DAY 369: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 5 – JEALOUSY 2

jealous wife 3Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto A that it is impressive to be an intellectual, where I am connecting the emotional reactions of blame, judgement and hate.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created personality, as a Destonian, that has at it’s foundation a belief/interpretation that it is wrong/elitist to be intellectual, giving it a negative charge, where I see myself/experience myself as right and superior because I know what is valuable/important, as in what is best for all, and people who are intellectual do not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/experience myself as superior to A, while in the same moment, accusing him of believing he is superior, coming from the starting point of my own ego, where I desire to see myself as ‘better’ than him and where I am blaming him because of the polarized truth of me, that I am feeling insecure in the moment while he speaks of another woman whom he admires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into an experience of superiority, where I am comparing A to myself, seeing myself as someone who is compassionate and kind and seeing him as stupid because he doesn’t understand what is important inlife.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am coming from the polarized starting point of insecurity not strength, where I project onto A my suspicious nature, that people-specifically men who I am in a relationship with- are not trustworthy.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that here I am not standing as an example of life as A can easily see my own inferiority and fear coming out as insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself/my body/my being into a false sense of power/superiority and where I relax my body for a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become self-sabotage, where I am projecting onto A my own secret mind/internal experience of superiority – suppressing the truth of me which is insecurity- where I am connecting the emotional reactions ofanger, blame, jealousy and comparison.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in a quantum moment I have pictures popping up in my mind of a wedding, my own apartment, this woman and A golfing and laughing/enjoying each others company, essentially shooting myself in the foot, doing/behaving the opposite of what I want, in separation of A and this woman within inequality, the opposite of being here as life, and simply enjoying dinnertime hearing A share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become the bullying character, where I react with guilt for having judge A. and where I swing from superiority to an experience of inferiority, attaching the emotional responses of insecurity and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is a learned response from childhood, as I have pictures of my mom arise in my mind, where I saw her pull back when my dad got really angry and she became submissive and quiet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bully myself by participating in justifications, trying to convince myself that going into insecurity will make my life and future secure, thus if I become silent/act submissive I will allow A to keep his intellectualism and male pride and not be a nagging wife, who is demanding he change.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am connecting the reactions/emotions of fear and powerlessness, helplessness, inferiority, suppression, protection and defence to the bullying character, believing/perceiving that submissiveness equal safety and security.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that- in that moment- I am limiting my true expression as life-where I could simply be self-honest in each moment with another and with myself-instead of planning and scheming within my own secret mind, how to supposedly protect myself within a submissiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created within me a self-belief & a self-definition that I must be a ‘nice & pleasant wife’ in order to have security in my marriage/partnership with A.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating within emotional reactions of suppression, suspicion, self-doubt, self-judgement, self-blame, powerlessness, helplessness, and protection and defensiveness within playing a role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am only willing to play the role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’ from the starting point of self-interest, within the self-created belief that ‘nice, pleasant wife’ does not get abandoned and left penniless, like I was last time I was married.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am comparing my first marriage with my marriage to A.

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DAY 368: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 4 – Jealousy

jealous wife 2jealous wifeHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and another in my mind, where I experience myself as inferiorconnecting the reactions of anger, hate, jealousy, insecurity, blame, and judgement in relation to A.’s remarks about another woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself by comparing myself to another woman within competing against her in my mind, like it is a contest and the winner will get A’s love/respect.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this woman in inequality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating in the mind consciousness system’s polarity programming of right and wrong, winner and loser, love and hate, up and down and following these energycycles/patterns as I limit myself and another in my mind & where I compromise my mind, body and being within these limitations, making myself and another characters in a story instead of life here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a state of delusion/experience where I participate in and believe all sorts of nasty backchat in my mind, instead of simply listening/hearing A sharing about another beings qualities/talents/skills and enjoyhis company during dinner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am manipulating myself and my body as I participate in these reactions, allowing the muscles to stiffen/tense thus become achy, my face to scrunch up and my breathing to become shallow.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have become the manifestation of judgement and as judgement connect the emotional reactions of blame, suspicion, anger where I am holding onto perceptions and opinions of people/situations, specifically in this situation projecting my own snobbishness onto A.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am experiencing myself as superior in that moment, suppressing the truth of me that at the core I hold onto a polarized self-belief that I am in fact inferior, in comparison to this woman (& others who I perceive to be ‘well read’ or having a better education/grasp on world &/or local issues or others who I consider ‘well spoken’), because she earns a high income and is athletic/a very good golfer so she can spend time with A in a way that he enjoys and this threatens me.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of: ‘I am not good at public speaking, I am not competent to understand, learn and relate important issues, I am average at best so better for others to do it.’  As well, ‘I am not well read, I do not understand politics or economics or mathematics’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by allowing this comparison I am victimizing myself by participating in my imagination of A getting to know her on the golf course, putting myself in some future moment where he is thinking she is awesome and I am not awesome but average, thereby me not being comfortable in my own skin and just being me, genuine in the moment with A at dinner but instead allowing myself to become defensive, taking it personally as A spoke of this woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of:  ‘I am not awesome, I am average thus any partner I have will get bored of me eventually and abandon me’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am putting/placing a huge amount of stress/pressure on my body & being by separating myself from myself in that moment, not standing as life, realizing that it islife itself-which I am in the process of becoming-that is awesome just being here.

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Day 367: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 3 -Ego & Appearance

fuzzy hairHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ego, and as ego react to my appearance within self-judgement, nervousness, fear, and self-victimization.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am giving my hair and appearance a negative charge stirring up energies of a helplessness, which harms my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become inferiority, where I connect the reactions of self-judgement and ego because my hair is frizzy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief within and as me, that I need to ‘look pretty’ for the man in my life because it gives me value.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is life itself, and myself as life, that has value and life requires nothing for this to be true.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my appearance to that of other women, where I am participating in the mind‘s design of competition.
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and insecurity based on my perception of how A will react to seeing/meeting other women at work each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump to the worst possible scenario/think the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fall into inferiority, where I am victimizing myself by projecting onto A my own reactions of fear, insecurity, helplessness to not looking a certain way when he comes home.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is a specific/certain way to look to be pretty/sexy/desirable instead of simply being clean, neat, and comfortable with /as myself here.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to cause physical changes resulting in pains and stomach issues and lines on my face/forehead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the design of inferiority, where I connect the emotional reactions of fear, nervousness, and insecurity in relation to A coming home and me not wearing any make-up.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created an idea in my mind and thought patterns where I am giving wearing make-up a positive charge and connecting the words pretty, beautiful, & giving me not wearing make-up a negative charge, while connecting the words old, ugly, plain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my beliefs about beauty/female appearance onto A, where I go into superiority, jumping from the polarity of feeling inferior so to avoid looking deeper at the truth of me, and where I connect thereactions of blame and anger.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by jumping within extreme thinking /polarities of inferior to superior by following visions/imaginings of leaving A and getting my own apartment, thus running away /hiding from the opposite sex, as a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and my body into a relaxed state at the thought of running away/isolating myself instead of facing myself and sharing myself with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then swing into the bullying character, where I react with guilt after I have judged another, instead of simply slowing down and looking at reality, that A does his best to be supportive and loving in all aspects of our partnership.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into self-judgement and self-blame around this issue of make-up and A.

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DAY 366: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: part 2 – Insecurity

marriage fightsHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/believe/perceive that A is judging me, jumping to the worst conclusion, by picking up the plant to check if it needs watering.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of inferiority, where I am victimizing myself by falling into my mind of past programming, where I think A thinks I am stupid and not doing the job properly. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I can do a job properly and if I have not done it to perfection I can simply rectify the situation in the physical, without having thoughts about another person or judging myself about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with insecurity, where I think I can somehow protect myself by following my suspicions, inside of my own mind, instead of dealing with reality, what is here before me.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then jump to the polarity of reacting with anger, blame and superiority, where I am justifying in my own mind my reaction by focusing on A, instead of considering the plant and what needs to be done.
In that I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the truth of me, that I do feel inadequate/inferior and have self-doubt when A checks the plants.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my reactions have an effect-a consequence-on my physical body & I am in fact manipulating myself into a reaction of nervousness and tension causing a stiffening and aching of the muscles in my upper back/neck/face and clenching in my solar plexes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up emotion by re-playing the memory inside my mind, where I am reacting with anger and blame toward A in relation to him checking the plant. In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by going into superiority, taking his action personally and thinking he is wrong and thus I am right to judge him for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ego/superiority, where I react with anger and blame toward A, instead of looking at and discussing the point of taking care of the plants, within physical practicality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto A my own self-doubt that I am taking care of the plant properly, where I react within a false sense of superiority, defensiveness and hatred toward A, based on my own suppressed self-belief that I am stupid and I cannot perform/complete tasks/responsibilities within a perfection.
With this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is my own self-doubt that causes me to rush within/throughout my day and thus not perform tasks to their utmost completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become superiority, where I react with judgement and hatred toward A, projecting onto him my own feelings of being ‘better than’ instead of simply looking at the point and seeing that the plant needed to watered twice that day because of the weather being extremely hot and dry.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I am manipulating myself by going into physical changes of tension and stress which lead to/cause anxiety, sweating, difficulty falling asleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a superiority, where I victimize myself by blaming A & becoming angry at A for my own reactions in relation to watering the plant, where I go into extreme thinking instead of trusting my body andbreath in the moment by allowing myself to calm down and not exaggerate the situation.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is not about needing another but that I enjoy sharing my life with A and when I simply slow down, do not rush my thoughts/thought patterns, I can stop myselffrom thinking and speaking words that can harm another/myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination, where I am indirectly blaming A and victimizing myself by simulating pictures, where I live alone in an apartment, suppressing the truth of me that I fear this could happen, meaningthat A would leave me because I am incompetent and stupid.

To continue

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Day 365: Blaming my Partner for my own Reactions – Money Issues

angry wifeHere I am sharing self-forgiveness that I have started in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) around the relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to A’s reaction of frustration, in relation to using the credit card, where I fall into beliefs, perceptions and assumptions that he is criticizing me in someway and I need to defend myself, like I need to convince myself I am innocent of whatever it is he is accusing me of.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project this idea onto A, that I am the cause of his voice sounding stressed/frustrated/angy, and so I am guilty of doing something ‘bad’ ‘wrong’.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind‘s polarity/idea of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ instead of looking at A’s reaction in reality/common sense in the moment, like ‘ok A is reacting, I remind myself to not take this on and how can I be supportive in this moment /clarify the situation.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself react with anger, defensiveness and blame in relation to A’s reaction around pre-paying the credit card before I use it, where I am suppressing my own guilt that I have to use his card because I have bad credit & I am then projecting it onto A.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself react with anger and superiority like, ‘how dare he suggest I am ungrateful’ because I am asked to pre-pay the card but I use it easily when I don’t have to pre-pay it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see /realize/understand how I am manipulating myself into a physical reaction of stress/anxiety where my body stiffens and that I am suppressing the truth of me, that I feel guilty/bad that I do not have my own credit card.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt, self-judgement, self-blame, fear, & insecurity, where I swing to the polarized reaction of inferiority when I looked at point later and saw that I brought this situation on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea exist within and as me that A will be pleased if I take care of paying myself, without using the credit card, projecting this idea onto A.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, self-doubt, frustration, nervousness, and tension to A saying we could have received alot of airmiles if I had used the card.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into automation/quantum reactions of energy, where I believe the thought/reaction-which is based on the past– to be real, instead of remaining stable here and remembering my body and breath.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a physical reaction of tensing my shoulder muscles & my jaw, and holding my breath when I feel threatened or something surprises me/pops out of nowhere.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up the emotions of anger and blame when A came home, as I was communicating to him my confusion about the text he sent me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame toward A. that I paid cash for my purchase instead of receiving airmiles points by using the card because he did not explain his reasoning to me clearly.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame as an excuse for my own reactions of anger and then guilt, when I realize it is my responsibility, in each moment, to direct my inner and outer world.

To continue

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Day 364: PANIC Attacks: part 4

anxietyPlease see:  PANIC Attacks: Part 1

Continuing with Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as the nervousness and anxiety come up, remind myself that the emotions were coming from past mistakes that I had made and I can breathe and let the emotions go and then decide to apply and practice the living word trust.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as the nervousness and anxiety come up remind myself I have redefined the word trust/self-trust –as the living word trust as–I know that I was struggling/having difficulty with anxiety and that I am self-honest in the fact that I know I need to slow down/not rush/breathe/relax my body, I have really looked into /at this point, I CAN GET THINGS DONE ONE BREATH AT A TIME WITHOUT SPEEDING UP–what I do not get to will be there tomorrow– therefore there is no need to go into these thoughts or reactions because I trust this moment within me that I am self-honest in slowing down/moving with and as the physical.

I commit myself to living –becoming the living manifestation of the word calm –comfort, silence resulting in serenity

From A Truth Seekers Journey to Life

When and as I see myself in a calm and comfortable embodiment and something disturbs me or disrupts me I stop and breathe and I do not go into a state of panic or victimization but continue to breathe in and out dispersing and dissipating any energy that was created not behaving and acting from the energy or letting it direct me.

When and as I see myself go into the panic system or any other system where I feel energy and emotions I stop and breathe and I  apply self forgiveness and I do not continue in any behavior of acting it out but continue to breathe until the system releases.

I commit myself to direct life from my being and not energy from past memories stored within my  quantum physical and wait until energy dissipates before speaking or acting.

I commit myself to equalize all memories where I felt disrupted by someone where I would ‘jump out of my skin’ and to not be afraid to be disrupted again where I would act out in fear and terror.

I commit myself to feeling safe and comfortable in my own skin and not waiting for something to disrupt me.

I commit myself to be a whole being and free from the systems of panic and fear where I separate myself from myself into energy and mind projections.

I commit myself to be one and equal with the physical free of fear and being separate from the physical but becoming physical in totality without the energy of consciousness.

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Day 363: PANIC Attacks: Relationship to Memories: Part 3

ANXFrom PANIC Attacks: Part 1

I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!  The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.  I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING. Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!

Time to change!
Continuing

So, I had some good days but a few nights ago anxiety came back with a vengence–as a increasing of tightening in my solar plexes–built up to the point I had to take medication before bed.  I was really disappointed in myself, I felt like a failure and worried about my health.  The thing is I was surprised at the intensity of the anxiety –right in the center of my chest (solar plexus) –so it must have built up in small moment (where I had reacted to thoughts/memories/imaginations and then emotion) and missed it, throughout the day!

As I was listening to these 2 interviews/audios from Eqafe, which I highly suggest:  Panic Attacks:  Real Time Change  AND  Anu’s Process of Creation.  I was cleaning around the house with a duster, as I often do household chores each morning, I noticed how tense my whole body was becoming; my face/jaw clenching and my eyes scrunching, forehead scrunching, my upper arms, stomach and solar plexes (chest area)! Even as I am typing this I notice my jaw moving slightly to the left and the clenching of my teeth/jaw happening.

An overall feeling I must hurry up/rush because there is still so much to do, I became increasingly full of self-doubt & fear about the task I was performing –being cleaning up animal hair/dust/fluff/cobwebs (put mr. spider outside).

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat, like:  ‘should I be spending time doing this now, I wasn’t planning on doing this now so I should hurry up and get on with what I planned to do today, it just gets dirty again, P. (my partner) expects me to do this, P. does so much this is my job, I must keep up the house or he will criticize/judge me harshly, he thinks he does everything, I don’t do as much as P., I better keep up or I will be in trouble!’  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so disappointed in myself, I am a failure, I am too far gone, I am too old to make process. ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotions of fear, worry, regret, sadness, self-pity, and give this experience–of tensing up and participating in backchat while I was cleaning– a negative charge.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by holding onto memories of my dad being mad at my mom if he felt she had not done something right in the home, then projecting these memories onto my relationship and attaching a reaction of fear to it–just like I feared my father -his angry tone towards my mother in these situations, I now fear my husband will do the same to me.

anxI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to review recent phone conversations, where I go into self-doubt and self-judgement thinking /questioning myself, ‘Did I say something wrong? I cut her off when she was sharing something vulnerable! Does she think I am rude because I cut her off? Did I share too much/inappropriately?’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and fall into thought patterns, with pictures in my mind of the people I have spoken to recently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination of what I should have said, bringing up/connecting more pictures: of the location they are at-or are speaking about, of my other siblings and think ‘I hope he doesn’t call me back,  we spoke long enough, I have other stuff to do, I am too busy to talk more’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have connected an emotion of worry/stress with all of this &  then fall into automated behavioral changes-as how I have programmed myself over time of:    constricting throat/neck, shortness of breath and very tight stomach muscles.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not here/present with me/my life/life itself but instead lost in my mind of the past-the recent memories/reviewing the conversation and going into the future of the trip I am planning with my siblings/past trips and future seeing my mother-in-law at my daughter’s house. Thus, I am forgetting to focus on what is before me in reality, as here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have connected a reaction of worry, nervousness, stress to realizing I have been lost in thought patterns about entertainment, family and household responsibilities, which  builds up anxiety throughout the day.

hug

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Day 362: PANIC Attacks: Part 2

panic 6From PANIC Attacks: Part 1

I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!  The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.  I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING. Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!  Time to change!

Continuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweat the small stuff/make mountains out of mole hills, as in the daily task and responsibilities I have to perform, reviewing them in my head–getting ahead of myself–meaning, as I am doing one task, I am thinking about the next, never allowing myself to be present in the moment-in peace-and focus, thus building up energies as I go along, and tensing my body more and more as I am moving about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, as I am not here in the present moment within daily tasks/responsibilities, I am separating myself from my body causing behavioral changes like: nausea, pain in forehead-eyebrows, constricting throat, tightness in chest and solar plexus and swirling/queasy stomach–resulting in increased intense sweats (the menopause system), digestion problems and hemorrhoids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, laziness, postponement, and worry to daily responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in pictures that pop up in my mind, as I am performing daily tasks, and follow that picture down the rabbit hole into my imagination and/or memories, particularily of family members and recent tv shows/movies I have watched.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an emotional reaction of anxiety to the memory of recent panic attacks, specifically having dinner with my family trying to be ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, as long as I’m holding onto this emotional reaction of anxiety-to a panic attack that happened in a memory-this memory and emotional charge of anxiety will continue feeding this panic system within myself in the present.

I assist and support myself  -to in this moment- take a breath , let the anxiety go as I am speaking this self-forgiveness, set the memory free to be but a remembrance and not have any more control of my present day life experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a physical, emotional, reactive response to this memory of a panic attack.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand or even be aware of the emotional reactions on a physical level I have attached to this particular memory of a panic attack.
panic 5I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as long as this memory exists as a emotional physical reaction within myself, I am feeding the very thing that I am afraid of, which is panic.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to get to know my relationship to these memories on an emotional as well as physical level, where I am only now becoming aware of how much emotional energy I’ve attached to these particular memories of panic.

I assist and support myself to set myself and my body free from the emotions I have built up in relation to these panic attacks.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put myself and my body through these emotional reactions to memories.

I assist and support myself -and as well my body- to set me and my body free from these emotional possessions.

I commit myself to change from an energy being to a physical being, by slowing down and to move with breath, which is moving with and as the physical, within equality and oneness with and as life:  4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts.

no limits 3Eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection

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Day 361: PANIC Attacks: Part 1

full_panic-attacks-introduction-atlanteans-part-291I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!

The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.

I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING

Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!  Time to change!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too fast in my mind, and then to speak too fast, where I am connecting a reaction of worry and fear, in relation to reviewing/listing in my mind, all the responsibilities of the day and then thinking, ‘there is not enough time to get everything done!’.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the act of rushing in reality can cause one to be late-the very opposite of what I want to occur.  I realize I saw my mother in this kind of rushing/worrying state often and she was often late for things, so I learned this behaviour very young- as saw her in this state often-almost everyday of my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush around at family gatherings and parties, where I react with worry/stress at feeling responsible for everyone to be having a good time/enjoying themselves, make sure everyone is ‘ok’, believing I am responsible for making sure the older people are ok because if I don’t they will be ignored, believing I am responsible to serve everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within emotional energy to the extent where it has mentally and physically stressed myself and my body to the point of conditioning me and the body into a panicked state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent to which my participation in emotions had effected my mental and physical state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so disconnected from me and from my body that I have not seen, realized and understood how great an effect my emotional states can have on me and my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -not for a moment- stop, for a moment breathe and for a moment see and ask myself ‘ what am I doing to me? what am I doing to my body? is this the experience that I want to create for me? is this the experience that I want to create for my body?’

I commit myself to change from an energy being to a physical being, by slowing down and to move with breath, which is moving with and as the physical, within equality and oneness with and as life:  4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts.

no limits 3

Eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection

Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support