Day 67: If I Don’t Feel Guilty – WHY Does it Keep Coming Up?

Drop The Chains of the Past

In this post I am deconstructing my reaction of guilt about a decision I made a week ago, to let go of one of my clients. I have a small daycare in my home and I told the parent of one of the children, as of December 1st, I can no longer look after her child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘K is a difficult child. I can’t continue to look after her and it’s just too early in the morning when she arrives.’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become guilt and, as guilt, be plagued by the following thoughts, ‘I am a bad person/caregiver to give up on this child, her Mom is a single mom like I was and I am not supporting her, I’m just lazy and don’t like getting up early, she’s not that bad maybe I was exaggerating, perhaps I misinterpreted or judged her mother’s words to me incorrectly-I should have spoken up/clarified a few points with the Mom, my husband will not like it that I am earning less, that ‘s a lot of money I just gave up, now I have to replace the income and its’ not that easy.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am letting fear lead me/direct me, in the fear of survival as my income is reduced, fear of losing the financial support of my
partner/husband because he could leave me because I am not  efficient/capable contributor to the union,  fear I will get a bad reference from the parent of the child I am letting go, fear of being a ‘bad’ person/seen by others or a higher force as a
bad person and I would somehow have to ‘pay’ for being perceived in a negative way, like it would come back to haunt me, fear of not being liked by the mom and child and get a bad reputation/they would tell others I was a ‘bad ‘ caregiver.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when there are moving pictures in my mind, as my imagination/fantasies playing out, in this situation, imagining the mom gossiping about me /speaking badly of me to other parents, her and I arguing, my husband giving me the cold shoulder/bad vibes because we have less income, e-mailing the mom explaining further why I made the decision, imagine a re-play in my mind of when the mom spoke to me, saying her daughter thought I was favoring the other children and picking on her , in which I really tell her off/like it is and not all nice and diplomatic like I did it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there was a running dialogue going on in my mind as a voice in the head/inner conversation that I related to/was unaware of and accepted as myself, but is not me  as it comes automatically and is not self directed (like all of a sudden having music in your mind). This continual/constant ‘stream of consciousness’ is a program and I the programmer during the first 7 years of life (along with parents and inherited genes/dna as the memories of generations gone by). This conversation was full of spite/anger/fear driven by GUILT:  are you kidding me , your kid is a complete pain in the behind, it seems like I favor the others because she is always the one causing the trouble! I have given 110% to your child not the other way around, screw them I am so glad she is not coming anymore, typical the one you give more to, complains, I shouldn’t have given up on her, I really do love the little kid, oh god my husband won’t like this, how long until he starts giving me the cold shoulder ’cause I’m not earning enough, I wish I could just get a place on my own, I’m so trapped here with my husband, I wish we would move so I didn’t have to work, what if I don’t find someone to replace her, why do I always undo the stability I create/sabotage myself ? she (the mom) was all nice to me when I used to do extra babysitting for her, then when I said I can’t do extra she started showing another side and was critical of me, enough, I’m dumping them before they dump me, I should of trusted myself last summer when I thought I’d tell the Mom I can’t take her this year.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I reacted with the emotions of guilt, anger, fear, regret and sadness as these thoughts would swirl around in my mind and the feelings of love and affection for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how these emotions and feelings subsequently caused the following changes in my physical body of;  shortness of breath, tightness/constricting of my chest muscles, pain in upper back and shoulders, an overall feeling of unstability/weakness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of my thinking and the guilt that was causing me to go in circles in my mind-quite quickly over and over- as I doubted my decision; as I participate in my mind/imagination I am strengthening my mind and not the standing of myself as the directive principal of me -here! As well, as I participated in this wheel of guilt I got myself more and more in a state of fear -of the future- which is not even real and over exaggerated , I then speak out of turn to my husband when I am not clear but full of emotion and this causes friction between us, with the running in circles of fear & guilt- I needed to ‘justify’ my decision and so judged the mother and child in my mind, in separation of myself, and imagined them disliking/judging me, again strengthening the mind of separation by not speaking to real people in the physical to solve situation (battles in the mind-insane) or writing out a conflict I am experiencing (as I am now) to actually see on paper what is going on inside the battle ground of my mind and not torturing myself any longer and being stable within my decision or stable within some action I want to take.

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Day 52: Solution: Stressed Out by The Little Things: part 2

See Day 51 for context: Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop myself whenever the thought arise, ‘there are too many thoughts to get through’ as in process (DIP) (The 7 Year Journey To Life) and use the subsequent feeling, of overwhelmingness, as an excuse to postpone, as I now see/realize/understand to beLIEve this thought as true, as me, is false, as I am indeed only here, in the physical and can isolate this one thought, forgive it, and direct myself in the moment, with  breath, to carry out my task of writing, simply, no emotion required!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  be aware of the first thought, as ‘it’s too much’ so as to stop the emotion of fear arising, if I find I have gone into fear, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back down to earth, to reality and out of my mind of illusion, as I now see/realize/understand participating in this fear is what causes me to become stagnant and frozen, doomed to repeat the past of living from the starting point of reaction instead of becoming an effective living being here, who can  give, communicate, support and assist others so we may together put an end the abuse on earth by standing up for equality.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating in the lie, ‘there is not enough time’ as I now see/realize/understand it was always me, in following and then accepting this lie to exist within and as me, who believed it and engaged in wasting time by going into backchat about –list making–all the little chores that need to be done INSTEAD of moving/directing myself TO DO THEM without energy, but by engaging in the energy reactions of emotions and then the subsequent behavioral changes in my body of:  tension, aches and pains in the muscle tissue, anxiety and the tightening of my chest and stomach, shortness of breath, I would get tired very quickly and PROVE to myself , ‘ See, I am exhausted, I need to rest, I knew there wasn’t enough time’. It is no longer acceptable to me to follow such patterns, as I simply require to move, with breath, out of my mind and breathe through any thoughts that come up/arise AS THEY COME UP and everything gets done, with time to spare!

I commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to lye in bed when I first wake up/the alarm goes off but to immediately rise and meet my day with one breath, as I now see /realize/understand that the mind re-boots itself, as it is the computer of all my past, imbedded in my very flesh, and I do not require pictures/memories/thoughts/emotions/imaginings/fantasies using the construct of time (past, present, future) to be an effective human being, but I do require breath, in each here moment, to keep this unconditional gift of the human physical body, to effectively direct myself, as what is best for all life, in all ways.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application to be aware, to be here, each morning when I am busy with the kids (children I have in my daycare) and not get lost in my mind, when I find I have gone past the first thought and am now into backchat/inner conversation, which is bringing up one picture after another in my head, and when I then find the tension/anxiety -emotion- is building- I commit TO STOP myself and breathe, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day when I am lost in my mind of pictures/images and not here, to be fully available to the children, what they are doing/saying, I cannot truly hear them/assist them/interact with them if I am busy in my mind and this is no longer acceptable to me, as it stems from self-interest and fear only.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  stop all such inner self-talk as backchat during my day, especially first thing in the morning when the children arrive and my husband is around, as I now see/realize/understand it does not change anything but in fact harms my physicality by creating and then using energy, within the emotions it creates, to consume the flesh. In that, I now understand the mind is indeed a consumption machine, round and round it goes, constantly and continuously -as within so without- just as I have become a consumer in society/within the world systems, unaware of the harm I am doing by buying endless shit I do not need but have become dependent upon/addicted to, blissfully unaware of the plastic garbage islands/waste in our oceans, that is amassing daily and destroying the plant and animal kingdoms, in my destructive path. From the greater to the small, it starts here, with me standing absolute, with a still mind, moving within my day, being here for my job, the children in my daycare, and fulfilling my other daily responsibilities in stability, with no mind movement. As this is a process, I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself and carry on with the task at hand.

I commit myself, whenever I find I have gone into emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, blame, judgement of myself and others, resulting from participating in backchat/self-talk throughout my day, to stop and breathe, to stabilize myself as I bring myself out of my mind and feel my feet firmly planted on the ground-physical, as I now see/realize/understand how engaging in these emotions/feelings takes me away from the reality of what is here in my life and into some illusionary drama that does not exist and makes it impossible for me to effectively direct myself, as a responsible daycare provider, wife, mother, daughter and human being.  I now see that such behavior is not life but a useless, programmed, robot destined to only repeat the past as patterns of postponement, self-interest, confusion, failure and so unable to contribute anything of value to my world, but to crawl in fear toward old age and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself when I find I am experiencing physical bodily changes brought on from the emotions/feelings I have allowed unaware, by saying ‘No, not participating‘ and using breath to stabilize myself, out of the mind of illusion and self-interest, back down to earth and then to breathe, in absolute stability, until the aches and pains disappear, my muscles relax, my throat relaxes, the nauseous feeling goes away, as I now see/realize/understand it was my participation in the whole process of thought-backchat-fear-emotions that created the discomfort in the first place and this is not necessary or productive, in any way, but was brought upon by my being unaware of my reality/lost in my mind. As well, these bodily reactions will result in the consumption/decay of the flesh and this is no longer acceptable to me.