Please read day 79 for context. I will include the introduction from day 79 here, as well.
Note: I was married 5 years ago for the second time. Yesterday my husband told me his father’s health is failing him. This is sad news, he is a very kind, patient, considerate, gentle man. They live out west and I was in fact planning to visit them with my husband this summer and looking forward to his company and having longer than 5 minute conversations with him, as we do over the phone. My mother-in-law, on the other hand is a completely different story, she can be intimidating, unpredictable when she drink alcohol (very much like my father was) and can become downright nasty and spiteful, to others, including her own children, however, she only picks on her children if there is not another ‘target’ close by. On our last visit, I was the other target and I ‘got it’ 2 or 3 times. I also found it unnerving that she does not attempt to hide the fact (which I suppose is more self-honest but just plain mean regardless) that she does not consider me as equal to her ‘family’, but rather ‘just the woman my son married’ (this is how I interpret her anyway), as she does not ask about my family or my life but will go on and on about her own life/family over the period I visited. In fact, she got so nasty, verbally attacking my daughter, particularily evil as she was revving up her abuse because I was not reacting to the other nasty shit she threw at me, so she knew instinctively to insult my children to evoke a reaction from me, which it did! Last time we visited, I vowed to never stay with them again.
So I find myself, in fear and judgement of her, based on survival/self-interest and in imagination, seeing myself a prisoner in her home due to circumstances of illness or death. How will I handle her nature, should I speak up/defend myself and my life, should I just ignore her, what is appropriate, what will my husband accept? I will examine this here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following inner conversation/self-talk around this issue of: I wonder if she is going to be nasty to me, she’s just like my Dad when she drinks, I don’t like the look in her eyes when she drinks, my husband and his relatives all say she ‘feisty’ and that is an excuse/cover-up for the truth that she is mean, I don’t trust my husband to stick up for me in these situations , I’m alone in this, she could at least be ‘polite’ and ask me about my life, she is not ‘nice’ like me and my family, I don’t trust that woman, I wish I could just tell her off, I wish we had the money to stay in a hotel, she just basically ignores me, she thinks her family is more important than mine, she is nice about my son but assumes my daughter is ‘undeserving’ or something, just like my step daughter’s mom, what is wrong with these women-they are obviously very competitive with other women-how small, she judges me-thinks I am not ‘good enough’ for her son and that I don’t contribute enough to our household income, she thinks her son could have ‘done better’ in the wife department, will I be able to ‘handle it’ correctly if she ‘attacks’ me or is rude to me? Will I stand up for myself/my family? If I do speak up, will my husband/others be upset with me? Should I just ignore her? She scares me, I’m not as strong as her, I’m not nasty like her, I don’t have as much practice/experience at ‘coming back’/verbal retaliation as she does, I hate verbal negative exchanges.’
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop all participation as/within backchat when/if occurs and to bring my awareness out of my mind of inner voices and back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in this inner gossip only creates more inner turmoil/feeds on itself, when I can simply be self-honest, in the moment, if this should occur, it is not happening now so it is not real, I do have some experience now in ‘sticking up for myself’/not reacting when verbal ‘attack’/nasty comments from another arise, I can just breathe in that moment and not react but leave, ignore it , or reply in a way that does not increase tension or play into a negative exchange, I do not have to be equal to the nasty comments she makes but can simply say my truth and then not continue back and forth, I can let her ‘have the last word’ and not participate in a competition/war and feel like I ‘need to win’ in the exchange, she is often pleasant enough, there were many times that were enjoyable when I have been with her in the past, I can know she is someone who uses this type of exchange, for her own reasons, so not be so surprised/take it personally when/if it happens.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the following reactions of emotions around this issue with my mother-in-law: dislike, curiosity (as with my Dad, why would someone be so spiteful, what makes them ‘tick’?), pity (for her-feeling sorry for her that she is this mean old lady and her husband is so ill and self-pity-feeling sorry for myself to have to put up with her), fear, spite, distrust, anger, resentment, anxiety, nervousness and guilt.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to not participate in these emotions should I be faced with this issue or find myself thinking about it, so I stop and take a deep breath in and out and remind myself I am physical and no longer accept myself to just react, as I now see/realize/understand these emotion are directing me, using negative energy to control me to further lead my down the rabbit hole of my mind, it is not even reality that I am reacting to as I am just at home, she is not a real threat but a little old lady, I don’t need to react to others but it is my responsibility to myself to control my own mind and not let energy ‘take me away’/be the directive principal of me here, this is easily corrected by reminding myself some people are ‘bullies’ to control others and because they are allowing themselves to be used by the mind in spite, intending to harm another and I do not need to know why, why does not matter if there is verbal abuse I speak up and or leave but not to ‘humiliate’ or ‘be right’/prove them ‘wrong’ or defend but to speak the truth as we are all one and equal as the flesh here in this one world and need to treat each other as such, I do not control others, it may not happen again, it actually provides me an opportunity to see who I am in this kind of situation when there is verbal abuse happening. I remain out of my mind of reaction of emotion and focus on the task at hand within my day/reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go so far with this thought that it produces a physical/behavioral change within my body of: nervous /anxious feeling in my stomach, even somewhat nausea all which definitely impacts negatively on my digestion, constricting of my chest muscles and tightening of my throat muscles, fidgeting with my nails-which doesn’t happen if I am here with breath, shallow breathing.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stay with breath awareness so as to stop a thought from ‘going this far’, to become a physical response in my body but if /when I do let a thought go to this extent, I commit to remind myself that this ‘fight or flight’ response is self-deception, as I was under no verbal attack or threat of attack what so ever, it was all in my mind, but even if I was I now realize I have the tools/ability to deal with this issue so any reaction is not/will not be necessary (I realize sometimes it is necessary for the body to respond to physical threat so as to move quickly etc.) and so I get back to breath, out of my own way and down to reality, to what is here, I calm down and remind myself to be grateful for all I have and carry on with my day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my participation as ‘the anxious daughter-in-law’ has real consequences which I will have to face, that there is a consequence to my body as the reactions of emotions that surface and let run wild , are energy reactions and this energy literally eats away at the flesh causing -over time-dis-ease, aging and pre-mature death! Other consequences being: I set up possible further misunderstanding , I create myself and my mother-in-law as characters in my mind, instead in oneness and equality as life, real beings here, who can learn to get along and not harm each other, I set myself up to blame my mother-in-law for MY reactions and who I am as MY MIND, while not taking any responsibility for my past as the frightened bullied daughter. Also, I participate in the mind consciousnesses systems of polarities of: nice/mean/good/bad/friend/foe etc. and thus separate myself from my mother-in-law in equality here, I strength my mind and not my standing in absolute stability here, as an example for others to follow for self-realization and I ruin any chance of introducing others to the concept of an equal money capitalism, as the solution to the devastating problems here on earth.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to free myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘the anxious daughter-in-law’. Thus, when I see this character rearing it’s head, I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk this point of fear and blame, when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment- so as to put an end to myself as ‘the anxious daughter-in-law’ forever.
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