Please read the previous post: Day 356: Fearing my Thoughts moving too fast: Part 1 for proper context to this blog.
Note: If you are someone who is taking medication, continue to listen to your doctor and remain on your medication.
To re-cap, it seems like all the major fear points-existent within me, are coming up, one after another throughout the last month or so. Although I understand they are not me/I don’t have to take them personally (as I did before I started my course) they still have power over me/are controlling me/directing me to some extent and this is unacceptable. Thus, it is my responsibility to examine/investigate my self-doubt and replace it with self-trust, BUILD SELF-TRUST. Rather than stay in a reaction of fear, here I begin the process of slowing down my thoughts and removing these reactions from me, so I am instead able to- in a moment- stop, breathe and bring myself back to stability and reality.
Self-forgiveness in relation to thoughts speeding up/moving too fast and the word suicide
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed the word suicide to pop up in my mind, when I see my thoughts moving too fast.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘This is too much, I am not strong enough, I am small and weak. I will not make it, looking at the truth of me is going to kill me.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with embarrassment that I am exposing my weakness, and in that compare myself to others in process (Desteni I Process), who I am assume/perceive/believe to be moving ahead, building strength whereas I am falling backward/I am behind/I am weak/I am small.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will get sympathy for my troubles, like what I am experiencing in process is more difficult than what others are experiencing, and thus get special treatment/be ‘carried along’/ be ‘put up with’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts telling me to kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have established a stable grounded stability point within myself wherein I know who I am in relation to the voices in the mind and wherein I am the directive principle of myself and I know that I value the life within and as myself and therefore will not kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that any thoughts about killing myself are not in alignment with who I know I really am as a being which is self-value and self-appreciation – and that by me reacting within fear to these thoughts coming up about killing myself, is basically me giving away my awareness, power and directive principle of who I really am, instead of immediately realizing and understanding that these thoughts cannot possibly hold any power over me, because they are not in alignment with who I am as life
When and as I see myself going into self doubt that I cannot stop my thoughts looping or coming too fast, I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to bring my awareness back to the physical and ground myself here. I realize by doing this I am creating strength and self-trust by slowing down and looking at things in common sense. I understand that obsessing about my own mind/fearing my own fear is self-sabotage and I will never harm myself in reality. I realize that going into emotions of fear and telling myself/doubting I am strong enough to walk this process only wastes time in my day/is a useless distraction & causes physical changes as stress/anxiety in the body. Thus, I commit myself to building self-trust and strength by remaining with breath as I walk through my day..
When and as I see myself fearing I will die/fearing the word suicide in my mind, considering even for a moment it is a solution, I stop and breathe. I realize I have faced many challenges in my life and have always walked through them, fearing this word is useless and a waste of time, as I value me/my life/all life. I understand I have my awareness of who I really am and will not ever commit suicide and that any inclination towards ‘suicide’ is simply unacceptable. I state the living words, ‘This is unacceptable, I am a being who values life’ and in this statement I build my strength. Thus, I commit myself to continue to build strength and self-trust by remaining here with breath as I walk throughout my day.
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