a lump/disease, when I know I have some fibrocystic breast tissue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear to the thought of future thermography tests and that by me reacting within fear is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear of breast disease, I stop, I breathe. I remind myself I am in the process of establishing a stable grounded stability point within myself, wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not allow myself to continue feeding into this fear/obsesssing my breasts. I realize the body, in itself is stable, it is as I allow the mind to create energy- particularly emotions of fear, doubt, anxiety- which eats away at the body, slowly creating dis-ease. A stable mind is a stable body.

Thus, I commit myself to stop all the daily examining of the entire breast but to continue massaging the area that requires the support only, and that I will follow up with annual thermography breast exams (also the suggested once/mo self breast exam) & I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by consuming a healthy diet, moderate exercise and remaining here with breath, as I walk throughout my day,

Day 357: Fearing My Thoughts Moving Too Fast: Part 2: Self-Harm

forcePlease read the previous post:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

Note: If you are someone who is taking medication, continue to listen to your doctor and remain on your medication.

continuing:

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so.  Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable.  Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

Self-forgiveness in relation to thoughts speeding up/moving too fast and the word suicide

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed the word suicide to pop up in my mind, when I see my thoughts moving too fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘This is too much, I am not strong enough, I am small and weak.  I will not make it, looking at the truth of me is going to kill me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with embarrassment that I am exposing my weakness, and in that compare myself to others in process (Desteni I Process), who I am assume/perceive/believe to be moving ahead, building strength whereas I am falling backward/I am behind/I am weak/I am small.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will get sympathy for my troubles, like what I am experiencing in process is more difficult than what others are experiencing, and thus get special treatment/be ‘carried along’/ be ‘put up with’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts telling me to kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have established a stable grounded stability point within myself wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that any thoughts about killing myself are not in alignment with who I know I really am as a being which is self-value and self-appreciation – and that by me reacting within fear to these thoughts coming up about killing myself, is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life

Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself going into self doubt that I cannot stop my thoughts looping or coming too fast, I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself to bring my awareness back to the physical and ground myself here.  I realize by doing this I am creating strength and self-trust by slowing down and looking at things  in common sense. I understand that obsessing about my own mind/fearing my own fear is self-sabotage and I will never harm myself in reality. I realize that going into emotions of fear and telling myself/doubting I am strong enough to walk this process only wastes time in my day/is a useless distraction & causes physical changes as stress/anxiety in the body.  Thus, I commit myself to building self-trust and strength by remaining with breath as I walk through my day..

When and as I see myself fearing I will die/fearing the word suicide in my mind, considering even for a moment it is a solution, I stop and breathe. I realize I have faced many challenges in my life and have always walked through them, fearing this word is useless and a waste of time, as I value me/my life/all life. I understand I have my awareness of  who I  really am  and will not ever commit suicide and that any inclination towards ‘suicide’ is simply unacceptable. I state the living words, ‘This is unacceptable, I am a being who values life’ and in this statement  I build my strength.  Thus, I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by remaining here with breath as I walk throughout my day.

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Day 356: Fearing My Thoughts Speeding Up/Moving Too Fast

worry 2I have been experiencing ‘crisis after crisis’ in relation to process, more specifically in relation to how my own mind is responding to process, over the last several weeks. I had been slowing down in order to stabilize some physical points (night sweats-thus lack of sleep-and digestion problems) that I could see are more severe when I am participating in emotional/feeling reactions throughout any given day.

I now see that I don’t need to stop my process- of investigating points through writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application- like, ‘first I will physically stabilize and then I will continue my JTL (Journey to Life) blogging’ or ‘I need to have all this stuff in my mind completely calmed down and organized before I start writing about it’.

Not sure where best to /how to start so I will simply start writing and -as I have seen over the last few years of blogging- things will begin to smooth out/flow/become more clear as I move along. Here and in future posts, I will be taking each point and deconstructing it in more detail, with the support of my DIP buddy (see: Desteni I Process Pro Course).

I seem to have been experiencing alot of tough lessons lately. That is ok, I am facing me, what I have created throughout my life, as what I have accepted and allowed.

I have allowed the mind to speed up in the last 3-4 weeks-too many thoughts, moving too fast-and then participate in them by relating/beLIEving them/taking them literally instead of calming myself down with breath and body awareness the moment I see this has started. Then I related this experience to a past experience of when this same thing happened 20 years ago. I reacted to this memory with massive fear and fell into thinking patterns that looped in a vicious cycle, basically thoughts like, ‘I can’t stop the thoughts, they are coming faster and I cannot stop! I will go insane and die, or-even if I get through this- I will create disease in myself and die!’

NOTE: it was the word ‘suicide’ popping up in my mind that I was reacting to-like it was a solution/alternative-just like 20 years ago-I was not /am not in any way considering this as an option/solution to thoughts moving to fast lol- no way- I am here and in the process of becoming life, in a process of birthing myself as life in the physical. I will not allow one thought/the mind to trick me into beLIEving ending my life is a solution! The point here is to- not ignore or suppress but- face the thought and reaction of fear-in order to eliminate it from ones life. One would still have a memory of what occurred/the past but no longer experience the emotional connection of fear -that was attached to that memory/or word, simply see it , ‘yes, that it what happened and that is how Ireacted‘ and move on with whatever you were doing in your day/your reality. Thus, a process (overtime) to remove the harmful reactions: fear/anxiety/stress/self-blame/self-judgements, so one may learn to truly live, freely expressing in each moment, no longer allowing one word/memory/or any thinking patterns to control you.

TO CONTINUE

 

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Day 355: Credence of the Alcoholic: avoid…avoid…avoid

barbar 2

For proper context to this post please read the previous post:  Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

Please note, this self-forgiveness is written in present tense.

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my alcoholism on being in debt to my parents and others. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my mom, being one of the creditors, for my addiction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the addiction character and as the addiction character experience myself as superior, where I react with self-pity, spite, righteousness, and judgement like, ‘they didn’t become addicts because they had no stress about money!’ I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then swing into a polarized reaction of inferiority, where I react with guilt for having judged another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my ex-husband for the financial position I find myself in. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the depression character, as a distraction so I don’t have to face the truth of me as someone who is not facing their finances in a responsible manner, as a single parent. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then fall into the emotional reactions of self-pity/blame/and judgement, victimizing myself even further within these reactions.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck/immobile within inferiority, using alcohol as self-medication which creates a cycle of depression, so that I do not have to look/introspect what is behind it, as my responsibility to figure out the best way forward, to create financial stability for my family. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of tiredness-or a self created reality as being hungover-and so always have an excuse to ‘sleep the days away’ so to avoid facing the facts of my life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea exist within and as me, that I am someone who ‘does not share easily with another’ and react with self-judgement and guilt in regards to not sharing my personal struggles with my mom.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my parents for causing the breakdown/mental illness and alcoholism in the first place, and so assume they would not understand – so that is why I did not share. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experience character and within this hold an idea within me that I can write her a letter (meaning, this idea gave me a ‘good’ feeling/experience), like it is the magic answer/will be easier than talking to her in person/face her.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself participating in self-definitions using ‘I’ statements (see the previous blog), swinging from the positively charged ego experience of superiority toward my mom/women in my family, within reactions of blame, judgement and self-righteousness, or within seeing myself as ‘saviour’ who can ‘be the better/bigger person’ someone who can enlighten others, to the polarity negative experience of inferiority, within reactions of guilt and self-judgement for owing money, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is physically here, what is real in my life in this moment. I realize I acted in self-interest, by desiring specialness and my own ideas about debt, that were positively charged. Thus, I avoided the truth of me, that I felt inferior. I also see that I avoided speaking to my mom about the debt in reality, and instead projected onto her my own ideas and perceptions about money/loans, positively charged, colored by how my mind wants to energetically experience itself.  As such, I victimized myself by putting my faith in an idea that she would forgive the debt. Thus I commit myself to no longer victimize myself /another by sticking to reality, in relation to speaking with family members/people about issues of money/other situations, not allowing myself to conjure up ideas in my mind and project them onto others.

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Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

alcoholic

alcoholic 3You can hide alcoholism for quite a while, several years actually.  I did just that, until….well I didn’t, I allowed it to take me over/possess/ consume me just as I was consuming it.  This ‘coming out’ of the alcoholic is both humiliating and at the same time almost a bother, like, ‘they act like this is something new, duh I’m a drunk, just leave me alone, let me drink for god’s sake’, very self-absorbed/self-indulgent.

Here I share a time when I wrote my mother a letter explaining  why I borrowed money and did not pay her back. My mom was understandably worried and frustrated with me, and there was a time -when she was trying to settle her accounts- when her and I differed on what we thought was the amount owing. So I wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me (life experiences) and why I did not pay her back in entirety and what I calculated -showed calculations/dates/etc-to be the balance owing.

As I wrote the letter and whenever a memory of the letter comes up within me, there are several ‘I’ statements -self-definitions– accompanying it.  Hmm, part of the vicious cycle? Definitely!  No more suppressing, here I bring these self-definitions to the forefront, to expose the thinking and eliminate it from my life/being/living!

Note: sober 11 years now.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone- that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I am exposed, thinking, ‘ I fucked up so bad in my life, my life didn’t turn out at all, I was terrible, such a lazy drunk, how could I have done that, I only need a job/steady income, I look like such a failure to my mom, my mom hates when people are irresponsible, she used to see me as responsible, now I’m just a loser, it’s so embarrassing to be seen in this glaring light…’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self-definition of ‘I fucked up so bad’, in which I connect emotional experiences of regret, self-judgement, guilt, self-blame and shame.

Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘a fuck up’ and define myself as ‘a fuck-up’, which activates the emotional experience of inferiority, this inferiority acts as a platform identity/starting point/foundation from which other self-depreciating points/personalities can emerge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as being ashamed, assuming my mother judges me for being a ‘fuck up’ for having built up so much debt and in that shame going into self-judgement and wanting to curl up, as in a ball of shame, and hide from the world.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the statement ‘my life didn’t turn out at all’ in which I connect the emotional experiences of self-pity, regret, self-judgement and disappointment.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself/live as ‘disappointed’ based on/through the eyes of my parents, as goals and ideals that I did not achieve, specifically these goals & ideals being:  a happy marriage with a home, cottage, cars, vacations, children, a secure family life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and live as the self-definition of ‘I was terrible’, where I engage in/connect emotional experiences of guilt, self-judgement and self-blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I was such a lazy drunk’ where I connect emotional experiences of shame, self-judgement, disgust and regret.

Within the regret, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a self-definition of ‘I hurt my children’ within and as me, and then judging myself for that thus creating another self-definition of ‘I am a bad mother’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself into being ashamed to the extreme of wanting to go and hide in a ball of shame inside of myself and that is exactly what I did becoming an alcoholic, I used sleep (being hung over) as an escape from the reality of my life, perpetuating the addiction cycle of being stuck/not moving forward as I was always feeling physically and mentally weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of shame, disappointment, self-judgement, self-pity, and depression to the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my parents are judging me for not being the person they thought I was, as in ‘the one they never have to worry about’ and having an expectation of myself to ‘live up to’/perform this role for my parents so they have less stress and stay healthy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, as an adult, desire more attention from my parents and think, ‘there, now they’ll see I have problems too, I need your attention too’, in that comparing myself to my siblings and competing for my parents time and attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want my parents to take care of me, as in pay my way/move in with them/help with down payment/ (when I found myself a single parent) but really desiring also time and attention, like I was still a child, rather than taking self-responsibility as an adult!!

Also within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disappointed in myself, that my parents now have to worry about me too, along with their other children/other stresses in life, thus creating another self-definition of , ‘I am a bad daughter’.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser’ and have it exist within and as me.  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of self-pity, self-judgement, self-blame, helplessness, hopelessness, self-victimization and regret to the self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser ‘.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to stagnate/stand still and feel sorry for myself because my marriage did not work out, using alcohol to medicate myself in a cycle of helplessness until I felt like a ‘loser’ instead of simply looking and accepting, ‘ok it did not work out, what can I do now’ in common sense.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the path my mind led me on -from the point of the break up of my marriage to: songwriter, musician I obsessed, using alcohol and spirituality until I became mentally unstable, fulfilling the point of believing I was a loser when my marriage ended, proving it to myself over years of drinking until it was ‘true’/manifested in the physical as problems I created being financially unstable and having to borrow to survive.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I then suppressed the fear by going into a depressed state. Thus, within this depression, I am able to avoid examining these thoughts/self-definitions and facing my own truth of who I am as inferiority, so I do not change myself, do not step up to face my responsibilities but stay stagnant, thus there is no personal growth nor life change by working through problems/creating solutions.

Also, within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that behind the fear is the belief that I am inferior, so the fear and depression masking/veiling what I do not want to face, which is the self-belief that I am inferior to others who have financial stability/created financial stability in their lives because I did not face my responsibilities as an adult, instead I hid using alcohol & the idea I was ‘special’ within spirituality (like, I was here for a special reason, to write ‘enlightening’ music lol) to suppress the facts of my life.

To continue

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