Day 153: Who Creates The Subservient Woman? continued

Please note:  Blogs: Day 147-152 are relevant to this post.

Thought:  I’m not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘I’m not good enough’ character in reaction to a non-response from another or what I perceive to be a negative response from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, when someone  does not respond to me/notice me, that I am insignificant because I ASS-u-Me they are ignoring me and think I am insignificant, thereby completely victimizing myself and following another instead of directing myself/standing as myself but waiting for their response to validate me/give me purpose instead of validating myself in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear, anger, blame, judgement, self-judgement and self-punishment when another person does not respond to me and to allow these negative energies to possess me. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the positive energies of relief, validation, ease, feeling  a false sense of stability if they should respond at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in internal conversation/backchat like: he/she thinks it’s ok to ignore me because I’m insignificant/I’m a failure/I’m not as good as the others/I will die /I’m not going to make it/my work is not as good as the others/I don’t do enough/I don’t do things right/I’m not that smart/I’m not thorough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience physical body reactions of :  a severe welling up in my solar plexes-reacting like I’ve been attacked-like a ball of  anxiety, tightening of my shoulders and upper back, clenching of my jaw, all this resulting in body aches and extreme uneasiness causing tension and stress throughout my body.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘I’m not good enough’ character because of a non-response or a response I thought was negative from another, I pull myself out of my mind of thought and back down to earth, I use my breath to stabilize myself and remind myself no one can create my reaction BUT ME and that is the part I am responsible for. I also realize I tend to ‘jump to conclusions’ moving too quickly in my mind and need to slow down and consider my every thought/word /deed, as in stabilize myself here and then assess/speak/direct the situation in common sense and self-honestly, considering all involved equally.  In that , I also see I need to stop all judgements and assumptions and look at what is real, my part in it, and go from there.

When and as I see myself going into polarizing energy emotions, depending upon how the situation turns out-gets left or resolved- I stop myself and bring myself back here, to the physical and deal with the situation in reality, as energy is not required and only depletes me. I now see/realize/understand I have been dependent upon the acceptance and approval from others-usually men but sometimes women in authority positions- to tell me how to feel, as depending upon the interaction I am : happy or sad/high or low/good enough or a loser/will live or die.  I commit to no longer give someone, outside of myself, such power/authority.

When and as I see myself participating in nasty backchat/internal conversation around this issue I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to here, to the physical world, as I now see/realize/understand I am all alone up there in my mind of chatter and paranoia-it is isolating and dangerous as there is no reference or check with reality, it is based on my past experiences/memories from my past and not based on reality today/here, I have no right to judge another and make assumptions about what they say/think of me, as it is obviously what I think AS IT CAME FROM INSIDE OF ME therefore it exist within me and so is my issue to deal with.  I also understand it is quite useless to worry/obsess about this point and  it is better/common sense to just ask the person and see if they have some support/insight they can offer if they feel I have an area that needs attention/improvement.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

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Day 152: Who CREATES the Subservient Woman?

Please read the previous posts, day 147-151, for context to this blog.  Continuing…

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

 Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself going into blame within the current financial situation of my life-which is a consequence of my past action or inaction- I stop and bring myself back to breath, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I am the creator of my life/existence as I am capable of making changes (and I have done this) to my income, so becoming financially independent, I have for the most part taken care of  the debt I accumulated throughout my life, I have an equal partnership within my marriage today whereby I am responsible for most of the household duties and contribute  some income and my partner makes most of the financial contribution, I have all I need and no longer am plagued by want/desires, I am grateful for all I have and realize billions of people/animals/nature’s many species suffer from lack due to the inequality of the current world systems and I am contributing to bringing about a world which will share the resources in a way that is best for all.

When and as I see myself creating the consequence of self-harm/self-victimization, by reacting to a memory, specifically the memory of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries so hard, even when she knows she won’t win’  ( my dad was referring to a running race when I was in primary school), I stop I breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not have to allow this memory to define me, it holds no power over me except what I decide in each moment to give it, my father did not mean I would never win-that was my reaction and I have used it as an excuse to ‘not try’/give up at times in my life- and therefore my responsibility, I actually did think I had the chance to win and do not allow myself any longer to give up before I even try something/start something new because of fear of failure, I cannot be a creator if I allow fear and memories define who I am here.

When and as I see myself reacting with the emotions of fear, anger, resentment, and blame because I have given my authority/power away to another, I stop and remind myself I am the authority in my life/I am the moving force that is breathing/speaking/doing and thus the creator and no one else, I also realize these emotions create the consequence of leading me into non-action and so depression/apathy, thus I cannot grow/expand/learn and apply/give and share with others. I state clearly, No,this is no longer who I am, I commit me to change’ and carry on with the task before me.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 149: My Relationship with the Word ‘Creator’ 3

Please read the previous two posts, day 147/148, for context to this blog.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not the creator of myself and my world and thus I am not responsible because everything is being done TO me, instead of AS me (so living in re-action versus being the directive force)  as who I am in every  thought, word and deed .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give the ultimate authority –the author/the living word- over myself, as my mind/beingness/body  within and my physical circumstances without- to a male figurehead either in the sky as in god/universe or in my life as in husband/boss/father/etc.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hope he is benevolent as he is the decision maker whether I live or die, how I live and die, how others live and die, so I am helplessly at the whim of this creator and resigned to just go through the motions, ‘make the best of it’ -this life of no control-robotic and depressed.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then believe that if this creator, god or male authority figure, rejects me, I am ‘doomed to death’ so I better damn well please him/suck up to him/try to be good enough for him or else! In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take care of myself on my own-stand on my own financially and emotionally, as well within my agreement with my husband, to think my contribution financially and homemaker duties are not enough when it is clearly working/agreed upon/equal AND within my online course, that my contributions are not enough, when I am facing myself each day, breath by breath, and will do more as I am able, being in a process.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotions and feelings around my relationship and associations to the world ‘creator’ :  fear of death/fear of homelessness/fear of poverty/fear of exposure-cold/fear of loneliness, anger, resentment, blame, self-blame, less than/inferiority, helplessness, hopelessness, greed, self-importance/vanity/narcissism, gratefulness, awe, respect/love.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of failure-not good enough character/fear of death/arrogance/gratitude onto a being-real or imagined-other than myself so I don’t have to face myself in self-responsibility as the creator of my life and my world but am more comfortable externalizing the consequences of my every thought, word, and deed throughout my life, onto another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create massive consequence within my relationships and associations to the word ‘creator’ throughout my life, some of which are the following:  I spent much of my adult life concerned with my own self-interest/religion of self, in self-pity because I did not have a cottage, wanting fame and fortune through songwriting (thought this was what my ‘higher power’ wanted for me but it was just my mind/pre-programming), somewhat obsessed with looks/image as a woman, fashion, desiring an extravagant home because I allowed myself to be directed by greed and superficiality.  Another consequence is that I put myself at a disadvantage financially,emotionally and mentally by relying on luck, hope, romantic love-dependency, god’s good grace-prayers answered, chance, dependency upon family -assuming I was not the creator of the circumstances/events in my life (I do understand in this world, there are circumstances which are beyond our control) because I did not trust my own self /common sense in that I would be better off taking control, as much as I was able to, within different events happening throughout my life.

Another consequence, due to my relationship and associations within the word ‘creator’ is that I closed my eyes (to some degree-not completely) to the suffering of others and did not ‘love my neighbor as myself’ and ‘give as I would like to receive’ so fed into the material world by not speaking out about abuse and purchasing products in which animals/people/the plant kingdom/the oceans were being abused and depleted.  Why?  Because I did not experience first hand their suffering, I could ignore it by not reading about it/not watching the news and remain in my bubble/comfort zone pretending everything was fine in the world because everything was mostly fine in my comfortable world.  Another consequence is that I suffered horribly, by living in the past and blaming, with mental illness and alcoholism as I could not, at the time, see any other ‘answer’ to the emotional pain I was facing than attempt to escape what ‘fate had dealt me’ by going inward into fantasy/prayer/spirituality and then music writing and drinking alcohol and isolating.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 148: Taking Responsibility for My Relationship with the word ‘Creator’ 2

‘Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.’   OMG, what have I done? Surely I did not do this, I am a good person, I care…don’t  I? ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to completely separate myself from this word ‘creator’ as if it exists out there somewhere and thus separated/abdicated any and all responsibility toward this word and all the associations I hold within me, toward this word.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the words: power, bible, father, universe, god, higher power, savior, birth, death, pain, disease, suffering, nature, animals, ocean, sun, moon, stars, space, beauty, flower, miracle, impossible, human, body and the hierarchical polarities of greater/lesser, powerful/weak, victim/victor, winner/loser, beginning/end, birth/death, war/peace, boss/dependent-worker   to the word ‘creator‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself not consider myself the creator of the extensive amounts of abuse that exist in the world in relation to:  purchasing make up that has been created through cruel experimentation on animals, through passing on ‘the sins of the father’ by not being aware of my every thought/word/deed while I was raising my children and I thus raised them ‘in my image and likeness’, by sleep walking my way through life-unaware of my self-interest- and thus participating as ‘creator’ in massive inequality within income/healthcare/education/housing conditions of the people around me and the world at large.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto/desire to keep my relationship to my comfort and thus have not been willing to face the changes required, firstly in my inner world, to change me, because I consider it ‘hard work’/uncomfortable to change, so I resist letting go of my ego, as in my personality of memories, emotions, feelings  and rather stay stagnant because it is the ‘devil I know’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘the creator’ as in it had the power to give me life and then at some later date, take it away and then blame this creator for this cruel and unfair position it put it’s little creation in, being me!

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate all men, in any kind of authority position in my life, real or imagined authority,  to the ‘creator’ so that if they rejected me/left me/did not approve of me it feels like a death or like I will die/they are killing me/destroying me and then I blame them, as in they have done me wrong so I right to blame them, I did my best.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then participate in all sorts of nasty backchat/inner conversation in which I first abdicate any responsibility and then go into self-blame/self-loathing/punishment/judgement, so from one polarity to the other, of some of the following: birth and death is a stupid design, whoever designed the mind is stupid and irresponsible as it malfunctions easily and is cruel, god does not love /take care of everyone obviously as millions stave and suffer so is not a benevolent force/being, I don’t trust the creator and I don’t trust this world but I’m helpless against death so I have no choice (powerless) so I’ll try to do the ‘right’ thing… how dare he judge me as unworthy/I don’t count/I can be discarded/I”m forgettable/I’m not special/I’m not worth keeping around, he thinks I’m not good enough, he thinks I’m pretty enough but not very intelligent, he ignores me… maybe he’s right, I’ll be alone if I’m rejected by him, how will I get along/cope in this world without him, I could die/die young/be poor/not enjoy life without him…maybe he is right, what did I do/say wrong, if only I had done x/said x, why am I such a loser/failure, I didn’t do enough for him, I’m not good enough for him.

In that,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, during my years when beLIEved in a ‘higher power’/love and light, participate in backchat/inner conversation of the nature of some of the following:  it’s ok there is a loving design, its none of your business the business of life (lol, makes no sense to me now), do not question just have faith, god/universe loves us unconditionally, there is a plan, it’s all a loving plan, everyone is here to learn lessons, it’ll make sense when I die AND all of the self-depreciating talk above.  However, (during that period of my life) I was either wrought with insecurities and dependency on my first husband, or drinking alot , or into the AA  (alcoholics anonymous) higher power idea so not self-empowered at all and was always searching for answers, until I found the Desteni Message and DIP Course!  So, this love and light inner talk did not assist and support me to stop the self-blame/judgement/punishment and help me stand on my on two feet and  stop living from the starting point of the past-it actually kept me in an unequal/enslaved/dependent relationship on a creator outside of myself.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 147: Taking Responsiblity for my Relationship to the word ‘ Creator ‘

In today’s post I am deconstructing the word ‘creator’ and examining my relationship to, and responsibility toward, how I live this word.

When I consider the word ‘creator’ my mind goes to ‘god’, the higher force/being that is responsible for bringing about the existence of earth and all it’s inhabitance. Whatever that power is, I suppose I have defined it as ‘the almighty/omnipotent one/the ultimate authority’ and I was just the blade of grass/the child of this power greater than I and therefore at it’s mercy. I ‘hoped‘ it was a benevolent force and that if I ‘try’ to be a good person (doing the odd random act of kindness unto another) and eat sensibly I would be spared it’s wrath and enjoy a relatively easy life and not suffer too much and go somewhere ‘better’ when I die.

I assumed the creator was more than a single entity, yet I ‘pictured’ the creator as the ultimate ‘father’/the godly figure in a long robe and white beard/or a massive white light or something similar.   Have to admit, I thought of the creator as a male figure head/the boss to whom I should or must submit/try to please/be accepted/in his good books and so my relationship/associations  to this ‘creator’ was much the same as  my relationship/associations to all the males throughout my life who I had any kind of authority issue, imaginary or real, with. So, all bosses, my father, my father’s friends/associates, older male relatives,any leader of an organization I was part of, any head of a group of people I was associated with-be a church or school, sports teams, drama club, etc. and of course husband.

It is not so much I thought these ‘male authority figures’ were better or smarter than I , in fact, I often was quite smug, judgmental, harsh, condescending in my assessment of the male authority figures in my life.  I dealt with the dilemma of being at their mercy/under their authority with an attitude like, ‘well, they are quite stupid but there is nothing I can do about it so I will submit and do the best I can to not anger/upset this mean and ignorant man and get along as best I am able, until I can leave/be free of them’.  Often, with bosses I had some mad crush on them at some point within our association and would fantasize about being with them, so although I was fearful and submissive I was definitely attracted to this authority/power and would sexualize  (sexual eyes) this attraction. Related to this would be the fantasy of marriage and being financially taken care of , so creating a dependency. So there was, in these cases, an attraction-pull and a revulsion-pushing away, very polarizing forces.

Well, this is interesting/reveling, I started writing about my relationship to the word ‘creator’ and am now writing about sex, money, and dependency on A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF= GIVING A MAN IN MY LIFE AUTHORITY OVER ME, which, I realize,  is not their fault by the way .  Within my relationships with the opposite sex during my lifetime (with the exception of my marriage today) there has also existed the ‘ownership’ issue, being that this guy had to stay with me ( I owned this guy) or I would just die.

To continue in the next post, deconstructing the word ‘creator‘ and applying self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application, in which I write a statement of how to walk/live this word, from the starting point of self-responsibility.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?