Day 350: Fear of Conflict: Reacting to my Mom 2

fighting

I am continuing looking at some memories of my mom (she passed on 2 years ago). As she aged, she would often ask her children to assist her with different chores/tasks and sometimes she would be difficult/controlling, in relation to how we performed them lol. Firstly, I would see myself as superior to her and react with anger,blame, and judgement. Then I would swing into reactions of inferiority as self-doubt, guilt and self-judgement – within the role of dutiful daughter. In conflictual situations, specifically herefamily situations, I can see I am fearful of my own incompetency, within performing certain tasks and my ability to communicate, so I do not speak up in self-honestly/I remain silent. I give the communication a negative charge, as in defining it as a confrontation/argument/fighting. Often, I go into judgement, fear and/or superiority when others do speak up, like ‘I’m not getting into this, they can if they want but I am better/above that kind of behavior/fighting nonsense!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my mom as difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge my mom for how I am experiencing myself, within hanging thepicture, thinking it is because she is difficult. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt and then go into reactions of guilt and self-judgement, in and around this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of judgement/blame and then guilt within standing up/speaking up to my mom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within me wherein I go into an experience of guilt and then fear, for speaking up/communicating within family conflict situations because I believe I have ‘hurt my mom’s/another’s feelings and thus made things worse’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when I am struggling within a task and then project this onto another within blame and/or anger. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I think the other will see me as less than/inferior and then I will have to look at this myself/face my own self-belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear that I am less then/inferior to the task that I am facing.

fighting 2I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern of fear when thinking about speaking up about a situation with a family member. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to givecommunication/speaking with a family member a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear when I perceive my mom/a family member is angry with me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and fear when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of fear and anger when a family member speaks in a confrontational tone to me or another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within judgement and superiority when another/family member is speaking up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to exist within myself wherein I go into an experience of superiority and judgement when a family member is speaking in a confrontational tone.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into patterns of fearing family conflict/conflict whereby, instead of speaking-up in the moment self-honestly, I rather internalize reactions of blame and anger, toward another/my mother, then swing into the bullying character where I experience myself as guilty, so to avoid/not have to face the starting point of blaming another, I stop and breathe. I realize once I slow down and remain in the physical it releases the fear as I am assessing the situation just in the moment/physical with a starting point of solutions. I remind myself to not take anything personally but to take responsibility for an outcome that will be best for all involved, then all is simplified and because I am calm I can see a solution with much more clarity and I can move/do/act much more competently to, as in this case fix/repair something for another. Thus I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions of blame and anger and to focus on solutions when assisting another.

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Day 339: Reactions of Superiority 3: Living the Solution

superiority 2For proper context to this post, please read Reactions of Superiority: PART 1

From Part 1:  It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.

Living Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself participating in judgement while listening to another share their story at an AA meeting, with thoughts as backchat/internal conversations I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to get out of my mind and ground myself in reality here. I realize I cannot trust my reactions, as they are merely energies mostly based on the past as memories. Memories which I have stored/altered/changed the content of over time.  I also realize my inner gossip is based on my own interpretations/perceptions/assumptions, instead of actually getting to know this person in space and time.  I remind myself to slow down, HEAR the words they are sharing to assist and support me/others, and to practice real time patience, understanding, gratitude for the courage they are showing, by speaking in front of a large group of people.

When and as I see myself existing within and participating within an experience of superiority, where I connect the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement, spite, and comparison & engage in pictures/imaginations all based on past memories-how I have programmed myself-I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to get my head out of the clouds and back down to earth and focus on the words she is speaking, to- not only listen- but hear her. I understand she is from another part of the city, it was a cold, snowy night and she may have traveled by public transit, yet she came after a week of working, it is difficult/intimidating to speak in front of a group of strangers. I also realize it is to not judge another but to understand another that is important. Thus, when I see my mind start to chatter at a AA meeting, I commit myself to whisper or voice silently in my head ‘slow down’ and/or ‘calm’ and to focus on the speaker and my own breath, using patience, kindness, humility, treating another as I would want to be treated- if it was me up there sharing my story.

superiorityWhen and as I see myself suppress an initial reaction of sadness, coming from the starting point of FEAR, as I experienced myself as inferior to the situation because I am helpless to change it/remove a person’s pain I stop, I breathe. I realize by going into emotions and then suppressing those emotions, it does not change the facts of what this woman had to endure, so it is useless and it is harmful to my physical body.  I also see that  this woman is sober today and she has greatly improved her life, as in her living conditions, physical and emotional state and financial state, she has the support of the group (AA) today and is showing much courage, strength and humility by sharing her story. Thus, I commit myself to stay out of my mind and be aware of myself/body/breath when listening to a speaker at AA meetings.

When and as I see my mind jumping, within the polarities of inferior-as a helplessness/sadness of what another has had to endure in life- to superior-through the illusion of control, manifested as the false positive energetic experience of anger I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is real before me/what is going on in the physical. I realize it is not the individual I am angry at but the world systems. Thus, I commit myself to changing this reality/world as how it currently exists within entrapping the disadvantaged, by limiting their opportunities for enhancing/bettering their lives because they do not have money, this I do by promoting a LIG (Living Income Guarantee).

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DAY 338: Changing Myself in Moments: Reactions of Superiority 2

superiority 3For proper context to this post, please read Reactions of Superiority: PART 1

From Part 1:  It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgement and as judgement think, ‘Wtf, why does she keep making the same mistake over and over again!?’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself believe my own vicious backchat-as internal gossip, ‘…separating you from others in your own Mind with believing your own perceptions, interpretations and assumptions more than actually getting to know a person.‘ with thoughts like, stupid woman, what an idiot, doesn’t she learn, how dare she loose her children just so she could drink/use, how selfish, I wasn’t that bad, I did not loose my children, I raised my children!’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself experience myself as superior to the speaker at the AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous), where I connect the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement, spite, andcomparison & engage in pictures/imaginations and memories, all from the starting point of my own the past, in relations to what this woman was sharing.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the initial reaction of sadness/pain/ coming from the starting point of FEAR, as I experienced myself as inferior to the situation/hearing this woman’s tragic account of her life, like I couldn’t change it /control it, I was cringing in my seat, I made faces like ‘oh god, when is this torture over?’ sighing and squirming in my seat, but as I looked around for ‘support’ lol to catch another’s eye I could see everyone was sitting/listening quietly, respectfully, patiently…(I realize inside some could have felt as I did).

Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that because I did not enjoy this sad, fearful experience, which was really just how my mind was interpreting reality in that moment, my mind wanted to go to a positiveexperience, as in not wanting to feel so down/blue/heavy so I allowed my mind to jump to the positive energetic experience, within a false sense of empowerment, AS ANGER.

To continue

 

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Day 337: Reactions of Superiority

superior woman 2It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.  This jumping/switching I discovered through working on my timelines within the DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro).  Invaluable!

PROBLEM:  It started when I went to a meeting in which there was a woman speaking of her experience with an addiction.  As I listened to her story, I became increasingly angry at her.  I reacted with judgement, blame and comparison, and engaged in backchat like, ‘stupid woman, what an idiot, doesn’t she learn, how dare she loose her children just so she could drink/use, how selfish, I wasn’t that bad, I did not loose my children, I raised my children!’  Definitely, superiority there.

This woman was volunteering her time, to share/be completely vulnerable in front of a fairly large group of people, I did not know her at all, I really needed to get out of the house and was glad there was a meeting (12 Step Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous) close by that I could walk to.  So why was I so angry/reactive?  I fell into the trap of, ‘…separating you from others in your own Mind with believing your own perceptions, interpretations and assumptions more than actually getting to know a person.‘  There she was going through the timeline of her life and I was moving too fast in my own quantum mind, bringing all my memories throughout my life with me, I did not stop and consider all she had to deal with, within her own mind pre-programming, how she experienced herself moment to moment, where she came from-the economic conditions and emotional parental support or non-support she received, her parents emotional state, etc. I know I experienced it as ‘painful’  to listen to her story, I felt pity for her/her mom and anger toward ‘the system’ for how and where they had to live. There it is…I experienced myself as inferior to ‘the system’ and reacted with a hopelessness/helplessness and giving up like, ‘its to late for them’ and ‘oh, we’ll never change this country so people do not have to live this way, I hate the abuse poverty creates for women and children’ even more specifically, ‘she had no chance from the start, I hate her story, it’s completely unfair, just a birth lottery, she did not deserve this, that girl/woman who was born on the ‘other side of the tracks’ who grew up safe/wealthy did not deserve it any more than this poor woman did…’

superior womanI found it very painful to hear her story , I was experiencing myself as inferior to the situation (young single mothers and poverty) and reacted with pity and a hopelessness. So….as my mind became more overwhelmed/did not want to experience this emotionalnegativity any longer, it simply switched gears to a positive energy experience, by going into superiority/seeing myself as more than, where I connected the emotional reactions of anger, blame within backchat like, ‘omg, well, it was her own fault, stupid woman, she never learned, she made the same mistake over and over, oh brother, how could she do that to her children when she grew up that way? I was a better mom to my children, I didn’t do that…’

I have become increasingly more aware of this pattern (of allowing/participating in internal gossip) over the last few years, as I attend AA meetings, where I go into superiority and react with judgement, anger, blame. Then, when the meeting is over I ‘feel bad’/guilty about my reactions. When the talk is done and I thank the speaker, I genuinely wonder, ‘why was I gossiping about them in my mind? What was I so angry about? They put themselves out there for me tonight, I must stop doing this. I am genuinely grateful to them. I understand they are walking a healing process just like I am!’

This is unacceptable to me now. I have seen this pattern long enough. I now understand it is me following/believing my own mind-carrying the past with me as I listen to a speaker-and then validating my judgements with more backchat. I realize this takes work:  it is not comfortable/takes considerable effort to remain with breath/body in awareness in each moment, like it is ‘hard/difficult’ but that is not what is important here. The DIP, from consciousness to awareness, is a relatively new process for me and I can see the more I do it, the more it becomes natural, like a new programming within me, I can also see the obvious, that stopping this pattern of reaction is best for me, the speaker and best for all, thus this is what I commit to do.

To continue with the solution, as changing myself within, by stopping this pattern of reactions, thus changing my life and my world without.

Day 330: Why do You Fear Authority? How Can You Overcome Fear of Authority?

A few years back I came upon these EXCLUSIVE, AMAZING RECORDINGS on a website called Eqafe.  Now I’ve been listening toatlantean recordings non-stop, because its nothing short of LIFE CHANGING. I would like to share some of what I realized after listening to this awesome series about Insecurity:     Atlanteans-Insecurity:  Your Experience

Not knowing what to do, activates insecurity:  this comes out as /manifests as  disempowerment,  inferiority to the moment/situation, and fear and dependent on your programming depends on how you will handle the situation, also how you handle it will depend on how your parent/caregiver handled it-they learned it- and so on, generation after generation. In some people, the mind then polarizes the insecurity to the illusion to of empowerment, authority, control and superiority through yelling, shouting, bullying.

 

This explains my Dad’s behaviour and my reaction to it!  Dad was not taught how to deal with emotional energies coming up nor was he taught how to parent effectively–stress would come along within his day–he would come home to a certain situation with one or more of his children–and not know how to deal with it, like ‘I don’t know what to do?!’  ‘I have lost control of this situation/I have never faced this before’–this creates an INSECURITY coming up in ones mind –coming out as  fear/stress/anxiety/anger within oneself–so my dad searched sub-consciously within himself for a reference but only came up with how his dad handled stressful situations with his children, which was through yelling/hitting–this is a false POWER/AUTHORITY as it simply uses a force of ‘I’m bigger than you’ like bullying to temporarily control the situation, in this case his children, without sharing self-honestly like ‘Ok kids, we have a problem here, how can we together create a solution?’ kind of thing.

In that moment of my Dad yelling at me/us, I ALSO ‘did not know what to do’ so I copied the example before me, my dad and went into/learned insecurity.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react within victimization/victimizing myself as a child to be exposed to verbal and emotional abuse and to personalize this abuse like I ‘deserved it’ or at least it was ‘mine’ instead of realizing it was my dad’s insecurity and I did not need to ‘take it on’/incorporate it into myself and my life/living as an automated response , learning to respond to a problem/situation by becoming fearful/anxious, and behind this reacting within INSECURITY, ‘OMG, this is new, I have never faced this, I don’t know what to do!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of facing an authority figure where this person is speaking to me/is upset with me, my first reaction is ‘I don’t know what to do!’ and then I go into the insecurity construct I learned from my childhood, where I experience myself as inferior and respond with fear/anxiety, then because I am uncomfortable with this emotional response of insecurity, I (sometimes) swing to the polarized reaction of superiority, by creating a false sense of empowerment, control, authority, where I connect the emotional reactions of blame, anger, and self-righteousness.

Within this,  I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have been blaming my dad, my whole life for my own reaction of fear, when I perceive someone to be an authority figure, blaming my intimidation/my decisions-even major life changing decisions/my mistakes-financial struggles, alcoholism, isolation/my extreme personality ON MY DAD, when he learned this behavior from his DAD, so on it goes, blame is useless as one does not take self-responsibility and the behavior gets on passed from generation to generation.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my dad  for how he became a bully by accessing the insecurity program within himself, as how he learned this from his father, where he did not know how to handle a situation with his children and went from fear/insecurity/inferiority to the polar response of a false empowerment/superiority by shouting, yelling, threatening, bully his children, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within my mind‘s victimization construct, where I will shift responsibility to how I feel, how I experience myself and how I came out in life, what I’ve created out of my life, onto my parents THROUGH BLAME. Therefore I remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath not allowing myself to participate within the victimization construct, because I realize that I have created it in order to not have to take responsibility for my life and my choices.

I commit myself to removing the blame and victimization constructs from my mind, because I realise and understand that I have created it within myself in order to not to have to be held accountable for my actions, choices and decisions.

Note: This point has been a core issue/main theme throughout my life, I will thus re-visit it from time to time.

 

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Day 329: Which Character I am Playing this Morning?

worried-womanI am looking at changing the time it takes me to write out a point to completion, as in it’s taking too long lol! This new approach, not to be less thorough but to be facing myself in self-honestly each and everyday, as what is coming up and either speaking/applying my corrective application or out writing it out. I will examine the most glaring dimensions here and not necessarily all, as in thought/fear/backchat/emotions/body changes/consequences. Sometimes I will look at re-defining a word within the blog.

I am also attempting to get up in immediacy when I wake up each morning, so not starting /downloading the ‘thinking machine’/thought patterns for the day that keep me living in the past!

This morning I got up and had a picture of my neice (actually my nephew’s partner) in my mind, then started the thinking pattern of how I worry about her health and the two of them in general. Tadaa…the worried aunt.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of the first pixel- as a picture of X- arising in my mind and then following that picture and making this illusion, which is simply energy based on the past, my reality, so I miss what is actually before me, as I am simply following and reacting to pictures and thus not creating myself/my life as in moving/growing/expanding as a person, but behaving as an organic robot, following a script-as my pre-programmed life path, in this case becoming ‘the worried aunt’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat like, ‘I have to send X that link I found, I hope she doesn’t think I’m interfering, I hope she is ok, Y is under so much pressure, what if he starts drinking too much? There is so much alcoholism in the family, I hope their mortgage isn’t too big, what if they have kids and the pressure is much for them?…’ and connect pictures of other family members.

In this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in imaginations where I come from the starting point of fear, seeing playouts in my mind of the worst possible scenarios, then connecting more emotional reactions of worry, helplessness, hopelessness, some blame of others, and guilt.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to not see/realize/understand that going into these thinking patterns, then imaginations and then the emotional reactions that follow, is useless as it does not change anything, instead it takes me away from this real moment so that I am unable to effectively direct myself here, as how I could support/assist in practical ways, and the fact is their lives are stable right now so I am just occupying my mind with nonsense.

When and as I see myself following my mind down the rabbit hole, within pictures of my relatives popping up in my mind I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself I am only being pre-occupied so as to not fully realize who I am as life here versus who I am as the mind, I already know who I am as the mind/past but I do not know who/all I can be as a fully physical being. I realize I already have context of X and Y’s life and do not need memories to tell me what to do/how to direct myself within my day. I also realize caring does not equal ‘thinking about/worrying about’ and I am here for them if/when they need me. I understand existing in worry is not best for me/best for all and it is no longer acceptable to me to believe this energy as truth, it is not truth, life is truth and life is here, out of the mind. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself at the first pixel/picture coming up, thus stopping the inevitable thinking patterns/imaginings/emotions and harmful behavioral changes (like anxiety/stress in my body) that follow.

 

Day 326: Re-Defining the Word ‘Care’ in Relation to my Children Part 5

out of the box 2For context to this post,  please see ‘Expanding the Relationships with my Children:  Stuck in a Box’   Part 1 – 4
courageThis interview from Eqafe  Denial: Courage & Self-Honestly  Atlanteans – Part 247   is assisting me in understanding that changing my relationship to how I see/perceive my children -which I can see from the blogs is about, one, my own internal emotions of worry/fear around  ‘losing them’ to accidents or illness &  two, where I label and thus limit  them within definitions based on the past as my own memories-  will be a process over time of self-growth, where I change myself from automatic reactions of fear and denial when I think of my children, to responses of courage and self-honesty naturally emerging form within me !

 

DICTIONARY DEFINITION:

Care:  Noun:  a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern/a cause or object of worry, anxiety, concern

Verb:  to be concerned; have thought or regard, to make provision or look out , to have an inclination, liking, fondness, or affection

MY DEFINITION:   So does care = thinking about = worry?  Are my adult children reduced to nothing more than an experience of worry and anxiety in my mind?
SOUNDING:     care  share
c – are
c = see
are =  I was surprised to find the dictionary   definition  of  ‘are’  is   ‘to be‘   meaning   ‘to exist or live

NEW DEFINITION OF CARE:

To care for my son and daughter is to see them live and exist here, to witness their life and celebrate it with them.  To care for them is to share myself with them and really hear them when they share with me.  To care is to respect my children as life, they are in fact not MY children but beings here on earth as adults now, who came through me.  To care is to live as example of someone they can trust, as they see me living in self-awareness and caring not only for family but the entire world as my/our family.

To care is to be there whenever they wish to talk (if at all possible), and to not react to anything they share but to assist and support them to my utmost potential.  To care is to sometimes ask them about their lives, if/when I see a potential problem where I could assist in some way, and if they say they do not want t discuss something, then  I back off without holding any judgement but letting them know I am here if/when they need me in some future moment.

Finally, to care is to let go of any perceived control I hold within me, where I replace life/living as being present with my awareness with emotions/feelings/thinking patterns and imaginations about my children, within a desire to ‘keep them safe’ as it does not keep them safe in reality, they are human and as such, within the cycles of birth and death that we currently exist as, they will leave this earth, as I will, someday.

 

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Day 325: Expanding the Relationships With my Children: Stuck in a Box 4

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Please read Part 1 – 3 for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post:  Here I am looking at the relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understand certain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me:  Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50:  Sibling Rivalry:  The Gifts,  to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.

Continuing

THE SOLUTION

Self-Corrective Application and Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself putting my son in a box with words as labels supposedly defining him, where I compare him to other men who have been in my life past or present, and I project my own emotions of anger, fear, worry, anxiety about my life and past onto him, with the excuse ‘I don’t want him to suffer like I did’ or ‘I don’t want him to abuse like X did’ I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to focus on/access what is here in physical reality. I realize he is walking his own process in life and has matured much in the last few years, I have no right to judge him as I do not know all that he is experiencing in each moment, I can practice patience with him as I was much the same with my own parents as I matured in life. Thus, I commit myself to take responsibility for my ownreactions by bringing it back to myself/examining what is coming up in me. I also commit to seeing /interacting with my son genuinely and self-honestly in each moment, no longer carrying the past as memories, within thought and emotional patterns, with me, so allowing our relationship to be unlimited, based on a true love and respect versus based on self-interest, my own desires and fears.

When and as I see myself :  connecting caring to ‘thinking about’ / obsessing as’ worrying about’ my daughter, where I create disaster scenarios in my imagination instead of looking practically at the reality of her life, when I see myself participating in the mind’s design of polarities, specifically  of my son being the ‘difficult artistic one’ within a negative energy charge and and my daughter being the stable, responsible one giving her a positive energy charge in my mind, when I see myself going into anger if she falls from the pedestal I have placed her on/reacts to me in some way I perceive as negative, when I see I am projecting her accomplishments onto  myself/my life in order to make me feel successful through her, I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself I am a physical being and bring my awareness back to what is really here/happening in my day. I realize I did not like it when my parents had certain labels for me/placed me in a box and I cannot actually see/experience my daughter for who she is as a dynamic/changing/growing individual, expressing herself within her own process, if I have a need/desire to see her in a certain way/keep her in a containment because of my own self-definitions and if she changes I have to change! Thus, I commit myself to these ideas go/let her go to freely emerge from the cocoon of childhood into adulthood, as I do not ‘own’ her but was merely the ‘vehicle’ which she came through, into this world.

When and as I see myself connecting loving my children with ‘thinking about’ my children, where I allow myself to fall into imaginations and then thought patterns that bring up the emotions of worry, fear, anxiety and excitement I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself to get out of my mind of illusion and back down to reality. I realize I am able to best support, assist and enjoy my children’s company by practically reaching out to speak with/share with them, making suggestions/communicate /research or plan something of value  versus just being in some energy while I only ‘think about’ them, as this is quite futile. I also understand, when I participate in the negative energy of fear/worry/anxiety in this way and/or I swing to the polarity of expectation/excitement, I do so from the past/memories keeping us all in boxes with pictures and labels I have attached to the words son, daughter and mother. Thus, I commit myself to free all three of us, by opening up these boxes and allowing us to emerge with no definitions/labels as restrictions as the truth of who we are, unlimited beings/life thus birthing the opportunity for all 3 of us to live to our utmost potential.

 

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Day 324: Expanding the Relationships With my Children: Stuck in a Box 3

box 2box 3Please read Part 1 and 2 for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post:  HereI am looking atthe relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understandcertain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me: Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50:  Sibling Rivalry:  The Gifts,  to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.

Continuing

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anger that my son will become verbally abuse to women, where I project my past relationships with men onto him, and thus react to him instead of slowing myself down looking at the point in that moment as what he is experiencing and I am experiencing and directing the point in a stable manner.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be secretly pleased that my daughter has accomplished some things in her life that I had not, seeing myself as being seen in a ‘good light’, like this reflects well on me/I am vindicated after many humiliations as an active alcoholic/and like I am special because:  she went to a somewhat prestigious university, she has stable female relationships/friendships, she chose a partner who is financially stable, she is highly organized and competent, she is mentally stable, she does not drink much alcohol, she doesn’t seems to take many things as personally as I did (not as fearful of men for example as I was), she has a very cool career ahead of her.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am projecting an idea onto her, within self-interest, and putting her on a pedestal, labeling her ‘box’ with words/phrases like: stable, works so hard, responsible, reliable, so consistent and competent, perfectionist, she’ll be very successful within all areas of life, I don’t need to worry about her and within this, going into comparisons and self-judgements.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarized relationship existent within and as me, between my children, where I label one as ‘the difficult and challenging one/the artistic one/how will he ever make it in life?!’ and the other as ‘the successful one/the steady and practical one/the one I don’t need to worry about’.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is how my parents labelled me as , ‘the one we don’t need to worry about’ and I did not like it , I did at first but then resented it and acted out as an adult to prove them wrong/demand attention almost like ‘I need your attention too!!’ and I actually felt shy/fearful/insecure/alone and very suppressed as a child

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react when she is not perfect, ie. she becomes reactive towards me/is angry with me, and I then react with anger, blame and judgement and spite in my secret mind, ‘she’s not sweet, she’s mean like the rest of them’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess (less so in the last year) that she will befall some accident or illness, and engage in reactions of worry, fear, anxiety, where I go into blaming my ex for her living up north, where the winter driving is dangerous. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in worries that have little basis in reality, as I create them out of thin air, projecting my past onto her life, with backchat like ‘things could fall apart, you never know, it’s too good to be true’, and ‘she’s too sweet and naive, I’m afraid she will get hurt, I’m afraid she will be taken advantage of’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not considering what is real, as in really happening /occurring in her life, which is fine, as I am blinded by fear of loss (which has a starting point of self-interest) and angered by lack of control within their adulthood. It is seldom that I simply, peacefully think of my daughter or son without some worry popping up.

So does care = thinking about = worry?

Are my adult children reduced to an experience of worry/anxiety in my mind?

To continue

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