Day 365: Blaming my Partner for my own Reactions – Money Issues

Here I am sharing self-forgiveness that I have started in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) around the relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to A’s reaction of frustration, in relation to using the credit card, where I fall into beliefs, perceptions and assumptions that he is criticizing me in someway and I need to defend myself, like I need to convince myself I am innocent of whatever it is he is accusing me of.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project this idea onto A, that I am the cause of his voice sounding stressed/frustrated/angy, and so I am guilty of doing something ‘bad’ ‘wrong’.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind‘s polarity/idea of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ instead of looking at A’s reaction in reality/common sense in the moment, like ‘ok A is reacting, I remind myself to not take this on and how can I be supportive in this moment /clarify the situation.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself react with anger, defensiveness and blame in relation to A’s reaction around pre-paying the credit card before I use it, where I am suppressing my own guilt that I have to use his card because I have bad credit & I am then projecting it onto A.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself react with anger and superiority like, ‘how dare he suggest I am ungrateful’ because I am asked to pre-pay the card but I use it easily when I don’t have to pre-pay it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see /realize/understand how I am manipulating myself into a physical reaction of stress/anxiety where my body stiffens and that I am suppressing the truth of me, that I feel guilty/bad that I do not have my own credit card.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt, self-judgement, self-blame, fear, & insecurity, where I swing to the polarized reaction of inferiority when I looked at point later and saw that I brought this situation on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea exist within and as me that A will be pleased if I take care of paying myself, without using the credit card, projecting this idea onto A.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, self-doubt, frustration, nervousness, and tension to A saying we could have received alot of airmiles if I had used the card.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into automation/quantum reactions of energy, where I believe the thought/reaction-which is based on the past– to be real, instead of remaining stable here and remembering my body and breath.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a physical reaction of tensing my shoulder muscles & my jaw, and holding my breath when I feel threatened or something surprises me/pops out of nowhere.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up the emotions of anger and blame when A came home, as I was communicating to him my confusion about the text he sent me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame toward A. that I paid cash for my purchase instead of receiving airmiles points by using the card because he did not explain his reasoning to me clearly.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame as an excuse for my own reactions of anger and then guilt, when I realize it is my responsibility, in each moment, to direct my inner and outer world.

To continue

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Day 364: PANIC Attacks: part 4

Please see:  PANIC Attacks: Part 1

Continuing with Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as the nervousness and anxiety come up, remind myself that the emotions were coming from past mistakes that I had made and I can breathe and let the emotions go and then decide to apply and practice the living word trust.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as the nervousness and anxiety come up remind myself I have redefined the word trust/self-trust –as the living word trust as–I know that I was struggling/having difficulty with anxiety and that I am self-honest in the fact that I know I need to slow down/not rush/breathe/relax my body, I have really looked into /at this point, I CAN GET THINGS DONE ONE BREATH AT A TIME WITHOUT SPEEDING UP–what I do not get to will be there tomorrow– therefore there is no need to go into these thoughts or reactions because I trust this moment within me that I am self-honest in slowing down/moving with and as the physical.

I commit myself to living –becoming the living manifestation of the word calm –comfort, silence resulting in serenity

From A Truth Seekers Journey to Life

When and as I see myself in a calm and comfortable embodiment and something disturbs me or disrupts me I stop and breathe and I do not go into a state of panic or victimization but continue to breathe in and out dispersing and dissipating any energy that was created not behaving and acting from the energy or letting it direct me.

When and as I see myself go into the panic system or any other system where I feel energy and emotions I stop and breathe and I  apply self forgiveness and I do not continue in any behavior of acting it out but continue to breathe until the system releases.

I commit myself to direct life from my being and not energy from past memories stored within my  quantum physical and wait until energy dissipates before speaking or acting.

I commit myself to equalize all memories where I felt disrupted by someone where I would ‘jump out of my skin’ and to not be afraid to be disrupted again where I would act out in fear and terror.

I commit myself to feeling safe and comfortable in my own skin and not waiting for something to disrupt me.

I commit myself to be a whole being and free from the systems of panic and fear where I separate myself from myself into energy and mind projections.

I commit myself to be one and equal with the physical free of fear and being separate from the physical but becoming physical in totality without the energy of consciousness.

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Day 363: PANIC Attacks: Relationship to Memories: Part 3

From PANIC Attacks: Part 1

I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!  The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.  I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING. Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!

Time to change!
Continuing

So, I had some good days but a few nights ago anxiety came back with a vengence–as a increasing of tightening in my solar plexes–built up to the point I had to take medication before bed.  I was really disappointed in myself, I felt like a failure and worried about my health.  The thing is I was surprised at the intensity of the anxiety –right in the center of my chest (solar plexus) –so it must have built up in small moment (where I had reacted to thoughts/memories/imaginations and then emotion) and missed it, throughout the day!

As I was listening to these 2 interviews/audios from Eqafe, which I highly suggest:  Panic Attacks:  Real Time Change  AND  Anu’s Process of Creation.  I was cleaning around the house with a duster, as I often do household chores each morning, I noticed how tense my whole body was becoming; my face/jaw clenching and my eyes scrunching, forehead scrunching, my upper arms, stomach and solar plexes (chest area)! Even as I am typing this I notice my jaw moving slightly to the left and the clenching of my teeth/jaw happening.

An overall feeling I must hurry up/rush because there is still so much to do, I became increasingly full of self-doubt & fear about the task I was performing –being cleaning up animal hair/dust/fluff/cobwebs (put mr. spider outside).

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat, like:  ‘should I be spending time doing this now, I wasn’t planning on doing this now so I should hurry up and get on with what I planned to do today, it just gets dirty again, P. (my partner) expects me to do this, P. does so much this is my job, I must keep up the house or he will criticize/judge me harshly, he thinks he does everything, I don’t do as much as P., I better keep up or I will be in trouble!’  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so disappointed in myself, I am a failure, I am too far gone, I am too old to make process. ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotions of fear, worry, regret, sadness, self-pity, and give this experience–of tensing up and participating in backchat while I was cleaning– a negative charge.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by holding onto memories of my dad being mad at my mom if he felt she had not done something right in the home, then projecting these memories onto my relationship and attaching a reaction of fear to it–just like I feared my father -his angry tone towards my mother in these situations, I now fear my husband will do the same to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to review recent phone conversations, where I go into self-doubt and self-judgement thinking /questioning myself, ‘Did I say something wrong? I cut her off when she was sharing something vulnerable! Does she think I am rude because I cut her off? Did I share too much/inappropriately?’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and fall into thought patterns, with pictures in my mind of the people I have spoken to recently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination of what I should have said, bringing up/connecting more pictures: of the location they are at-or are speaking about, of my other siblings and think ‘I hope he doesn’t call me back,  we spoke long enough, I have other stuff to do, I am too busy to talk more’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have connected an emotion of worry/stress with all of this &  then fall into automated behavioral changes-as how I have programmed myself over time of:    constricting throat/neck, shortness of breath and very tight stomach muscles.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not here/present with me/my life/life itself but instead lost in my mind of the past-the recent memories/reviewing the conversation and going into the future of the trip I am planning with my siblings/past trips and future seeing my mother-in-law at my daughter’s house. Thus, I am forgetting to focus on what is before me in reality, as here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have connected a reaction of worry, nervousness, stress to realizing I have been lost in thought patterns about entertainment, family and household responsibilities, which  builds up anxiety throughout the day.

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Day 362: PANIC Attacks: Part 2

From PANIC Attacks: Part 1

I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!  The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.  I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING. Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!  Time to change!

Continuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweat the small stuff/make mountains out of mole hills, as in the daily task and responsibilities I have to perform, reviewing them in my head–getting ahead of myself–meaning, as I am doing one task, I am thinking about the next, never allowing myself to be present in the moment-in peace-and focus, thus building up energies as I go along, and tensing my body more and more as I am moving about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, as I am not here in the present moment within daily tasks/responsibilities, I am separating myself from my body causing behavioral changes like: nausea, pain in forehead-eyebrows, constricting throat, tightness in chest and solar plexus and swirling/queasy stomach–resulting in increased intense sweats (the menopause system), digestion problems and hemorrhoids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, laziness, postponement, and worry to daily responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in pictures that pop up in my mind, as I am performing daily tasks, and follow that picture down the rabbit hole into my imagination and/or memories, particularily of family members and recent tv shows/movies I have watched.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an emotional reaction of anxiety to the memory of recent panic attacks, specifically having dinner with my family trying to be ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, as long as I’m holding onto this emotional reaction of anxiety-to a panic attack that happened in a memory-this memory and emotional charge of anxiety will continue feeding this panic system within myself in the present.

I assist and support myself  -to in this moment- take a breath , let the anxiety go as I am speaking this self-forgiveness, set the memory free to be but a remembrance and not have any more control of my present day life experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a physical, emotional, reactive response to this memory of a panic attack.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand or even be aware of the emotional reactions on a physical level I have attached to this particular memory of a panic attack.
I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as long as this memory exists as a emotional physical reaction within myself, I am feeding the very thing that I am afraid of, which is panic.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to get to know my relationship to these memories on an emotional as well as physical level, where I am only now becoming aware of how much emotional energy I’ve attached to these particular memories of panic.

I assist and support myself to set myself and my body free from the emotions I have built up in relation to these panic attacks.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put myself and my body through these emotional reactions to memories.

I assist and support myself -and as well my body- to set me and my body free from these emotional possessions.

I commit myself to change from an energy being to a physical being, by slowing down and to move with breath, which is moving with and as the physical, within equality and oneness with and as life:  4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts.

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Day 361: PANIC Attacks: Part 1

I have been experiencing extreme anxiety/stress lately.  I seem to have constructed a whole panic system within me, thought patterns that are now activating in quantum time-meaning without even having the thoughts/emotions come up/ into my conscious awareness-just the body responding within a panicked state of : constricted throat, very tight chest and solar plexes, an overall feeling/experience of anxiety.  This can be very frightening!  Although I am working through this, now I am finding just accessing a MEMORY of a previous panic attack is enough to ignite the whole system/construct!

The series on Eqafe: Panic Attacks is proving invaluable.

I can see that my internal panic system is closely linked to RUSHING

Anything I have created within me I can re-create/change!  Time to change!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too fast in my mind, and then to speak too fast, where I am connecting a reaction of worry and fear, in relation to reviewing/listing in my mind, all the responsibilities of the day and then thinking, ‘there is not enough time to get everything done!’.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the act of rushing in reality can cause one to be late-the very opposite of what I want to occur.  I realize I saw my mother in this kind of rushing/worrying state often and she was often late for things, so I learned this behaviour very young- as saw her in this state often-almost everyday of my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush around at family gatherings and parties, where I react with worry/stress at feeling responsible for everyone to be having a good time/enjoying themselves, make sure everyone is ‘ok’, believing I am responsible for making sure the older people are ok because if I don’t they will be ignored, believing I am responsible to serve everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within emotional energy to the extent where it has mentally and physically stressed myself and my body to the point of conditioning me and the body into a panicked state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent to which my participation in emotions had effected my mental and physical state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so disconnected from me and from my body that I have not seen, realized and understood how great an effect my emotional states can have on me and my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -not for a moment- stop, for a moment breathe and for a moment see and ask myself ‘ what am I doing to me? what am I doing to my body? is this the experience that I want to create for me? is this the experience that I want to create for my body?’

I commit myself to change from an energy being to a physical being, by slowing down and to move with breath, which is moving with and as the physical, within equality and oneness with and as life:  4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts.

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Day 360: Flirting: Taking Responsibility for the Past

This is a cool video, I am not much of a flirt, never have been but this interview assisted me greatly to see/understand a past relationship, connected some dots: from Eqafe, Flirting – Relationship Success Support

When my first marriage was in trouble, a musician I had met gave me flirting signs. I  went into my mind of fantasy instead of communicating clearly with this man to determine/understand ‘where he was coming from’ with this flirting and simply asking ‘well, I’m married but in an unhappy marriage, what is your intention?’ From the above mentioned audio , I now understand he activated an energetic response in me, I had for years built up a fantasy of a man playing guitar sitting around a campfire, romanticized this idea like , ‘this is the man I would want to be with, a sensitive, passionate man’. I connected a musician to someone who is sensitive and I connected and imagined an energy of a ‘happy relationship’ and attached value to it.

I did not speak up, but made assumptions and built up an IDEA of:  who he was, that he felt the same as I , that he would not just use me but that he would love, respect me as I would him and if we were to be intimate that would mean he wanted to be with me forever.

Oh boy, now that I look at it in print–that is alot of assumption/belief/perception going on!!  Instead of taking it slow, I followed my mind of want/desire and jumped right in.  I followed/bLIEved a romantic idea of  ‘falling in love in a moment’ when he played piano, I  made an instant assessment based on a romantic fantasy/idea!  I was not relaxed, genuine, taking it slow and being myself–instead I acted solely on feelings-as in want/desire.  I saw him as an idea of saving me from my unhappy marriage,  I made him fit an idea in my mind instead of communicating, taking my time to really get to know this person for real and him me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an alternate reality of a ‘happy’ relationship, within an imagination of a musician, who will be my ‘knight in shining armor’ and take me away from all that is negative in my life-save me, instead of giving this to myself as creating a life for myself that is safe, fulfilling, enjoyable.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of excitement, happiness, romance to this idea of a man who is a musician ‘taking me away’ and loving me forever and that this would magically fulfill me/solve all my problems and make me happy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect music/musician/musical instruments-guitar and piano, specifically a picture & an imagination of a man playing a guitar around a campfire, to an idea of love/romance/sex/happiness.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to put my faith/trust in an idea of romance/being saved instead of what is here as reality, my life/myself, to practically look/assess my own abilities/skills to see how to improve my life financially, so I can enjoy/ contribute/create independently and inter-dependently and not dependently.

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Day 359: Fearing Your Own Fear: Part 4: Facing the Fear that I Have Suppressed

Please refer to the previous posts beginning at:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1  

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so. Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable. Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD STRENGTH & SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear,here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anxiety building up as the day goes on, where I have thoughts about rushing/or catch myself rushing, ‘oh shit, I was rushing, oh no it going to trigger anxiety‘.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fear, and as fear think , ‘I am too weak, I will loose myself -my life-in my own thoughts’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, when the first hint of anxiety/fear comes to my mind-in the late afternoon/evening- then look for the thoughts instead : of breathing through them, continuing my dedication to focus on what is before me in the physical, and bringing my awareness back to my stability point (which for me is my solar plexes).

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and beLIEve my own backchat/voices in the mind, telling me, ‘no I can’t do it, I am too weak, oh no it’s happening again, I am going into anxiety and it could become extreme again! , freaking myself out/feeding into the fear energy making it worse/more difficult to stabilize with breath and body awareness.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to actually LOOK for the fear/react in self-doubt when I am stable instead of just trusting myself to stay here with breath and move throughout my day.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear process, meaning the quantum mind & quantum physical merging that is occurring in human beings now, and think, ‘well, I just suppressed this before with alcohol so now it will kill me’. Note: I am taking something for anxiety through my doctor, for a short period of time.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want a magic pill/answer for my own fear/anxiety-which has been created over time through: the mind wanting to survive/create energy any way it can to fuel it’s existence, my dna/generational download, my own history within this lifetime as I did not learn how to deal with emotions -except to suppress – using alcohol , obsessive relationships & for a period depending on a god/higher force to save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have established a stable grounded stability point within myself -wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind & emotions that arise- and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself.  Therefore, I will not continue anticipating and fearing the return of anxiety & and believing all such thoughts as ‘I am too weak to get through this.’  Realizing of course, this is a process, and as such will take time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that any thoughts about weakness or /and fear of loosing myself are not in alignment with who I know I really am as a being, which is self-value and self-appreciation, self-trust and someone who is building strength  – and that by me reacting within fear to these thoughts coming up about loosing myself or being too weak, is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life

When and as I see myself going into anxiety and fear I stop, I remind myself I am physical and ground myself by bring myself/awareness out of my mind and back down to reality. I now see/realize/understand that the mind of energy – emotions/thoughts-can and is producing a fear that is very unstable/all over the place & starts a vicious cycle of self-harm within me. I understand as I bring myself back to physical reality I calm/stabilize and so it is vital I remain out of mind throughout the day.

I commit myself to remain with the physical as the solution.

I commit myself to take a stand towards and in relation to my own thoughts where I state ‘No,this is unacceptable and a waste of my time, I do not harm me!’

Thus, I commit myself to stop all such self-doubt and continue focusing on building strength and self-trust through (besides the stated DIP tools of breath, self-forgiveness, commitment statements):

stopping what I am doing at the first sign of anxiety & support myself by doing a online guided meditation, stabilizing with breath and body, then continue my day in a slowed down state of movement/aware of body and moving with the physical vs. moving with energy. For me, at this time, this includes gentle in-breaths and taking longer with/on the out breath.

participating in physical activity/exercise in the evening and/or late afternoon instead of beginning a pattern of worry about going into anxiety-fearing my own fear, where I can be outside enjoying healthy fresh air, moving my physical body and continue to focus on breath awareness, where there is stability.

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Day 358: Fearing My Thoughts Moving Too Fast: Part 3: Playing Savior

Please refer to the previous posts:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1  and Part 2 for proper context to this blog. 

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so.  Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable.  Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I am afraid if I am spending time with my siblings/or another person, who has very fast energy about them-like an excitement energy in how they speak, how quickly they speak, how they move-theirenergy will transfer into me/change me and I will then speed up in my thoughts and movements and go into rushing again and loose control/become possessed by fear of my own mind again.’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and blame of another, abdicating my power and responsibility to direct my own mind, where I know it is up to me in each moment to remain here with breath, and not allow myself to fall into rushing/allowing thoughts to come one after another in an experience of rushing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to play savior, in relation to a family member, trying to show this person what I have learned over a 3 year period, in a few hours.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I MUST GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND/they must forgive the past (in relation to emotional/physical abuse from our childhood) so they do not get sick again’ when I have not cleared myself FIRST -by first standing as this person,meaning facing my own fear of illness/sickness/disease BEFORE I support/assist another .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can ‘save’ this person by telling them what to do and that I must do this quickly, thus allowing fear to direct me INTO AN EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING, where I react with anxiety and create a vicious cycle, as my thoughts speed up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘telling someone’ is enough, and to participate in the polarities of right/wrong where I react with fear in thinking I am ‘right’ and this person must see where they are going ‘wrong’– when there is no right and wrong in reality, these are but ideas of the mind, this person is walking their own process, I cannot force anyone to change, they will see things/change at their own pace, when they are ready.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I was allowing my thoughts to move too fast and then thinking it was important I speak each thought/share with them all this insight, which had the consequence of overwhelming both of us with too much information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have caused a massive headache, landing me on my back for 2-3 hours in order to stabilize with breath, as the result of trying to somehow force someone to change by bombarding them with information/playing savior for about 2 hours, thus harming myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breast cancer.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a possession of fear – as I am suppose to massage the area that formed a hematoma (from a previous biopsy: localized collection of blood outside the blood vessels) to support this area to heal – where I have begun to over-examine my breasts imagining every little thing is a lump/disease, when I know I have some fibrocystic breast tissue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear to the thought of future thermography tests and that by me reacting within fear is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear of breast disease, I stop, I breathe. I remind myself I am in the process of establishing a stable grounded stability point within myself, wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not allow myself to continue feeding into this fear/obsesssing my breasts. I realize the body, in itself is stable, it is as I allow the mind to create energy- particularly emotions of fear, doubt, anxiety- which eats away at the body, slowly creating dis-ease. A stable mind is a stable body.

Thus, I commit myself to stop all the daily examining of the entire breast but to continue massaging the area that requires the support only, and that I will follow up with annual thermography breast exams (also the suggested once/mo self breast exam) & I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by consuming a healthy diet, moderate exercise and remaining here with breath, as I walk throughout my day,

Day 357: Fearing My Thoughts Moving Too Fast: Part 2: Self-Harm

Please read the previous post:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

Note: If you are someone who is taking medication, continue to listen to your doctor and remain on your medication.

continuing:

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so.  Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable.  Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

Self-forgiveness in relation to thoughts speeding up/moving too fast and the word suicide

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed the word suicide to pop up in my mind, when I see my thoughts moving too fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘This is too much, I am not strong enough, I am small and weak.  I will not make it, looking at the truth of me is going to kill me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with embarrassment that I am exposing my weakness, and in that compare myself to others in process (Desteni I Process), who I am assume/perceive/believe to be moving ahead, building strength whereas I am falling backward/I am behind/I am weak/I am small.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will get sympathy for my troubles, like what I am experiencing in process is more difficult than what others are experiencing, and thus get special treatment/be ‘carried along’/ be ‘put up with’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts telling me to kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have established a stable grounded stability point within myself wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that any thoughts about killing myself are not in alignment with who I know I really am as a being which is self-value and self-appreciation – and that by me reacting within fear to these thoughts coming up about killing myself, is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life

Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself going into self doubt that I cannot stop my thoughts looping or coming too fast, I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself to bring my awareness back to the physical and ground myself here.  I realize by doing this I am creating strength and self-trust by slowing down and looking at things  in common sense. I understand that obsessing about my own mind/fearing my own fear is self-sabotage and I will never harm myself in reality. I realize that going into emotions of fear and telling myself/doubting I am strong enough to walk this process only wastes time in my day/is a useless distraction & causes physical changes as stress/anxiety in the body.  Thus, I commit myself to building self-trust and strength by remaining with breath as I walk through my day..

When and as I see myself fearing I will die/fearing the word suicide in my mind, considering even for a moment it is a solution, I stop and breathe. I realize I have faced many challenges in my life and have always walked through them, fearing this word is useless and a waste of time, as I value me/my life/all life. I understand I have my awareness of  who I  really am  and will not ever commit suicide and that any inclination towards ‘suicide’ is simply unacceptable. I state the living words, ‘This is unacceptable, I am a being who values life’ and in this statement  I build my strength.  Thus, I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by remaining here with breath as I walk throughout my day.

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