I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into backchat, where I follow the first pixel- as a picture of a person or word- popping up in my mind, while doing household chores- specifically in relation to cleaning out the basement-throwing out old wood-coming from the starting point of inferiority where I react with fear, worry, stress-thinking I need to hide/be secretive/rush before my husband gets home, like I am a little girl/child who is unsafe & I react with fear, worry that he will be angry about money-wasting money by throwing out old stuff in the basement when I don’t have a full time job, and where I project onto B all of my worry about money, assuming how he will react and how I will ‘handle’ it.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to I continue down the rabbit hole by participating in imaginations of what he will say ‘he will be mad’ and reacting with more fear within that, round and round, all the while blaming him for my own reactions, then swinging into a polarized reaction, where I experience myself as superior to B and connect the reactions of contempt, justifications, anger, blame, judgement, ALL of this causing the building up of stress to manifest as extreme anxiety in my body, a tight gripping within my solar plexes/chest, throat, jaw, shoulders- like a ‘wringing’ of my cells, abusing my being and body.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict with someone I perceive to be a male authority figure (female authority figure as well), and to fear family conflict where I connect reactions of stress, worry, fear of loss, protection and defense all building up anxiety and where I see myself as inferior to the situation, and experience/participate in backchat ‘I am bad/wrong to be doing this/feeling like this, I’M GOING TO GET/BE IN TROUBLE, I BETTER HURRY UP, I BETTER NOT LET HIM SEE WHAT I HAVE DONE/AM DOING, WE WILL FIGHT, THERE WILL BE FIGHTING/A CONSEQUENCE TO THIS Also, backchat like, ‘I don’t know what to say, I don’t have the words, bully’s always win, better to be silent, I hate bully’s, he/she is so mean to me, they will win because they better at being mean and I will loose and look weak/incompetent/stupid, I will fail because I can’t communicate well in a conflict situations’ then to the polarity from the starting point of superiority, where I connect the reactions of blame, judgement and contempt and participate in backchat like ‘but they are wrong, I am right, they are stupid not me, they are a bully, I wish I could just do this in peace, I wish they would just leave me alone’.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to swing back and forth bullying myself within these 2 polarities. & where I go into the ‘I’m a good person/the better person’ character. I bully myself/disempower myself within all of this!
When and as I see myself becoming fear of conflict, where I react by trying to hide/becoming secretive/staying silent OR argue-bully the other person back, I commit myself to assist and support myself by slowing down while I am moving about the house doing chores & focusing on each moment within the task, not putting myself forward to the next step/task, so I can see the situation in reality, out of my mind of pictures or some future moment, where I project my own self-created beliefs upon another person, based on the past as memories–so to simply practice speaking up -using breath and in awareness- ‘Listen, it is no longer acceptable to me that you speak to me in this way. I have considered this carefully -and you within it- and made this decision (ie. in this situation-done this cleaning-clearing of the home) as it is my/our financial asset, and thus security, it improves the value of our home, I did not discard anything valuable.’ If I am unsure how to respond without reacting in that moment, I stay silent and plan/write out my words and speak them at a time when I am stable/grounded so as to not harm myself/the other/the relationship, instead I nurture/expand the relationship.
RE-DEFINING Words so they become living words of who I am here, in each moment and not from the starting point of the past!
Conflict Re-definition: calm consideration (I plan my words within solutions)
BULLY-AUTHORITY FIGURE Re-definition: SELF-TRUST: I AM SAFE
INFERIOR/stupid re-definition: COMPETENT-ADULT
Rushing re-definition: slow/focus
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