DAY 373: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 7: WILLS-INHERITANCE 3

marriage fightsHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in memories/manipulate myself by bringing up the memory of A saying, ‘why do you want my parents money so bad?’ where I am connecting the emotional responses of judgement, anger, hate, greed and fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize and manipulate myself by falling into fantasies/imaginations of leaving A and having my own apartment, where I am experiencing myself as superior to A and connect an emotional response of giving up, anger, when the truth of me is that I am suppressing my own fear, anxiety and nervousness of the poverty, isolation and active alcoholism I experienced in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then fall into the bullying character, where I judge myself as wrong/guilty for having such thoughts and for having judged A so harshly and and then I participate in justifications for having done so, creating anidea about A, where I calm down and look at reality and tell myself he is not a bad guy after all and I do not want financial insecurity again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a point of suspicion as assumption, based on past memories and based on a projection and opinion that A is not being completely honest with me and in some future moment he will go back on hisword, that we are a family one and equal, and where I am experiencing myself as superior within anger,-judging A as untrustworthy, lacking integrity- creating a nervousness, tension and anxiety within my physical body.

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DAY 372: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 7: WILLS-INHERITANCE 2

inheritance 3Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a manipulation, trying to manipulate A by telling him my definition of ‘family’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have a desire/want/need existent within me to want A to agree with me, as doing so will validate me/my expression/definition and give me a good feeling of beingright/good/and superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to A with anger, where I am suppressing my inner experience of fear, nervousness, anxiety in relation to him asking me, ‘why do you want my parents money so badly?’ where this is bring up negativeenergy around family conflict and money/poverty issues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become superiority, where I am connecting emotional reactions of anger, hate, blame, and judgement in relation to A’s reaction (statement, ‘why do you want my parents money so badly?’) to my definition of family.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that creating/participating in  these energies, which I have given a negative charge, I am manipulating my body into tension creating more stress, building anxiety, creating muscles aches & pains, causing digestion problems and stiffening my facial muscles which over time creates wrinkles and causes headaches.

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Day 371: Blaming my Partner for my own Reactions: part 7: WILLS-INHERITANCE

inheritance 3inheritance 2Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself within a perception, where I am reacting with blame, overwhemingness and helplessness toward A. in relation to money/inheritance and all the information with various options around this topic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become superiority, where I am connecting emotional reactions of anger, blame, giving up and self-sabotage & I am participating in the polarity playout in which I see/experience myself as ‘right’/righteous and him as ‘wrong’/evil.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am holding onto a memory, relating this here moment to the past when my first marriage split and I was left poor and had two young children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react, where I am assuming the worst, within suspicions, anger, blame, judgement, superiority & self-sabotage by accusing A instead of speaking from the starting point of stability and equality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how my extreme reactions only cause harm to me, my body and to A, as it results in the opposite of what I say I want; a truly loving , respectful , trustworthy family unit-with our three children and within our partnership.

In this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am to some degree setting myself up for failure, within a utopian idea of the perfect family, blended or not, & A may be lying but judging him in this moment is not supportive to me/him/the situation, rather to communicate and uncover/understand where he is/was coming from & why he said what he said, or just be understanding that he does not want to admit it because he may be embarrassed or ashamed.
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DAY 369: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 5 – JEALOUSY 2

jealous wife 3Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto A that it is impressive to be an intellectual, where I am connecting the emotional reactions of blame, judgement and hate.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created personality, as a Destonian, that has at it’s foundation a belief/interpretation that it is wrong/elitist to be intellectual, giving it a negative charge, where I see myself/experience myself as right and superior because I know what is valuable/important, as in what is best for all, and people who are intellectual do not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/experience myself as superior to A, while in the same moment, accusing him of believing he is superior, coming from the starting point of my own ego, where I desire to see myself as ‘better’ than him and where I am blaming him because of the polarized truth of me, that I am feeling insecure in the moment while he speaks of another woman whom he admires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into an experience of superiority, where I am comparing A to myself, seeing myself as someone who is compassionate and kind and seeing him as stupid because he doesn’t understand what is important inlife.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am coming from the polarized starting point of insecurity not strength, where I project onto A my suspicious nature, that people-specifically men who I am in a relationship with- are not trustworthy.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that here I am not standing as an example of life as A can easily see my own inferiority and fear coming out as insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself/my body/my being into a false sense of power/superiority and where I relax my body for a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become self-sabotage, where I am projecting onto A my own secret mind/internal experience of superiority – suppressing the truth of me which is insecurity- where I am connecting the emotional reactions ofanger, blame, jealousy and comparison.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in a quantum moment I have pictures popping up in my mind of a wedding, my own apartment, this woman and A golfing and laughing/enjoying each others company, essentially shooting myself in the foot, doing/behaving the opposite of what I want, in separation of A and this woman within inequality, the opposite of being here as life, and simply enjoying dinnertime hearing A share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become the bullying character, where I react with guilt for having judge A. and where I swing from superiority to an experience of inferiority, attaching the emotional responses of insecurity and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is a learned response from childhood, as I have pictures of my mom arise in my mind, where I saw her pull back when my dad got really angry and she became submissive and quiet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bully myself by participating in justifications, trying to convince myself that going into insecurity will make my life and future secure, thus if I become silent/act submissive I will allow A to keep his intellectualism and male pride and not be a nagging wife, who is demanding he change.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am connecting the reactions/emotions of fear and powerlessness, helplessness, inferiority, suppression, protection and defence to the bullying character, believing/perceiving that submissiveness equal safety and security.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that- in that moment- I am limiting my true expression as life-where I could simply be self-honest in each moment with another and with myself-instead of planning and scheming within my own secret mind, how to supposedly protect myself within a submissiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created within me a self-belief & a self-definition that I must be a ‘nice & pleasant wife’ in order to have security in my marriage/partnership with A.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating within emotional reactions of suppression, suspicion, self-doubt, self-judgement, self-blame, powerlessness, helplessness, and protection and defensiveness within playing a role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am only willing to play the role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’ from the starting point of self-interest, within the self-created belief that ‘nice, pleasant wife’ does not get abandoned and left penniless, like I was last time I was married.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am comparing my first marriage with my marriage to A.

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DAY 368: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 4 – Jealousy

jealous wife 2jealous wifeHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and another in my mind, where I experience myself as inferiorconnecting the reactions of anger, hate, jealousy, insecurity, blame, and judgement in relation to A.’s remarks about another woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself by comparing myself to another woman within competing against her in my mind, like it is a contest and the winner will get A’s love/respect.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this woman in inequality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating in the mind consciousness system’s polarity programming of right and wrong, winner and loser, love and hate, up and down and following these energycycles/patterns as I limit myself and another in my mind & where I compromise my mind, body and being within these limitations, making myself and another characters in a story instead of life here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a state of delusion/experience where I participate in and believe all sorts of nasty backchat in my mind, instead of simply listening/hearing A sharing about another beings qualities/talents/skills and enjoyhis company during dinner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am manipulating myself and my body as I participate in these reactions, allowing the muscles to stiffen/tense thus become achy, my face to scrunch up and my breathing to become shallow.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have become the manifestation of judgement and as judgement connect the emotional reactions of blame, suspicion, anger where I am holding onto perceptions and opinions of people/situations, specifically in this situation projecting my own snobbishness onto A.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am experiencing myself as superior in that moment, suppressing the truth of me that at the core I hold onto a polarized self-belief that I am in fact inferior, in comparison to this woman (& others who I perceive to be ‘well read’ or having a better education/grasp on world &/or local issues or others who I consider ‘well spoken’), because she earns a high income and is athletic/a very good golfer so she can spend time with A in a way that he enjoys and this threatens me.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of: ‘I am not good at public speaking, I am not competent to understand, learn and relate important issues, I am average at best so better for others to do it.’  As well, ‘I am not well read, I do not understand politics or economics or mathematics’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by allowing this comparison I am victimizing myself by participating in my imagination of A getting to know her on the golf course, putting myself in some future moment where he is thinking she is awesome and I am not awesome but average, thereby me not being comfortable in my own skin and just being me, genuine in the moment with A at dinner but instead allowing myself to become defensive, taking it personally as A spoke of this woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of:  ‘I am not awesome, I am average thus any partner I have will get bored of me eventually and abandon me’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am putting/placing a huge amount of stress/pressure on my body & being by separating myself from myself in that moment, not standing as life, realizing that it islife itself-which I am in the process of becoming-that is awesome just being here.

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DAY 370: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 6: Money

inhertinace

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when A said he wants to keep his money and my money (that we inherit) separate, where I am victimizing myself within a self-sabotage by going into nervousness, anxiety, worry, fear, ego & where I am putting myself forward, in some imagined future moment, within a paranoia that he is against me, L, and M (my children) and protecting only him and N (his daughter).

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I was rushing my thoughts, following down a raging river (or lightening bolts of energy) instead of realizing this was one of the first conversations we had- about inheritance -and these issues can be difficult to discuss & I could simply listen/hear him and then calmly share my thoughts/ideas/concerns, like a flowing stream.

inheritance 3I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then fall into a reaction of self-doubt, self-blame and self-judgement, where I am connecting further emotional reactions of powerlessness and helplessness, confused as to my reaction to A instead of being kind and patient to me and slowly looking at the point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in my rushing I am manipulating my body, going into tension and tightness, causing an uncomfortability, which further exasperates the mind of fear, creating more thoughts and thought patterns.

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Day 367: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 3 -Ego & Appearance

fuzzy hairHere I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ego, and as ego react to my appearance within self-judgement, nervousness, fear, and self-victimization.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am giving my hair and appearance a negative charge stirring up energies of a helplessness, which harms my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become inferiority, where I connect the reactions of self-judgement and ego because my hair is frizzy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief within and as me, that I need to ‘look pretty’ for the man in my life because it gives me value.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is life itself, and myself as life, that has value and life requires nothing for this to be true.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my appearance to that of other women, where I am participating in the mind‘s design of competition.
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and insecurity based on my perception of how A will react to seeing/meeting other women at work each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump to the worst possible scenario/think the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fall into inferiority, where I am victimizing myself by projecting onto A my own reactions of fear, insecurity, helplessness to not looking a certain way when he comes home.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is a specific/certain way to look to be pretty/sexy/desirable instead of simply being clean, neat, and comfortable with /as myself here.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to cause physical changes resulting in pains and stomach issues and lines on my face/forehead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the design of inferiority, where I connect the emotional reactions of fear, nervousness, and insecurity in relation to A coming home and me not wearing any make-up.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created an idea in my mind and thought patterns where I am giving wearing make-up a positive charge and connecting the words pretty, beautiful, & giving me not wearing make-up a negative charge, while connecting the words old, ugly, plain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my beliefs about beauty/female appearance onto A, where I go into superiority, jumping from the polarity of feeling inferior so to avoid looking deeper at the truth of me, and where I connect thereactions of blame and anger.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by jumping within extreme thinking /polarities of inferior to superior by following visions/imaginings of leaving A and getting my own apartment, thus running away /hiding from the opposite sex, as a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and my body into a relaxed state at the thought of running away/isolating myself instead of facing myself and sharing myself with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then swing into the bullying character, where I react with guilt after I have judged another, instead of simply slowing down and looking at reality, that A does his best to be supportive and loving in all aspects of our partnership.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into self-judgement and self-blame around this issue of make-up and A.

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Day 365: Blaming my Partner for my own Reactions – Money Issues

angry wifeHere I am sharing self-forgiveness that I have started in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) around the relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to A’s reaction of frustration, in relation to using the credit card, where I fall into beliefs, perceptions and assumptions that he is criticizing me in someway and I need to defend myself, like I need to convince myself I am innocent of whatever it is he is accusing me of.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project this idea onto A, that I am the cause of his voice sounding stressed/frustrated/angy, and so I am guilty of doing something ‘bad’ ‘wrong’.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind‘s polarity/idea of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ instead of looking at A’s reaction in reality/common sense in the moment, like ‘ok A is reacting, I remind myself to not take this on and how can I be supportive in this moment /clarify the situation.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself react with anger, defensiveness and blame in relation to A’s reaction around pre-paying the credit card before I use it, where I am suppressing my own guilt that I have to use his card because I have bad credit & I am then projecting it onto A.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself react with anger and superiority like, ‘how dare he suggest I am ungrateful’ because I am asked to pre-pay the card but I use it easily when I don’t have to pre-pay it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see /realize/understand how I am manipulating myself into a physical reaction of stress/anxiety where my body stiffens and that I am suppressing the truth of me, that I feel guilty/bad that I do not have my own credit card.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt, self-judgement, self-blame, fear, & insecurity, where I swing to the polarized reaction of inferiority when I looked at point later and saw that I brought this situation on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea exist within and as me that A will be pleased if I take care of paying myself, without using the credit card, projecting this idea onto A.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, self-doubt, frustration, nervousness, and tension to A saying we could have received alot of airmiles if I had used the card.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into automation/quantum reactions of energy, where I believe the thought/reaction-which is based on the past– to be real, instead of remaining stable here and remembering my body and breath.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a physical reaction of tensing my shoulder muscles & my jaw, and holding my breath when I feel threatened or something surprises me/pops out of nowhere.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up the emotions of anger and blame when A came home, as I was communicating to him my confusion about the text he sent me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame toward A. that I paid cash for my purchase instead of receiving airmiles points by using the card because he did not explain his reasoning to me clearly.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame as an excuse for my own reactions of anger and then guilt, when I realize it is my responsibility, in each moment, to direct my inner and outer world.

To continue

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Day 358: Fearing My Thoughts Moving Too Fast: Part 3: Playing Savior

WORRYPlease refer to the previous posts:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1  and Part 2 for proper context to this blog. 

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so.  Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable.  Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I am afraid if I am spending time with my siblings/or another person, who has very fast energy about them-like an excitement energy in how they speak, how quickly they speak, how they move-theirenergy will transfer into me/change me and I will then speed up in my thoughts and movements and go into rushing again and loose control/become possessed by fear of my own mind again.’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and blame of another, abdicating my power and responsibility to direct my own mind, where I know it is up to me in each moment to remain here with breath, and not allow myself to fall into rushing/allowing thoughts to come one after another in an experience of rushing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to play savior, in relation to a family member, trying to show this person what I have learned over a 3 year period, in a few hours.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I MUST GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND/they must forgive the past (in relation to emotional/physical abuse from our childhood) so they do not get sick again’ when I have not cleared myself FIRST -by first standing as this person,meaning facing my own fear of illness/sickness/disease BEFORE I support/assist another .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can ‘save’ this person by telling them what to do and that I must do this quickly, thus allowing fear to direct me INTO AN EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING, where I react with anxiety and create a vicious cycle, as my thoughts speed up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘telling someone’ is enough, and to participate in the polarities of right/wrong where I react with fear in thinking I am ‘right’ and this person must see where they are going ‘wrong’– when there is no right and wrong in reality, these are but ideas of the mind, this person is walking their own process, I cannot force anyone to change, they will see things/change at their own pace, when they are ready.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I was allowing my thoughts to move too fast and then thinking it was important I speak each thought/share with them all this insight, which had the consequence of overwhelming both of us with too much information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have caused a massive headache, landing me on my back for 2-3 hours in order to stabilize with breath, as the result of trying to somehow force someone to change by bombarding them with information/playing savior for about 2 hours, thus harming myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breast cancer.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a possession of fear – as I am suppose to massage the area that formed a hematoma (from a previous biopsy: localized collection of blood outside the blood vessels) to support this area to heal – where I have begun to over-examine my breasts imagining every little thing is a lump/disease, when I know I have some fibrocystic breast tissue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear to the thought of future thermography tests and that by me reacting within fear is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear of breast disease, I stop, I breathe. I remind myself I am in the process of establishing a stable grounded stability point within myself, wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not allow myself to continue feeding into this fear/obsesssing my breasts. I realize the body, in itself is stable, it is as I allow the mind to create energy- particularly emotions of fear, doubt, anxiety- which eats away at the body, slowly creating dis-ease. A stable mind is a stable body.

Thus, I commit myself to stop all the daily examining of the entire breast but to continue massaging the area that requires the support only, and that I will follow up with annual thermography breast exams (also the suggested once/mo self breast exam) & I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by consuming a healthy diet, moderate exercise and remaining here with breath, as I walk throughout my day,