Day 355: Credence of the Alcoholic: avoid…avoid…avoid

barbar 2

For proper context to this post please read the previous post:  Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

Please note, this self-forgiveness is written in present tense.

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my alcoholism on being in debt to my parents and others. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my mom, being one of the creditors, for my addiction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the addiction character and as the addiction character experience myself as superior, where I react with self-pity, spite, righteousness, and judgement like, ‘they didn’t become addicts because they had no stress about money!’ I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then swing into a polarized reaction of inferiority, where I react with guilt for having judged another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my ex-husband for the financial position I find myself in. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the depression character, as a distraction so I don’t have to face the truth of me as someone who is not facing their finances in a responsible manner, as a single parent. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then fall into the emotional reactions of self-pity/blame/and judgement, victimizing myself even further within these reactions.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck/immobile within inferiority, using alcohol as self-medication which creates a cycle of depression, so that I do not have to look/introspect what is behind it, as my responsibility to figure out the best way forward, to create financial stability for my family. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of tiredness-or a self created reality as being hungover-and so always have an excuse to ‘sleep the days away’ so to avoid facing the facts of my life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea exist within and as me, that I am someone who ‘does not share easily with another’ and react with self-judgement and guilt in regards to not sharing my personal struggles with my mom.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my parents for causing the breakdown/mental illness and alcoholism in the first place, and so assume they would not understand – so that is why I did not share. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experience character and within this hold an idea within me that I can write her a letter (meaning, this idea gave me a ‘good’ feeling/experience), like it is the magic answer/will be easier than talking to her in person/face her.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself participating in self-definitions using ‘I’ statements (see the previous blog), swinging from the positively charged ego experience of superiority toward my mom/women in my family, within reactions of blame, judgement and self-righteousness, or within seeing myself as ‘saviour’ who can ‘be the better/bigger person’ someone who can enlighten others, to the polarity negative experience of inferiority, within reactions of guilt and self-judgement for owing money, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is physically here, what is real in my life in this moment. I realize I acted in self-interest, by desiring specialness and my own ideas about debt, that were positively charged. Thus, I avoided the truth of me, that I felt inferior. I also see that I avoided speaking to my mom about the debt in reality, and instead projected onto her my own ideas and perceptions about money/loans, positively charged, colored by how my mind wants to energetically experience itself.  As such, I victimized myself by putting my faith in an idea that she would forgive the debt. Thus I commit myself to no longer victimize myself /another by sticking to reality, in relation to speaking with family members/people about issues of money/other situations, not allowing myself to conjure up ideas in my mind and project them onto others.

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Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

alcoholic

alcoholic 3You can hide alcoholism for quite a while, several years actually.  I did just that, until….well I didn’t, I allowed it to take me over/possess/ consume me just as I was consuming it.  This ‘coming out’ of the alcoholic is both humiliating and at the same time almost a bother, like, ‘they act like this is something new, duh I’m a drunk, just leave me alone, let me drink for god’s sake’, very self-absorbed/self-indulgent.

Here I share a time when I wrote my mother a letter explaining  why I borrowed money and did not pay her back. My mom was understandably worried and frustrated with me, and there was a time -when she was trying to settle her accounts- when her and I differed on what we thought was the amount owing. So I wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me (life experiences) and why I did not pay her back in entirety and what I calculated -showed calculations/dates/etc-to be the balance owing.

As I wrote the letter and whenever a memory of the letter comes up within me, there are several ‘I’ statements -self-definitions- accompanying it.  Hmm, part of the vicious cycle? Definitely!  No more suppressing, here I bring these self-definitions to the forefront, to expose the thinking and eliminate it from my life/being/living!

Note: sober 11 years now.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone- that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I am exposed, thinking, ‘ I fucked up so bad in my life, my life didn’t turn out at all, I was terrible, such a lazy drunk, how could I have done that, I only need a job/steady income, I look like such a failure to my mom, my mom hates when people are irresponsible, she used to see me as responsible, now I’m just a loser, it’s so embarrassing to be seen in this glaring light…’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self-definition of ‘I fucked up so bad’, in which I connect emotional experiences of regret, self-judgement, guilt, self-blame and shame.

Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘a fuck up’ and define myself as ‘a fuck-up’, which activates the emotional experience of inferiority, this inferiority acts as a platform identity/starting point/foundation from which other self-depreciating points/personalities can emerge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as being ashamed, assuming my mother judges me for being a ‘fuck up’ for having built up so much debt and in that shame going into self-judgement and wanting to curl up, as in a ball of shame, and hide from the world.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the statement ‘my life didn’t turn out at all’ in which I connect the emotional experiences of self-pity, regret, self-judgement and disappointment.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself/live as ‘disappointed’ based on/through the eyes of my parents, as goals and ideals that I did not achieve, specifically these goals & ideals being:  a happy marriage with a home, cottage, cars, vacations, children, a secure family life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and live as the self-definition of ‘I was terrible’, where I engage in/connect emotional experiences of guilt, self-judgement and self-blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I was such a lazy drunk’ where I connect emotional experiences of shame, self-judgement, disgust and regret.

Within the regret, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a self-definition of ‘I hurt my children’ within and as me, and then judging myself for that thus creating another self-definition of ‘I am a bad mother’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself into being ashamed to the extreme of wanting to go and hide in a ball of shame inside of myself and that is exactly what I did becoming an alcoholic, I used sleep (being hung over) as an escape from the reality of my life, perpetuating the addiction cycle of being stuck/not moving forward as I was always feeling physically and mentally weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of shame, disappointment, self-judgement, self-pity, and depression to the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my parents are judging me for not being the person they thought I was, as in ‘the one they never have to worry about’ and having an expectation of myself to ‘live up to’/perform this role for my parents so they have less stress and stay healthy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, as an adult, desire more attention from my parents and think, ‘there, now they’ll see I have problems too, I need your attention too’, in that comparing myself to my siblings and competing for my parents time and attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want my parents to take care of me, as in pay my way/move in with them/help with down payment/ (when I found myself a single parent) but really desiring also time and attention, like I was still a child, rather than taking self-responsibility as an adult!!

Also within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disappointed in myself, that my parents now have to worry about me too, along with their other children/other stresses in life, thus creating another self-definition of , ‘I am a bad daughter’.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser’ and have it exist within and as me.  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of self-pity, self-judgement, self-blame, helplessness, hopelessness, self-victimization and regret to the self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser ‘.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to stagnate/stand still and feel sorry for myself because my marriage did not work out, using alcohol to medicate myself in a cycle of helplessness until I felt like a ‘loser’ instead of simply looking and accepting, ‘ok it did not work out, what can I do now’ in common sense.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the path my mind led me on -from the point of the break up of my marriage to: songwriter, musician I obsessed, using alcohol and spirituality until I became mentally unstable, fulfilling the point of believing I was a loser when my marriage ended, proving it to myself over years of drinking until it was ‘true’/manifested in the physical as problems I created being financially unstable and having to borrow to survive.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I then suppressed the fear by going into a depressed state. Thus, within this depression, I am able to avoid examining these thoughts/self-definitions and facing my own truth of who I am as inferiority, so I do not change myself, do not step up to face my responsibilities but stay stagnant, thus there is no personal growth nor life change by working through problems/creating solutions.

Also, within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that behind the fear is the belief that I am inferior, so the fear and depression masking/veiling what I do not want to face, which is the self-belief that I am inferior to others who have financial stability/created financial stability in their lives because I did not face my responsibilities as an adult, instead I hid using alcohol & the idea I was ‘special’ within spirituality (like, I was here for a special reason, to write ‘enlightening’ music lol) to suppress the facts of my life.

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Day 353: Re-Defining the Word ‘Rich’ – Part 3 of Comparing Myself

no limits 2For proper context to this post please read:   Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other Happy ‘Rich’ Families:  Part 1 and Part 2

Problem:    So why -since my reality today is that I am financially stable-do I still have these old thoughts/thinking patterns?  Why do they still come up within me, with reactions of blame, resentment and now guilt?

 Solution:  To re-define words so as to live them-not from the starting point of the past-but as a living expression of self, here in each moment.

RICH:

SELF’S ALLOCATION POINT: I have lived this word, though most of my life, as a reaction of jealousy, and a self-belief that ‘I am not this , I am not rich’. Also within the ideas that to be rich means you get to relax, experience less stress and worry, get to play/enjoy hobbies and travel at leisure, that you are-or have the appearance of being a good parent, partner, hostess at a home or cottage, a competent and organized person who is ‘successful’ thus safe because the world/others see value in this person. I understand I could not allow myself to have this financial state of ‘rich’ because of a self-belief and self-definition that I was a ‘good person’ not a witch or a bitch, like, ‘I care about others so would not want to have more than another’ kind of thing, so as a martyr. I was ‘good’ = poor. I also see I had a deep seated self-belief that I did not deserve to be rich and so chose a husband who was often out of work, financially extravagant and irresponsible. As I saw our financial state worsen into disaster, never once did I consider with any seriousness, ‘hey, I love/care about me and my partner , I’m not going to let this happen, I’m going to go back to work and/or take the bull by the horns and take control of the finances in this household’. Nope, instead I let things happen/fall because I was afraid that if I showed too much strength my husband would leave me, like showing too much strength was not feminine and he would not be attracted to me and thus he would leave me, as it would make him look weak. But he left me anyway lol, almost completely penniless with two young children.

In contrast, growing up In our family home, my parents both worked very hard and the result was solid financial stability. Sometimes, when we young children and asked for something/commented on something my parents would respond in an exasperated tone with ‘Oh well, they’re rich, it’s easy for them to have that/give that to their children, we’re not rich so if you want that you’ll have to work for it!’ My dad would often overly consume alcohol (not to the falling down/slurring his words point) and accuse his teenage children of being ‘spoiled, selfish, rich kids’ my parents had quite a bit more money by then. This really stung me, meaning I really took his words ‘to heart’ but thought ‘no, he is wrong, that is not me, I am not spoiled or selfish, I’ll show him!’  So, it is interesting, I did show him by becoming ‘poor’ (by Canadian standards) and asking for loans/becoming somewhat financially dependent upon my parents in adulthood.

 

no limits 3DICTIONARY DEFINITION: RICH:  Having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means,or funds; wealthy

SOUNDING: Bitch, Witch, glitch, itch

ENERGETIC CHARGE OF THE WORD: I can see I have negatively charged this word, like people who are rich are bad/evil/mean/selfish.   Interestingly, there exists that judgement and blame within my backchat, like ‘if I were rich I wouldn’t be like them, I would be nice, humble and generous’. So now that I have financial stability, I have been living the word in a reaction of guilt like, ‘I do not deserve this when others do not have it’.

CREATIVE WRITING: I have lived/experienced life with more than enough money, just enough money and not enough money. Although, I have grown, changed over the years, I am still the same person essentially, a human being who has needs to survive and thrive, neither good nor bad, witch nor princess, up nor down, I am simply here on earth as all others are here.

Today, I understand all deserve an abundant life, as what mother earth provides. All deserve a life where it is not a daily struggle to survive.

WRITING THE DEFINITION: A state of being in which one possesses all it needs and more.

REDEFINING THE WORD AS A LIVING EXPRESSION OF SELF:

RICH:  Fulfilled, whole and limitless, freely exploring and expressing.

 

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Day 352: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 2

suv mom 2rich family 2From Part 1:  Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced and still experience/carry with me as memories of when I was a single parent: I compare myself, then see myself as inferior to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have/had a hard life because I have/had no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experiencing myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by reacting within superiority as justifications of blame, righteousness, anger.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money with: my own self-worth, worthiness in general /the right to life, how I am able to be organized and competent in my life, a belief in secrecy, the idea-within polarities- of:  success & failure, strength and weakness, the idea that money gives you power, safety and ‘the right to privacy’ whereas lack of money brings vulnerability/exposure and danger.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then blame the women in my family/women I perceive as ‘rich’ for my reaction of judgement within comparison & competition, blame, resentment, and inferiority because it is easier than facing myself/examining my life and living as to why I am financially unstable and feeling less than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a perception within me that because my mom/sister/cousin have ample money, they have an easy and perfect life. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ample money with ‘an easy & perfect life’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt for having this belief/perception exist within me, knowing the human experience is not that simple /everyone has challenges throughout their life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-pity when I think my life is difficult because of having no money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and jealousy and think, ‘I hate my mom/sister/cousin for having such easy lives cause they have ample money’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate ‘doing everything right’ with the amount of money I have and thus justify my life situation, which resulted from my own thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of polarities, specifically within my own self-beliefs. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inferior and then justify my own inferiority by becoming superior, as in I am better than they are because I am insightful /smart enough to see the truth, the truth being they have money because they married the ‘loyal/faithful/strong husband’ and I married the ‘wrong’ guy who left when things got tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy, towards the women in my family, for marrying the ‘right guy’ when I married the ‘wrong guy’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a failure/less than and then make myself ‘feel better’ by becoming all righteous, swinging from one extreme to the other and judging others in the process. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘oh, they just look goodcause they have an easy life and so never have to/had to resort to using a substance/medicate themselves, like I have to with alcohol, just to get through a day!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in judgement, anger, hatred and jealously, comparison, competition towards my mom/sister/cousin, because they make me look bad in comparison to them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, hatred and jealousy to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other women/women in my family being financially stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ they are insensitive to me, they are just stupid rich women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive they should know how I am experiencing myself.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into mind patterns of comparison and competition, within how I interpret and react to myself/my life versus the lives of the other women in my family, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is here in physical reality and feel my feet on the ground. I realize comparison/competition are both mind programs/systems that exist as a distraction, so I am accessing pictures in my mind of others and connecting an idea that I am inferior to those images, so then I get caught up inreactions and am not able to effectively direct myself with what is here in my real life! I also realize I am only considering one dimension of my mother’s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture. Finally, I understand that the amount of money one has does not correlate to how ‘perfect’ their life is, as perfection is an inner process resulting in directing oneself towards what is best for all, moment to moment. Thus, I commit myself to stopping all such participation within comparison and competitive thinking, in relation to the women in my family.

So here, I need to re-define the word ‘rich’ –from a point of comparison with all sorts of reactions- based on the past as memories of blame, hate, jealously, resentment, anger-& from how I am living it today (now that I am financial stable) as guilt, worry into the living word as how I express myself self-honestly in each moment here.

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Day 351: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 1

poor familydisneydisney 2Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced (to a certain degree still experience/carry with me as memories) of when I was a single parent:  (note: I will write in present tense) where I compare myself, then see myself as inferior, to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have a hard life because I have no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experience myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by jumping to a superiority experience  using justifications, blame, righteousness, anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority towards the women in my family who have more money/financial stability than I do. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical structure of the current money system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve one requires money to be organized and competent and to use this as an excuse for my emotions and behaviour, when I was given my cousins letter to read and within the memory of the xmas party.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ideas, within polarities, of : more than/less than, success/failure, rich/poor, foolish woman/competent woman. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy towards women in my family who have ample money when I am struggling financially to take care of my family/myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I hate them for having so much money when I have none, they don’t know what it is like/how hard my life it/it’s not fair/why is my life like this and there life is so great?’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, jealousy and hatred to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other woman in my family being financially stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my life to other women in my family, specifically in and around the amount of money one has. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than/insignificant/disposable and therefore vulnerable and that they are more than/powerful/special to their partner and the world and therefore safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy because I perceive they are safe, their children are safe, and they have no worries because they have ample money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is a system/program of the mind that exist as a mechanism of deliberate self-distraction – as it brings up images of other people, connected with ideas that I am inferior to those images and then I react emotionally to the images in my mind, where I then miss that which is actually really important and valuable and real, which is my own life within and as my physical reality Here and thus don’t ever really take my life in my own hands and direct my life in a way that is best for me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself within comparisons instead of facing the facts of my life as a single parent with little money and the troubles I am facing with my mind and how I am using alcohol to medicate myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I would face myself/my life I would be able to take corrective steps toward that which I am reacting to, which is- not having a home for my children & not being able to provide for myself and my children to live a dignified life, thus to some degree eliminating the minds tendency to go into comparisons and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the emotional experiences of self-pity, anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy connected with the construct of comparison and competition in the mind between how much money my mom/sister/cousin have and how much money I have – and therein believing that this construct is ‘real’ — when in fact it is not actually real, it has nothing to do with actual reality (in the past: I could have looked at the situation factually-as numbers and made sensible decisions based on that & today: I have ample money) it is just imagination, and so I give away that which is real, my own life, to an illusion, which is the images, thoughts, ideas, interpretations and emotional reactions in the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only one dimension of my mother‘s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and with blame towards the women in my family, who have financial stability. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because they ‘make me look bad‘/shine the light on me so everyone can see how I am a failure and have nothing of value to offer anyone/the world, which means I am disposable/can be overlooked/forgotten and thus be left alone/vulnerable with no one to assist my children and I, so we may perish.

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Day 350: Fear of Conflict: Reacting to my Mom 2

fighting

I am continuing looking at some memories of my mom (she passed on 2 years ago). As she aged, she would often ask her children to assist her with different chores/tasks and sometimes she would be difficult/controlling, in relation to how we performed them lol. Firstly, I would see myself as superior to her and react with anger,blame, and judgement. Then I would swing into reactions of inferiority as self-doubt, guilt and self-judgement – within the role of dutiful daughter. In conflictual situations, specifically herefamily situations, I can see I am fearful of my own incompetency, within performing certain tasks and my ability to communicate, so I do not speak up in self-honestly/I remain silent. I give the communication a negative charge, as in defining it as a confrontation/argument/fighting. Often, I go into judgement, fear and/or superiority when others do speak up, like ‘I’m not getting into this, they can if they want but I am better/above that kind of behavior/fighting nonsense!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my mom as difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge my mom for how I am experiencing myself, within hanging thepicture, thinking it is because she is difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt and then go into reactions of guilt and self-judgement, in and around this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of judgement/blame and then guilt within standing up/speaking up to my mom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me wherein I go into an experience of guilt and then fear, for speaking up/communicating within family conflict situations because I believe I have ‘hurt my mom’s/another’s feelings and thus made things worse’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when I am struggling within a task and then project this onto another within blame and/or anger. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I think the other will see me as less than/inferior and then I will have to look at this myself/face my own self-belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear that I am less then/inferior to the task that I am facing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern of fear when thinking about speaking up about a situation with a family member. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to givecommunication/speaking with a family member a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom/a family member is angry with me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and fear when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear and anger when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within judgement and superiority when another/family member is speaking up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of superiority and judgement when a family member is speaking in a confrontational tone.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into patterns of fearing family conflict/conflict whereby, instead of speaking-up in the moment self-honestly, I rather internalize reactions of blame and anger, toward another/my mother, then swing into the bullying character where I experience myself as guilty, so to avoid/not have to face the starting point of blaming another, I stop and breathe. I realize once I slow down and remain in the physical it releases the fear as I am assessing the situation just in the moment/physical with a starting point of solutions. I remind myself to not take anything personally but to take responsibility for an outcome that will be best for all involved, then all is simplified and because I am calm I can see a solution with much more clarity and I can move/do/act much more competently to, as in this case fix/repair something for another. Thus I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions of blame and anger and to focus on solutions when assisting another.

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Day 349: Reacting to Another’s Changing Moods

angry momHere, I am looking at childhood memories, in relation to when my Mom would get angry at me and my siblings and I would have nightmares of having 2 moms, a good/nice mom and a mean/evil mom. I saw myself as a helpless victim within my familyhome/relationship to my mom and was a very fearful of her changing moods/behaviours. According to how I perceived the situation, I experienced myself as either safe/happy or unsafe/fearful thus allowing others/my external environment to control/direct who I am/how I behave in any given moment. I also experienced myself as fearful of the unkown, like ‘what happened to my loving mother, where did she go, who is this, I don’t understand this person in front of me, how do I respond to this person who is so angry at me, what do I do?’ I can see now I was afraid of having that which I trust turn against me, thus losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarities of good and bad, within judgements toward my mom.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the situation in relation to my mom’s changing moods, where I react to my mom in extremes, swinging from feeling safe/happy to unsafe/fearful thus allowing another/my external environment to control/direct who I am/how I behave in any given moment.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear/experience fear of losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear of losing my parents whenever I think that my mother is angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception and observation of my mom’s expression as being ‘angry’ and being an ‘evil mom’ to trigger and activate an emotional pattern within myself of fear of losing my parents and my home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when facing something which I do not understand and know what the outcome will be.

angry mom 2I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom to be angry and so assume I can no longer direct myself and the situation, as in lack of control.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of having that which I trust turn against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the situation, in relation to my mom’s changing moods, where I victimize myself through the pattern of reacting in fear that no one /nothing can be trusted/I am alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me, where I victimize myself by judging another as wrong/bad and so I can no longer trust them.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself falling into patterns of reacting within self-victimization & fear to another’s mood/reactions, where I fear losing that person/the relationship/losing that which I know and trust/ I fear the unknown/I believe that which I trust has turned against me so I am alone, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I do not have to react/change within myself to another’s reactions/changing behaviour, whether it be a positive or negative  but I can support myself and the other, within what is unfolding in the moment, by remaining stable/bringing myself back to reality/stability. I also realize, as a child I did not know better and victimized myself in these situations with my mom but I am able today to see I don’t need another for relationship or someone to provide a home for me, as I have myself and I am stable financially and emotionally. As well, I am more aware of this fear as it comes up within me and so am able to choose not to participate in it, as I understand it is useless/does not change the situation but only adds more conflict/friction within me if/when I react, making a solution more difficult/lengthy to be found. Thus I commit myself to no longer ‘take on’ another’s emotions & feelings/react to another’s reactions, instead I commit to remain out of my mind in self-responsibility.

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Day 348: Addicted to Energy 2: Creating Stability with Breath

cats 2From Addicted to Energy 1:  I have been listening to the Cat from the Animal Life Review series at Eqafe: specifically Cats and Self Discovery, and finding them fascinating and also very practical within walking my daily process.  The point here is to stop myself from moving with/existing as energy (my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions) but instead use my breath – within each moment throughout my day- as a stabilizing force,  here, with and as the physical.  It is suggested with breath not to be aggressive but rather assertive, meaning not to force but to direct ones breathing in a stable, consistent, flowing manner, thus creating physical stability… then practice moving throughout my day in stability and no energy reactions

Why am I reacting automatically?  In moments, when  I am not aware of my body and breath & I allow my mind to wander/drift, I leave myself open/vulnerable to whatever the mind may throw at me, OFTEN imaginations take hold and then I follow them down garden path.

When and as I see myself attaching a negative charge to having summer students-ELS as tennants, where I react in fear, anxiety, worry creating stress/harm to my physical body,  I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to focus on what is before me in this day, I realize it is necessary to earn income and I do overall enjoy having students stay with us.  Thus, I commit myself to breathe, stabilize, plan, shop ahead, cook/prepare some meals and freeze them, thus I am focusing on/acting on solutions in the physical instead of in my mind, looping with problems.

When and as I see myself going into the personality/character of ‘fear of flying’, where I react with intense fear that myself or someone I am close to will die in a plane crash & where I put tremendous stress on my physical body I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to get out of my mind and remain with waht is real and stable here-the physical/my body.   I realize, after I had researched it, flying in reality is quite safe, much more safe than driving in a car, a bus, a train.  In fact a plane takes off /or land every second!! It is very rare that someone dies from a plane crash. Thus, I commit myself to look up these statistics/fact when and as I see I need this reminder.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger and frustration toward my husband’s choices in relation to our home/renovation and other ‘small stuff’ I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to communicate this to him in the physical, in a way that I would want to be spoken to, I see he often has cool ideas that I would not have considered, it is fun to try something new, he is open to/receives verbal communication well, things get resolved/move forward when I speak up!  Thus, I commit myself to stop looping inside my own mind, with complaining, spiteful, nasty inner gossip, where I criticize my husband in my private mind/world.

When and as I see myself react with fear and worry that my son thinks I am annoying when I ask about his day/life I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself to get my head out of the clouds and feel my feet on the ground.  I realize most often he is friendly and almost always (if not in a friendly/social mood) he is respectful, as he has matured alot in the last few years/not a teenager. I understand everyone doesn’t want to talk all the time, people need their space, it has been a transition from boy/teen/adult for me as well, I see it is best not to ask him questions/engage first thing in the morning with my son.  Thus, I commit myself to be considerate when choosing an appropriate time to speak with my son and slowing down-be careful of each word I speak- so I do not regret what I said, thus I do not feel the need/desire to review it in my mind/go into self-doubt and other emotions, after we have spoke.

When and as I see myself reacting with annoyance, frustration, anger when my student/tenant is home alot in a day and is asking me questions/wanting to engage/socialize with me  I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself this is part of my job and important for earning income, I also remind myself to treat another as I would want to be treated. I realize it is not the person I am angry/frustrated with, it is more the situation at times, when I am busy and I can let go and enjoy a conversation or assisting her in some way.  Thus, I commit myself to practice moving throughout my day in stability and no energy reactions.

 

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Day 347: Addicted to Energy: Creating Stability

catsI have been listening to the Cat from the Animal Life Review series at Eqafe: specifically Cats and Self Discovery, and finding them fascinating and also very practical within walking my daily process.

The point here is to stop myself from moving with/existing as energy (my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions) but instead use my breath – within each moment throughout my day- as a stabilizing force,  here, with and as the physical.  It is suggested with breath not to be aggressive but rather assertive, meaning not to force but to direct ones breathing in a stable, consistent, flowing manner, thus creating physical stability.

In the 3rd interview, of 6, the cat suggests a practical exercise: look at throughout my day, where am I reacting the most and where throughout my day am I reacting the least, then to walk these extremes within self-correction, with simple/to the point/direct commitment statements.

INTENSE REACTIONS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an intense reaction when thinking about the future, spring and summer, when I will have 2 ELS (English Language Student) boarders, which means I will be proving 3 meals a day for 5 adult, shopping, cooking, cleaning. Specifically, I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I am attaching/connecting an intense emotion of fear, as stress/anxiety, to thinking I will not have enough time for other daily responsibilities, as I am the ‘house mother’ so there is more that I am involved with , with these students (not just meals).

In that, I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I have done this my whole life, as moving as an energy being unaware of the stress I am building up in my body and now, within beginning the processs of walking the quantum physical, I see how I become ill with nausea/upset stomach almost immediately when this patterns occurs within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an intense physical reaction of fear, anxiety, stress & worry on the day my daughter was flying home from her vacation, which built as time went on in the next few days as I did not hear from her-but I did not realize her flight was actually 2 days later and then delayed another day.

In that, I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I have harm my physical body by manifesting digestion problems because I did not see/realize/understand how over time/years, I have created a ‘fear of flying ‘ personality (mostly from watching movies and documentaries about plane crashes) and this energy is like a shock/electrocution of my waters/a storm within me that makes me physically weak and sick.

SUBTLE REACTIONS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger toward my husband’s choice of decor in our bathroom renovation, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear and worry that my son thinks I am annoying when I ask about his day/life, especially in the morning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with annoyance, frustration, anger when my student/tenant is home alot in a day and is asking me questions/wanting to engage/socialize with me.

To Continue

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