DAY 369: BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN REACTIONS: PART 5 – JEALOUSY 2

Here I am sharing the self-forgiveness that I am walking in my DIP course (Desteni I Process Pro) in relation to my how I react to my partner.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto A that it is impressive to be an intellectual, where I am connecting the emotional reactions of blame, judgement and hate.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have created personality, as a Destonian, that has at it’s foundation a belief/interpretation that it is wrong/elitist to be intellectual, giving it a negative charge, where I see myself/experience myself as right and superior because I know what is valuable/important, as in what is best for all, and people who are intellectual do not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/experience myself as superior to A, while in the same moment, accusing him of believing he is superior, coming from the starting point of my own ego, where I desire to see myself as ‘better’ than him and where I am blaming him because of the polarized truth of me, that I am feeling insecure in the moment while he speaks of another woman whom he admires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into an experience of superiority, where I am comparing A to myself, seeing myself as someone who is compassionate and kind and seeing him as stupid because he doesn’t understand what is important inlife.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am coming from the polarized starting point of insecurity not strength, where I project onto A my suspicious nature, that people-specifically men who I am in a relationship with- are not trustworthy.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that here I am not standing as an example of life as A can easily see my own inferiority and fear coming out as insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself/my body/my being into a false sense of power/superiority and where I relax my body for a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become self-sabotage, where I am projecting onto A my own secret mind/internal experience of superiority – suppressing the truth of me which is insecurity- where I am connecting the emotional reactions ofanger, blame, jealousy and comparison.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in a quantum moment I have pictures popping up in my mind of a wedding, my own apartment, this woman and A golfing and laughing/enjoying each others company, essentially shooting myself in the foot, doing/behaving the opposite of what I want, in separation of A and this woman within inequality, the opposite of being here as life, and simply enjoying dinnertime hearing A share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become the bullying character, where I react with guilt for having judge A. and where I swing from superiority to an experience of inferiority, attaching the emotional responses of insecurity and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is a learned response from childhood, as I have pictures of my mom arise in my mind, where I saw her pull back when my dad got really angry and she became submissive and quiet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bully myself by participating in justifications, trying to convince myself that going into insecurity will make my life and future secure, thus if I become silent/act submissive I will allow A to keep his intellectualism and male pride and not be a nagging wife, who is demanding he change.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am connecting the reactions/emotions of fear and powerlessness, helplessness, inferiority, suppression, protection and defence to the bullying character, believing/perceiving that submissiveness equal safety and security.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that- in that moment- I am limiting my true expression as life-where I could simply be self-honest in each moment with another and with myself-instead of planning and scheming within my own secret mind, how to supposedly protect myself within a submissiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created within me a self-belief & a self-definition that I must be a ‘nice & pleasant wife’ in order to have security in my marriage/partnership with A.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am participating within emotional reactions of suppression, suspicion, self-doubt, self-judgement, self-blame, powerlessness, helplessness, and protection and defensiveness within playing a role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am only willing to play the role of ‘nice, pleasant wife’ from the starting point of self-interest, within the self-created belief that ‘nice, pleasant wife’ does not get abandoned and left penniless, like I was last time I was married.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am comparing my first marriage with my marriage to A.

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