Day 358: Fearing My Thoughts Moving Too Fast: Part 3: Playing Savior

WORRYPlease refer to the previous posts:  Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1  and Part 2 for proper context to this blog. 

To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so.  Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable.  Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I am afraid if I am spending time with my siblings/or another person, who has very fast energy about them-like an excitement energy in how they speak, how quickly they speak, how they move-theirenergy will transfer into me/change me and I will then speed up in my thoughts and movements and go into rushing again and loose control/become possessed by fear of my own mind again.’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and blame of another, abdicating my power and responsibility to direct my own mind, where I know it is up to me in each moment to remain here with breath, and not allow myself to fall into rushing/allowing thoughts to come one after another in an experience of rushing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to play savior, in relation to a family member, trying to show this person what I have learned over a 3 year period, in a few hours.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I MUST GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND/they must forgive the past (in relation to emotional/physical abuse from our childhood) so they do not get sick again’ when I have not cleared myself FIRST -by first standing as this person,meaning facing my own fear of illness/sickness/disease BEFORE I support/assist another .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can ‘save’ this person by telling them what to do and that I must do this quickly, thus allowing fear to direct me INTO AN EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING, where I react with anxiety and create a vicious cycle, as my thoughts speed up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘telling someone’ is enough, and to participate in the polarities of right/wrong where I react with fear in thinking I am ‘right’ and this person must see where they are going ‘wrong’– when there is no right and wrong in reality, these are but ideas of the mind, this person is walking their own process, I cannot force anyone to change, they will see things/change at their own pace, when they are ready.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I was allowing my thoughts to move too fast and then thinking it was important I speak each thought/share with them all this insight, which had the consequence of overwhelming both of us with too much information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have caused a massive headache, landing me on my back for 2-3 hours in order to stabilize with breath, as the result of trying to somehow force someone to change by bombarding them with information/playing savior for about 2 hours, thus harming myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breast cancer.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a possession of fear – as I am suppose to massage the area that formed a hematoma (from a previous biopsy: localized collection of blood outside the blood vessels) to support this area to heal – where I have begun to over-examine my breasts imagining every little thing is a lump/disease, when I know I have some fibrocystic breast tissue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear to the thought of future thermography tests and that by me reacting within fear is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear of breast disease, I stop, I breathe. I remind myself I am in the process of establishing a stable grounded stability point within myself, wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not allow myself to continue feeding into this fear/obsesssing my breasts. I realize the body, in itself is stable, it is as I allow the mind to create energy- particularly emotions of fear, doubt, anxiety- which eats away at the body, slowly creating dis-ease. A stable mind is a stable body.

Thus, I commit myself to stop all the daily examining of the entire breast but to continue massaging the area that requires the support only, and that I will follow up with annual thermography breast exams (also the suggested once/mo self breast exam) & I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by consuming a healthy diet, moderate exercise and remaining here with breath, as I walk throughout my day,

Day 350: Fear of Conflict: Reacting to my Mom 2

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I am continuing looking at some memories of my mom (she passed on 2 years ago). As she aged, she would often ask her children to assist her with different chores/tasks and sometimes she would be difficult/controlling, in relation to how we performed them lol. Firstly, I would see myself as superior to her and react with anger,blame, and judgement. Then I would swing into reactions of inferiority as self-doubt, guilt and self-judgement – within the role of dutiful daughter. In conflictual situations, specifically herefamily situations, I can see I am fearful of my own incompetency, within performing certain tasks and my ability to communicate, so I do not speak up in self-honestly/I remain silent. I give the communication a negative charge, as in defining it as a confrontation/argument/fighting. Often, I go into judgement, fear and/or superiority when others do speak up, like ‘I’m not getting into this, they can if they want but I am better/above that kind of behavior/fighting nonsense!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my mom as difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge my mom for how I am experiencing myself, within hanging thepicture, thinking it is because she is difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt and then go into reactions of guilt and self-judgement, in and around this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of judgement/blame and then guilt within standing up/speaking up to my mom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me wherein I go into an experience of guilt and then fear, for speaking up/communicating within family conflict situations because I believe I have ‘hurt my mom’s/another’s feelings and thus made things worse’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when I am struggling within a task and then project this onto another within blame and/or anger. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I think the other will see me as less than/inferior and then I will have to look at this myself/face my own self-belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear that I am less then/inferior to the task that I am facing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern of fear when thinking about speaking up about a situation with a family member. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to givecommunication/speaking with a family member a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom/a family member is angry with me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and fear when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear and anger when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within judgement and superiority when another/family member is speaking up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of superiority and judgement when a family member is speaking in a confrontational tone.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into patterns of fearing family conflict/conflict whereby, instead of speaking-up in the moment self-honestly, I rather internalize reactions of blame and anger, toward another/my mother, then swing into the bullying character where I experience myself as guilty, so to avoid/not have to face the starting point of blaming another, I stop and breathe. I realize once I slow down and remain in the physical it releases the fear as I am assessing the situation just in the moment/physical with a starting point of solutions. I remind myself to not take anything personally but to take responsibility for an outcome that will be best for all involved, then all is simplified and because I am calm I can see a solution with much more clarity and I can move/do/act much more competently to, as in this case fix/repair something for another. Thus I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions of blame and anger and to focus on solutions when assisting another.

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Day 339: Reactions of Superiority 3: Living the Solution

superiority 2For proper context to this post, please read Reactions of Superiority: PART 1

From Part 1:  It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.

Living Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself participating in judgement while listening to another share their story at an AA meeting, with thoughts as backchat/internal conversations I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to get out of my mind and ground myself in reality here. I realize I cannot trust my reactions, as they are merely energies mostly based on the past as memories. Memories which I have stored/altered/changed the content of over time.  I also realize my inner gossip is based on my own interpretations/perceptions/assumptions, instead of actually getting to know this person in space and time.  I remind myself to slow down, HEAR the words they are sharing to assist and support me/others, and to practice real time patience, understanding, gratitude for the courage they are showing, by speaking in front of a large group of people.

When and as I see myself existing within and participating within an experience of superiority, where I connect the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement, spite, and comparison & engage in pictures/imaginations all based on past memories-how I have programmed myself-I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to get my head out of the clouds and back down to earth and focus on the words she is speaking, to- not only listen- but hear her. I understand she is from another part of the city, it was a cold, snowy night and she may have traveled by public transit, yet she came after a week of working, it is difficult/intimidating to speak in front of a group of strangers. I also realize it is to not judge another but to understand another that is important. Thus, when I see my mind start to chatter at a AA meeting, I commit myself to whisper or voice silently in my head ‘slow down’ and/or ‘calm’ and to focus on the speaker and my own breath, using patience, kindness, humility, treating another as I would want to be treated- if it was me up there sharing my story.

superiorityWhen and as I see myself suppress an initial reaction of sadness, coming from the starting point of FEAR, as I experienced myself as inferior to the situation because I am helpless to change it/remove a person’s pain I stop, I breathe. I realize by going into emotions and then suppressing those emotions, it does not change the facts of what this woman had to endure, so it is useless and it is harmful to my physical body.  I also see that  this woman is sober today and she has greatly improved her life, as in her living conditions, physical and emotional state and financial state, she has the support of the group (AA) today and is showing much courage, strength and humility by sharing her story. Thus, I commit myself to stay out of my mind and be aware of myself/body/breath when listening to a speaker at AA meetings.

When and as I see my mind jumping, within the polarities of inferior-as a helplessness/sadness of what another has had to endure in life- to superior-through the illusion of control, manifested as the false positive energetic experience of anger I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is real before me/what is going on in the physical. I realize it is not the individual I am angry at but the world systems. Thus, I commit myself to changing this reality/world as how it currently exists within entrapping the disadvantaged, by limiting their opportunities for enhancing/bettering their lives because they do not have money, this I do by promoting a LIG (Living Income Guarantee).

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DAY 338: Changing Myself in Moments: Reactions of Superiority 2

superiority 3For proper context to this post, please read Reactions of Superiority: PART 1

From Part 1:  It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgement and as judgement think, ‘Wtf, why does she keep making the same mistake over and over again!?’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself believe my own vicious backchat-as internal gossip, ‘…separating you from others in your own Mind with believing your own perceptions, interpretations and assumptions more than actually getting to know a person.‘ with thoughts like, stupid woman, what an idiot, doesn’t she learn, how dare she loose her children just so she could drink/use, how selfish, I wasn’t that bad, I did not loose my children, I raised my children!’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself experience myself as superior to the speaker at the AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous), where I connect the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement, spite, andcomparison & engage in pictures/imaginations and memories, all from the starting point of my own the past, in relations to what this woman was sharing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the initial reaction of sadness/pain/ coming from the starting point of FEAR, as I experienced myself as inferior to the situation/hearing this woman’s tragic account of her life, like I couldn’t change it /control it, I was cringing in my seat, I made faces like ‘oh god, when is this torture over?’ sighing and squirming in my seat, but as I looked around for ‘support’ lol to catch another’s eye I could see everyone was sitting/listening quietly, respectfully, patiently…(I realize inside some could have felt as I did).

Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that because I did not enjoy this sad, fearful experience, which was really just how my mind was interpreting reality in that moment, my mind wanted to go to a positiveexperience, as in not wanting to feel so down/blue/heavy so I allowed my mind to jump to the positive energetic experience, within a false sense of empowerment, AS ANGER.

To continue

 

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Day 328: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Self-Awareness

awarenessthoughtHere I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness:  To be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others.

*I am seeing that I am able to question my self-honestly within points that I look at daily, more often anyway as it is a process, and I’m very surprised at how much I suppress/lie to myself lol.  I then remind myself, within my self-forgiveness, to  ‘come out with it’/get to the point/be straight forward to myself. I am aware that, when I do this any physical discomfort I was experiencing diminishes much more quickly.

*I am aware of self-doubt, self-sabotage thoughts that come up, as they are coming up versus sometime later looking at it.  Most recently I saw thoughts with emotional reactions of doubt, suspicion, judgement, blame around my Desteni process, where I really do not want to write or work on my timelines (Desteni I Process Pro) inline with the agreement I have committed to, so instead question/doubt the validity of the group.  Here, I am faster back to physical –see this deception in my mind as my own pre-programming, living a life where I often have start something excited but then sabotage myself by giving up/quitting and thus remain isolated and stuck in the past.

*I am-more often- able to allow another to talk and be really here/present with them, able to not just listen but hear them, using patience, consideration and kindness, ie hyper owner gift shop, was aware of her need to express herself in that moment, I saw my judgement as it came up, ‘OMG she’s so hyper, does she think I’m stupid, I get it’  and made a decision in that moment to allow her time to get it all out, as she was very anxious/concerned about something and then I saw her in different light, not ‘against me’/lying to me kind of thing but really sincere in trying to assist me to get best value for my money.  As well, I asked myself how would I want someone to treat her if she were my daughter (mother/friend/whatever) and I was able to live the answer into action and stay with my breath.

*I am more aware of my body and not overwhelming myself/going into anxiety about responsibilities whether it be process or heath, telling myself/reminding myself I can only do things one breath at a time and to stay with 4 count breath- in 4 counts/hold 4 counts/out 4 counts/hold 4 counts.  I also find it supportive to not put myself forward in time and frighten myself as in , ‘OMG I’m suppose to live like this, you gotta be kidding’ but just focus on 1 breath, the breath I am taking now.   This is very practical, as I did this when I quit drinking alcohol, just focused on 1 day/24 hours not looking at a lifetime and freaking myself out, lol.  

 

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Day 321: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Self-Awareness

 awareness
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Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well.

So how am I living this/experiencing it?

* By slowing down.   Slowing down assists me to be aware of my physical body.  I can see/am realizing how I effect and harm my physical body throughout the day.  I see how it stiffens thus building and  then causes aches/pains in my muscles/joints and anxiety in my solar plexes and stomach areas causing nausea and digestive problems.

* By being more aware of the first ‘pixel’ picture coming up in my mind, usually as an image/picture or a word, and then stopping at that point versus following that first pixel.  This results in my being able to stay slowed down so I can respond/move in effectiveness/as the directive principal of me versus as a mind consciousness system, which is controlling my every thought/word and deed.  I can see I am doing this increasingly in my interactions with my partner/husband and so stopping reactions, yet allowing myself to express a point we are discussing in the moment.

* By examining my relationship with my daughter (I will also do so with my son in some future moment).  I can see  that, within that relationship, I often fall into imagination , seeing us sharing time together doing things I/we enjoy.  This sounds harmless however, when it is not a ‘looking’ –  which is me deciding in a moment to plan/investigate a point – it is just thoughts based on memories that simply ‘pop up’ in my mind, which can keep us both in limiting roles, in a box so to speak.  I now realize/understand (through walking a process within  DIP Pro/Eqafe Interviews) that I do this in self-interest because she represents something that I do not give to myself–time to enjoy shopping without rushing, buying her something and never myself, creating with food/crafts and trying out new things, being in a role of assisting and supporting, planning family events, etc.  However, as I participate in these imaginations it brings up feeling reactions of excitement, love, hope, anticipation, which build and build when we are apart (she is 25/lives few hours from me) lots of positive energy.  When there is the rise , there is the fall, high, low, excitement, depression…

Interestingly, I can see how this comes out as a fear, as the polarized  negative energy,  that I could lose her/this experience one day.  I can also see how imagination gets me into the habit on conjuring up an idea of our relationship instead of expressing my true being/self self-honestly in the moment, so our relationship is less authentic.  Thus, I have made a commitment to stop feeding into this pattern of imagination around my daughter and thus eliminate/reduce the fear that follows.  I will also do this by practicing giving these things, that I enjoy and project onto my daughter, to myself!  Does this take away from real time with my daughter?  Of course not, it actually makes it more enjoyable because I no longer limit our interactions to superficial imaginings and stops any expectations of the future with an energy attachment, where I can become disappointed if reality does not turn out as I had ‘imagined it’ lol.  Meaning, I don’t make our time together ‘more than it is’ by putting pressure /expectations upon it.

As well, I find there are times where I try to ‘buy’ my children’s love/time/attention by promise or talk about something, within an excitement/positive energy, and then I speak too fast.  This is done within self-interest (also to support/assist but there are elements of :  they will love me/respect me more if I do this, they could help/assist me in the future if I do this and I may need them).  I did this often, when my children were young and I was drinking and most often did not follow through with what I was ‘offering’.   I still find myself doing it today and I am becoming aware of it and commit myself to slowing down so I do not suggest something  that in reality I am not comfortable with or where I over-commit what I would be willing and able to provide.  Again, this does not mean I will not support them/plan a vacation with them/purchase something they need but that I slow down and consider all involved before I act/speak as it effects their lives equally.  In so doing they and I can trust my word.

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Day 315: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Self-Responsibility

responsibility responsibility 2Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

Principle #5:  Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

How am I living this principle throughout each day?

*  Physical Stability:

I am seeing how, in my process, I am building up emotional and feeling energies and reacting to them on a physical level, much faster! Meaning, I am going into anxiety much faster and so reacting with behavioral/physical changes such as: feeling very nauseous, loosing my appetite, feeling physically very tired, body aches, tightness in my solar plexes and throat, tightening of my jaw and jaw/teeth aching, shortness of breath–overall feeling unwell. Yesterday this happened and the consequence was my husband and I had to cancel going out for the evening. Another consequence is that as this is happening I am able to focus less on what I am doing/facing/who I am with thus I am not really/fully present thus I compromise myself by becoming less effective in supporting myself and/or another. I realize this is happening when/as I participate in thoughts and reactions about time, as in ‘there is not enough time for me to do all the tasks I need to do today, hurry!’ and then I move within energy versus stabilityawareness.  I can see this happens when I sit at my computer,  when I work around the house doing chores and even when I am watching a show/video. Therefore, beginning last night, I made the self-commitment to be acutely more aware of what my body is experiencing, what is moving within me from moment to moment!  Even though I have become  more aware of my mind in the last 3 years, my thoughts/emotions, I require even more diligence so that I am aware of any movement within my body as it occurs (this is a process). When/as I see I am starting to tense up/go into anxiety about my day, I stop and breathe and slow down/calm down/stabilize myself before continuing on with the task at hand.

* Reaction of Anger Toward Another:

I reacted in anger and spite to something someone said and could quickly see I did not approach the issue from the starting point of finding solutions but in self-interest to lash out/get revenge for the emotions /personalities I had allowed to come out in me. I was in blame and spite. Once I saw this, I realized I was not directing myself in a responsible way for all involved-I was letting the mind tell me who I am/how to feel! So I pulled them aside and said I notice how often we miscommunicate/don’t seem to understand one another and said there were some points I needed to clarify. Then I suggested that it would be helpful if they could be specific about what they needed/required from me (and another person involved), what exactly was it we could contribute so all involved would be treated fairly. This person and myself both calmed down and were able to quickly come up with a solution!

* My Body Language:

I was out for dinner with a man (seated beside him), who I have considered to be misogynistic, and after about 45 minutes I woke up, lol, as I was not aware but lost in my mind, of thoughts/memories/judgments from the past! He was speaking alot during the dinner to the other 3 of us present. I also saw how I had moved away from him, turned my Body in the other direction and further back from the table, my arms and legs were crossed at times as well. My face and mouth were tight, frowning. My husband said he noticed I was not enjoying myself and looked pissed off, well he said ‘you didn’t look very happy’. So what I immediately did was apply self-forgiveness and a self-corrective statement inside my head/to myself and I committed to not see him as the past/with no past between us, like it was the first time we were to together (of course I still had context) and refused to allow myself to follow/engage in memories/thoughts/judgments, but to let them gently go as they arose. I asked myself, ‘what is going on now in reality, is he doing anything now that is upsetting/abusive?’ The answer was no, he was just sharing stories of his life and travels. The effect was immediate, my body relaxed, I turned back/joined the table once again, I did not allow myself to have any expectations like all of a sudden he would include me in the conversation because I was being so understanding, lol, no that is what ‘remembrance’/ context is for.  If I am to give myself/my attention unconditionally to another, I cannot have an angenda or any judgement  or expectation of how they will respond to me.  I demand this person to change, each is walking their own path here in this lifetime, I cannot change anyone but only myself and stand as an example.  As I let go, I quickly began to enjoy myself, enjoy the stories of his travels across the world and learn from him!  I engaged another person across the table (who was also not much included in the discussions) and enjoyed that. Then I noticed this man looked at me a few times to include me in the conversation (or his dialogue) and asked me a few brief questions.  I can see that as I stabilized/accepted him and moved toward him, he moved toward me.  Now, when I see this man in some future moment, I will not have built up more emotional energies-another layer to limit our interactions/relationship, I can be more clear and ‘here’ thus allow the relationship to have the opportunity to grow.

 

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Day 314: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 3

women
women 2Please read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 and Part 2 for proper context to this blog.

From Part 1:  Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I ALLOWED myself to be manipulated

Continuing with Commitment  and Self-Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I see myself thinking how I don’t trust another and coveting my emotions of anger, self-righteousness with the hidden starting point of superiority I stop, I breathe. I realize no one forced me to do anything, blaming another for my actions is useless. I can see I only need to remind myself to slow down within interactions with others and be aware of what I speak and agree to, as well to not have expectations of the other person or a desire/want attached to the worlds I speak. I understand I was afraid to say no to this person as I did not want to be seen as unsupportive thus disliked.  Therefore, I commit myself to slow down and consider what I am participating in and why, also to allow myself to be noncommittal to a person for a time, while I figure things out so only say ‘I am not sure, I will have to get back to you about this issue’.

When and as I see myself going into emotions of anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling the emotion of SUPERIORITY I stop, I breathe. I realize it is on purpose my mind wants me to focus on the other person in this instance, like ‘they are wrong, they are always like this, I can’t trust them’, so I do not look within my own self/being and take responsibility for my own reactions!  I also realize this is how women remain/become enemies within separation through embracing the design of competition and comparison instead of embracing each other as support/respect/sharing/caring.  I understand I do not require to ‘feel better’ about myself-placing myself above another in superiority, or feel anything at all, I simply require to direct a situation, within calmness and breath, toward a solution that would be best for all involved.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner conversation/backchat that is full of anger, insecurity and comparisons around this issue of my friend wanting to sell me skin care products I stop, I breathe. I realize when I participate in this inner dialogue, I come to beLIEve it  and I become it, as these thoughts are living words.  I realize I do not know how my friend experiences her mind or what her pre-programmed thoughts are thus I have no right to blame or judge her.  Also, I understand that I do not control others so it is useless to worry about my partner having an affair with this person/leaving me for this person-essentially I only have myself and I am learning to treat myself with respect and care and that includes being in control of my own mind.  Thus, I commit myself to bring myself out of my mind of chatter at the first thought/pixel by focusing on what is here in reality, as well I commit to focus on supporting the people I am in contact with/close to in this life instead of imagining shit about them, wasting my time. Lastly, I commit to speaking up in self-honesty if I am unsure of a point of a decision that needs to be made, versus staying in-security/silent within self-interest.

When and as I see myself becoming/living the self-definition, based on the starting point of inferiority, of ‘I’m not good enoughmeaning: not clever enough/smart enough/tough enough to deal with this situation/handle this person I stop, I breathe. I realize I programmed this self-definition of inferiority a very long time ago, as a child when I was afraid to speak up in my home and I was afraid of my father-somewhat my mother.  I realize, I chose at that time to hide/ become less/shrink from the world instead of reach out for assistance and support, I understand I did not have the tools to do so, thus it is not about self-blame. I no longer choose to participate in this self-victimizing  behavior, thus I commit myself to push myself beyond my pre-programming and accepted limitations and speak up/take chances/make mistakes because today I chose to learn/grow /expand and in so doing  I support myself and others in this one life here.

 

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Day 313: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 2

energy-as-demon-possessionPlease read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t trust her, I feel manipulated and angry’.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in  anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling an emotion of SUPERIORITY, where I feel better about myself by putting her down in my mind, placing myself above her in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  then react  by bullying myself into guilt for my initial reaction of anger, with inner chatter like, ‘she’s really not so bad, I shouldn’t criticize her’.  And behind the guilt is the reaction of  fear, fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of/lied to/spited/losing my partner/physically harmed.  Behind the fear is what I was trying to hide from,  lifting the veils of self-deception to get to the truth of me (at least of my mind), a more deep rooted belief of INFERIORITY.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in inferiority to a person I define as a strong character  and think ‘I cannot say no to them’. Thus,  I am not directing myself in self-honesty here but allowing my mind to bully me into doing things out of obligation/need to be liked/fear because of a self-belief that I am inferior/not good enough/helpless/weak/limited. So it is not so much that I was manipulated into doing something but that I believed I was incapable of  speaking up and telling my friend ‘no, thank you’ when she told me about her skin care products. 

To Continue

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