Day 374: Creating Anxiety: Backchat and Reactions of Fear

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into backchat, where I follow the first pixel- as a picture of a person or word- popping up in my mind, while doing household chores- specifically in relation to cleaning out the basement-throwing out old wood-coming from the starting point of inferiority where I react with fear, worry, stress-thinking I need to hide/be secretive/rush before my husband gets home, like I am a little girl/child who is unsafe & I react with fear, worry that he will be angry about money-wasting money by throwing out old stuff in the basement when I don’t have a full time job, and where I project onto B all of my worry about money, assuming how he will react and how I will ‘handle’ it.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to I continue down the rabbit hole by participating in imaginations of what he will say ‘he will be mad’ and reacting with more fear within that, round and round, all the while blaming him for my own reactions, then swinging into a polarized reaction, where I experience myself as superior to B and connect the reactions of contempt, justifications, anger, blame, judgement, ALL of this causing the building up of stress to manifest as extreme anxiety in my body, a tight gripping within my solar plexes/chest, throat, jaw, shoulders- like a ‘wringing’ of my cells, abusing my being and body.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict with someone I perceive to be a male authority figure (female authority figure as well), and to fear family conflict where I connect reactions of stress, worry, fear of loss, protection and defense all building up anxiety and where I see myself as inferior to the situation, and experience/participate in backchat ‘I am bad/wrong to be doing this/feeling like this, I’M GOING TO GET/BE IN TROUBLE, I BETTER HURRY UP, I BETTER NOT LET HIM SEE WHAT I HAVE DONE/AM DOING, WE WILL FIGHT, THERE WILL BE FIGHTING/A CONSEQUENCE TO THIS Also, backchat like,  ‘I don’t know what to say, I don’t have the words, bully’s always win, better to be silent, I hate bully’s, he/she is so mean to me, they will win because they better at being mean and I will loose and look weak/incompetent/stupid, I will fail because I can’t communicate well in a conflict situations’ then to the polarity from the starting point of superiority, where I connect the reactions of blame, judgement and contempt and participate in backchat like ‘but they are wrong, I am right, they are stupid not me, they are a bully, I wish I could just do this in peace, I wish they would just leave me alone’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to swing back and forth bullying myself within these 2 polarities.  & where I go into the ‘I’m a good person/the better person’ character. I bully myself/disempower myself within all of this!

When and as I see myself becoming fear of conflict, where I react by trying to hide/becoming secretive/staying silent OR argue-bully the other person back, I commit myself to assist and support myself by slowing down while I am moving about the house doing chores & focusing on each moment within the task, not putting myself forward to the next step/task, so I can see the situation in reality, out of my mind of pictures or some future moment, where I project my own self-created beliefs upon another person, based on the past as memories–so to simply practice speaking up -using breath and in awareness- ‘Listen, it is no longer acceptable to me that you speak to me in this way. I have considered this carefully -and you within it- and made this decision (ie. in this situation-done this cleaning-clearing of the home) as it is my/our financial asset, and thus security, it improves the value of our home, I did not discard anything valuable.’  If I am unsure how to respond without reacting in that moment, I stay silent and plan/write out my words and speak them at a time when I am stable/grounded so as to not harm myself/the other/the relationship, instead I nurture/expand the relationship.

RE-DEFINING Words so they become living words of who I am here, in each moment and not from the starting point of the past!

Conflict Re-definition:  calm consideration  (I plan my words within solutions)

BULLY-AUTHORITY FIGURE Re-definition:  SELF-TRUST: I AM SAFE

INFERIOR/stupid re-definition:  COMPETENT-ADULT

Rushing re-definition:   slow/focus

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DAY 373: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 7: WILLS-INHERITANCE 3

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in memories/manipulate myself by bringing up the memory of A saying, ‘why do you want my parents money so bad?’ where I am connecting the emotional responses of judgement, anger, hate, greed and fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize and manipulate myself by falling into fantasies/imaginations of leaving A and having my own apartment, where I am experiencing myself as superior to A and connect an emotional response of giving up, anger, when the truth of me is that I am suppressing my own fear, anxiety and nervousness of the poverty, isolation and active alcoholism I experienced in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then fall into the bullying character, where I judge myself as wrong/guilty for having such thoughts and for having judged A so harshly and and then I participate in justifications for having done so, creating anidea about A, where I calm down and look at reality and tell myself he is not a bad guy after all and I do not want financial insecurity again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a point of suspicion as assumption, based on past memories and based on a projection and opinion that A is not being completely honest with me and in some future moment he will go back on hisword, that we are a family one and equal, and where I am experiencing myself as superior within anger,-judging A as untrustworthy, lacking integrity- creating a nervousness, tension and anxiety within my physical body.

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DAY 372: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 7: WILLS-INHERITANCE 2

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a manipulation, trying to manipulate A by telling him my definition of ‘family’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have a desire/want/need existent within me to want A to agree with me, as doing so will validate me/my expression/definition and give me a good feeling of beingright/good/and superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to A with anger, where I am suppressing my inner experience of fear, nervousness, anxiety in relation to him asking me, ‘why do you want my parents money so badly?’ where this is bring up negativeenergy around family conflict and money/poverty issues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become superiority, where I am connecting emotional reactions of anger, hate, blame, and judgement in relation to A’s reaction (statement, ‘why do you want my parents money so badly?’) to my definition of family.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that creating/participating in  these energies, which I have given a negative charge, I am manipulating my body into tension creating more stress, building anxiety, creating muscles aches & pains, causing digestion problems and stiffening my facial muscles which over time creates wrinkles and causes headaches.

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Day 371: Blaming my Partner for my own Reactions: part 7: WILLS-INHERITANCE

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself within a perception, where I am reacting with blame, overwhemingness and helplessness toward A. in relation to money/inheritance and all the information with various options around this topic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become superiority, where I am connecting emotional reactions of anger, blame, giving up and self-sabotage & I am participating in the polarity playout in which I see/experience myself as ‘right’/righteous and him as ‘wrong’/evil.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am holding onto a memory, relating this here moment to the past when my first marriage split and I was left poor and had two young children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react, where I am assuming the worst, within suspicions, anger, blame, judgement, superiority & self-sabotage by accusing A instead of speaking from the starting point of stability and equality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how my extreme reactions only cause harm to me, my body and to A, as it results in the opposite of what I say I want; a truly loving , respectful , trustworthy family unit-with our three children and within our partnership.

In this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am to some degree setting myself up for failure, within a utopian idea of the perfect family, blended or not, & A may be lying but judging him in this moment is not supportive to me/him/the situation, rather to communicate and uncover/understand where he is/was coming from & why he said what he said, or just be understanding that he does not want to admit it because he may be embarrassed or ashamed.
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DAY 369: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 5 – JEALOUSY 2

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto A that it is impressive to be an intellectual, where I am connecting the emotional reactions of blame, judgement and hate.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created personality, as a Destonian, that has at it’s foundation a belief/interpretation that it is wrong/elitist to be intellectual, giving it a negative charge, where I see myself/experience myself as right and superior because I know what is valuable/important, as in what is best for all, and people who are intellectual do not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/experience myself as superior to A, while in the same moment, accusing him of believing he is superior, coming from the starting point of my own ego, where I desire to see myself as ‘better’ than him and where I am blaming him because of the polarized truth of me, that I am feeling insecure in the moment while he speaks of another woman whom he admires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into an experience of superiority, where I am comparing A to myself, seeing myself as someone who is compassionate and kind and seeing him as stupid because he doesn’t understand what is important inlife.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am coming from the polarized starting point of insecurity not strength, where I project onto A my suspicious nature, that people-specifically men who I am in a relationship with- are not trustworthy.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that here I am not standing as an example of life as A can easily see my own inferiority and fear coming out as insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself/my body/my being into a false sense of power/superiority and where I relax my body for a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become self-sabotage, where I am projecting onto A my own secret mind/internal experience of superiority – suppressing the truth of me which is insecurity- where I am connecting the emotional reactions ofanger, blame, jealousy and comparison.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in a quantum moment I have pictures popping up in my mind of a wedding, my own apartment, this woman and A golfing and laughing/enjoying each others company, essentially shooting myself in the foot, doing/behaving the opposite of what I want, in separation of A and this woman within inequality, the opposite of being here as life, and simply enjoying dinnertime hearing A share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become the bullying character, where I react with guilt for having judge A. and where I swing from superiority to an experience of inferiority, attaching the emotional responses of insecurity and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is a learned response from childhood, as I have pictures of my mom arise in my mind, where I saw her pull back when my dad got really angry and she became submissive and quiet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bully myself by participating in justifications, trying to convince myself that going into insecurity will make my life and future secure, thus if I become silent/act submissive I will allow A to keep his intellectualism and male pride and not be a nagging wife, who is demanding he change.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am connecting the reactions/emotions of fear and powerlessness, helplessness, inferiority, suppression, protection and defence to the bullying character, believing/perceiving that submissiveness equal safety and security.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that- in that moment- I am limiting my true expression as life-where I could simply be self-honest in each moment with another and with myself-instead of planning and scheming within my own secret mind, how to supposedly protect myself within a submissiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created within me a self-belief & a self-definition that I must be a ‘nice & pleasant wife’ in order to have security in my marriage/partnership with A.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating within emotional reactions of suppression, suspicion, self-doubt, self-judgement, self-blame, powerlessness, helplessness, and protection and defensiveness within playing a role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am only willing to play the role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’ from the starting point of self-interest, within the self-created belief that ‘nice, pleasant wife’ does not get abandoned and left penniless, like I was last time I was married.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am comparing my first marriage with my marriage to A.

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DAY 368: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 4 – Jealousy

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and another in my mind, where I experience myself as inferior, connecting the reactions of anger, hate, jealousy, insecurity, blame, and judgement in relation to A.’s remarks about another woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself by comparing myself to another woman within competing against her in my mind, like it is a contest and the winner will get A’s love/respect.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this woman in inequality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating in the mind consciousness system’s polarity programming of right and wrong, winner and loser, love and hate, up and down and following these energycycles/patterns as I limit myself and another in my mind & where I compromise my mind, body and being within these limitations, making myself and another characters in a story instead of life here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a state of delusion/experience where I participate in and believe all sorts of nasty backchat in my mind, instead of simply listening/hearing A sharing about another beings qualities/talents/skills and enjoyhis company during dinner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am manipulating myself and my body as I participate in these reactions, allowing the muscles to stiffen/tense thus become achy, my face to scrunch up and my breathing to become shallow.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have become the manifestation of judgement and as judgement connect the emotional reactions of blame, suspicion, anger where I am holding onto perceptions and opinions of people/situations, specifically in this situation projecting my own snobbishness onto A.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am experiencing myself as superior in that moment, suppressing the truth of me that at the core I hold onto a polarized self-belief that I am in fact inferior, in comparison to this woman (& others who I perceive to be ‘well read’ or having a better education/grasp on world &/or local issues or others who I consider ‘well spoken’), because she earns a high income and is athletic/a very good golfer so she can spend time with A in a way that he enjoys and this threatens me.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of: ‘I am not good at public speaking, I am not competent to understand, learn and relate important issues, I am average at best so better for others to do it.’  As well, ‘I am not well read, I do not understand politics or economics or mathematics’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by allowing this comparison I am victimizing myself by participating in my imagination of A getting to know her on the golf course, putting myself in some future moment where he is thinking she is awesome and I am not awesome but average, thereby me not being comfortable in my own skin and just being me, genuine in the moment with A at dinner but instead allowing myself to become defensive, taking it personally as A spoke of this woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief & self definition of:  ‘I am not awesome, I am average thus any partner I have will get bored of me eventually and abandon me’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am putting/placing a huge amount of stress/pressure on my body & being by separating myself from myself in that moment, not standing as life, realizing that it islife itself-which I am in the process of becoming-that is awesome just being here.

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DAY 370: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 6: Money

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when A said he wants to keep his money and my money (that we inherit) separate, where I am victimizing myself within a self-sabotage by going into nervousness, anxiety, worry, fear, ego & where I am putting myself forward, in some imagined future moment, within a paranoia that he is against me, L, and M (my children) and protecting only him and N (his daughter).

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I was rushing my thoughts, following down a raging river (or lightening bolts of energy) instead of realizing this was one of the first conversations we had- about inheritance -and these issues can be difficult to discuss & I could simply listen/hear him and then calmly share my thoughts/ideas/concerns, like a flowing stream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then fall into a reaction of self-doubt, self-blame and self-judgement, where I am connecting further emotional reactions of powerlessness and helplessness, confused as to my reaction to A instead of being kind and patient to me and slowly looking at the point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in my rushing I am manipulating my body, going into tension and tightness, causing an uncomfortability, which further exasperates the mind of fear, creating more thoughts and thought patterns.

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Day 367: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 3 -Ego & Appearance

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ego, and as ego react to my appearance within self-judgement, nervousness, fear, and self-victimization.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am giving my hair and appearance a negative charge stirring up energies of a helplessness, which harms my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become inferiority, where I connect the reactions of self-judgement and ego because my hair is frizzy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-belief within and as me, that I need to ‘look pretty’ for the man in my life because it gives me value.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is life itself, and myself as life, that has value and life requires nothing for this to be true.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my appearance to that of other women, where I am participating in the mind‘s design of competition.
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and insecurity based on my perception of how A will react to seeing/meeting other women at work each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump to the worst possible scenario/think the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fall into inferiority, where I am victimizing myself by projecting onto A my own reactions of fear, insecurity, helplessness to not looking a certain way when he comes home.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is a specific/certain way to look to be pretty/sexy/desirable instead of simply being clean, neat, and comfortable with /as myself here.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to cause physical changes resulting in pains and stomach issues and lines on my face/forehead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the design of inferiority, where I connect the emotional reactions of fear, nervousness, and insecurity in relation to A coming home and me not wearing any make-up.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created an idea in my mind and thought patterns where I am giving wearing make-up a positive charge and connecting the words pretty, beautiful, & giving me not wearing make-up a negative charge, while connecting the words old, ugly, plain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my beliefs about beauty/female appearance onto A, where I go into superiority, jumping from the polarity of feeling inferior so to avoid looking deeper at the truth of me, and where I connect thereactions of blame and anger.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by jumping within extreme thinking /polarities of inferior to superior by following visions/imaginings of leaving A and getting my own apartment, thus running away /hiding from the opposite sex, as a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and my body into a relaxed state at the thought of running away/isolating myself instead of facing myself and sharing myself with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then swing into the bullying character, where I react with guilt after I have judged another, instead of simply slowing down and looking at reality, that A does his best to be supportive and loving in all aspects of our partnership.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into self-judgement and self-blame around this issue of make-up and A.

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DAY 366: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: part 2 – Insecurity

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/believe/perceive that A is judging me, jumping to the worst conclusion, by picking up the plant to check if it needs watering.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of inferiority, where I am victimizing myself by falling into my mind of past programming, where I think A thinks I am stupid and not doing the job properly. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I can do a job properly and if I have not done it to perfection I can simply rectify the situation in the physical, without having thoughts about another person or judging myself about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with insecurity, where I think I can somehow protect myself by following my suspicions, inside of my own mind, instead of dealing with reality, what is here before me.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then jump to the polarity of reacting with anger, blame and superiority, where I am justifying in my own mind my reaction by focusing on A, instead of considering the plant and what needs to be done.
In that I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the truth of me, that I do feel inadequate/inferior and have self-doubt when A checks the plants.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my reactions have an effect-a consequence-on my physical body & I am in fact manipulating myself into a reaction of nervousness and tension causing a stiffening and aching of the muscles in my upper back/neck/face and clenching in my solar plexes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up emotion by re-playing the memory inside my mind, where I am reacting with anger and blame toward A in relation to him checking the plant. In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am victimizing myself by going into superiority, taking his action personally and thinking he is wrong and thus I am right to judge him for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ego/superiority, where I react with anger and blame toward A, instead of looking at and discussing the point of taking care of the plants, within physical practicality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto A my own self-doubt that I am taking care of the plant properly, where I react within a false sense of superiority, defensiveness and hatred toward A, based on my own suppressed self-belief that I am stupid and I cannot perform/complete tasks/responsibilities within a perfection.
With this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is my own self-doubt that causes me to rush within/throughout my day and thus not perform tasks to their utmost completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become superiority, where I react with judgement and hatred toward A, projecting onto him my own feelings of being ‘better than’ instead of simply looking at the point and seeing that the plant needed to watered twice that day because of the weather being extremely hot and dry.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I am manipulating myself by going into physical changes of tension and stress which lead to/cause anxiety, sweating, difficulty falling asleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a superiority, where I victimize myself by blaming A & becoming angry at A for my own reactions in relation to watering the plant, where I go into extreme thinking instead of trusting my body andbreath in the moment by allowing myself to calm down and not exaggerate the situation.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is not about needing another but that I enjoy sharing my life with A and when I simply slow down, do not rush my thoughts/thought patterns, I can stop myselffrom thinking and speaking words that can harm another/myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination, where I am indirectly blaming A and victimizing myself by simulating pictures, where I live alone in an apartment, suppressing the truth of me that I fear this could happen, meaningthat A would leave me because I am incompetent and stupid.

To continue

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