Day 243: Healing Anger at my Ex’s Family: The Solution Part 3

January 8, 2014January 9, 2014 | sandymacjones

From Part 1: “ I have been working on my Dip timelines, in which I am seeing how I fear speaking up/standing up for myself/ saying ‘no’ in family situations so as not to cause family conflict. I actually resist conflict because I feel inadequate to ‘handle it properly’…This is no longer acceptable to me as it is my responsibility to myself and others to stay out of energy (emotions and feelings) and simply answer self-honestly in the moment.” From this excerpt, we can see both the PROBLEM AND THE SOLUTION, the solution being a process, which I will walk here.

Thought: ‘What are they being so mean about? In common sense they don’t need the money and it was-I specified- an idea/suggestion, ‘what do you think?’ I stated. A simple ‘no, just send us the cheque’ would have sufficed. Damn, I have to see them next year at L’s wedding (my daughter) and probably at a shower or two. How will I handle this? I’m so angry at them!’

Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself become angry, as an emotional energetic reaction of defense, in and around this issue of having to pay back a loan to my ex-husband’s family I stop and breathe. I make sure I am physically stable and out of my mind of opinions and memories and dealing with what is here in reality. I remind myself I do not control another’s reactions but I can continue the process of controlling my own, thus stand as an example of such stability. I realize I do not require t defend ‘myself’ as this ‘myself’ is but a character from the past. I can simply re-pay them without any mind interference. Thus, I commit to change me from an energy being to a being who moves in physicality with what is here.When and as I see myself participating within worry and fear, projecting myself into some future moment assuming ‘I will not handle it well’, I stop and breathe. I remind myself engaging in emotions around this issue is useless as it changes nothing, in reality there is nothing to worry or fear about as the issue is settled, I asked a question and they replied, simple. I make sure I assess the point as a physical reference, as what is a practical decision in the moment, and not an energy reaction based on the past or belief about myself (I am sweet/innocent/victim) or a judgement/opinion of another (that they are mean/bullies/greedy).

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that others are- or should be- aware/understand what I have experienced I stop and breathe. I remind myself to turn the finger of blame back to myself and look at what is going on within me, as my self-responsibility, in reviewing do I understand myself/am I fully aware of what I have experienced or am I conjuring up memories that have been changed over time to suit my needs? I realize that I am not always going to get the response from people I desire, as people (my ex’s family in this case) will respond according to their own ideas and ways of doing things. Therefore, if another does not respond/participate in the way I had desired, I will support myself by leaving it and not judging another/having expectations and then reacting in disappointment. I thus commit to change me.

When and as I see myself participating in the mind consciousness system’s design of comparisons-within the polarities of inferior/superior, success/failure and confidence/insecurity- I stop and breathe. I realize that these polarities result in building up more anger/resentment within me. I no longer allow energies to control my decisions and communications . I realize that trying to create myself as an idea means that I am tunnel visioned and thus miss what is here in every breath. I remind myself to stick to physical reality around this issue, I owed them money and I paid them back, period, so I am free to enjoy myself when we are all together at the wedding!

When and as I see myself diminishing myself and my ex’s family, by separating us into limiting characters/personalities, which are based on the past, I stop and breathe. I realize these characters in little boxes are based on the past, are memories controlling me within my mind participation, I can say ‘no’ when these pictures/imaginings arise in my mind. I simply allow myself to continue with my own self-responsibility and delete reactions as they come up. I realize that building up anger in the face of repeated patterns only frustrates me. I no longer allow energies to control my decisions and communications. I make sure, when seeing them at wedding festivities, I am self-honest in my expression here, enjoy the event and their company.

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“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman

Day 242: Anger at My Ex’s Family: Part 2

January 3, 2014January 7, 2014 | sandymacjones

From Part 1: I have been working on my Dip timelines, in which I am seeing how I fear speaking up/standing up for myself/ saying ‘no’ in family situations so as not to cause family conflict. I actually resist conflict because I feel inadequate to ‘handle it properly’…This is no longer acceptable to me as it is my responsibility to myself and others to stay out of energy and simply answer self-honestly in the moment.

From the above excerpt, we can see both the PROBLEM AND THE SOLUTION, the solution being a process, which I will walk here.

Thought: ‘What are they being so mean about? In common sense they don’t need the money and it was-I specified- an idea/suggestion, ‘what do you think?’ I stated. A simple ‘no, just send us the cheque’ would have sufficed. Damn, I have to see them next year at a wedding and probably at a shower or two. How will I handle this? I’m so angry at them!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, through participation within the thought, ‘What are they being so mean about? In common sense they don’t need the money … A simple ‘no, just send us the cheque’ would have sufficed’ — become angry as an emotional energetic reaction of defense.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in worry and fear at the prospect of seeing them next summer, taking myself out of the cutting edge of time (the reality of each moment in awareness), by projecting some perceived future moment, and seeing myself as being awkward/bullied/insecure or condescended to, and assuming I will not ‘handle it well’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself/think of myself as a character in a box=my past and so limiting myself here, not allowing myself to grow /expand/explore but defining ‘who I am as how I will respond to this’/ ‘this is how I will feel when I see them’ versus the limitless and freedom of expressing myself in the moment when I see them, uncomplicating the issue; I owed them money, I paid them back, period, when I see them I simply behave appropriately, within how the world system operates currently, and am pleasant/friendly and we can all enjoy ourselves!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that others are aware/understand what I have experienced/what I am experiencing /how hard I worked/ how much I gave-contributed in the past to my ex-husband’s family. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think if they are not aware of how I feel/what I’ve been through, they should be!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think they are greedy and selfish and I am innocent of this.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind’s design of judgement, bouncing around in energies up and down within polarities. Where I judge myself as superior to them and feel quite confident within this assessment and then fall into the polarized reaction pattern of insecurity and fear where I see myself as inferior to them because they `succeeded`and made-received alot of money and I did not.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional reactions of: anger, resentment, spite, jealousy, pity, self-pity, blame, fear, in and around this issue, using characterizations in my mind, for example I am the poor/innocent/kind victim and they are the rich/mean/greedy ogres. Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my ex’s family, in my mind of illusion, instead of just being here in reality; I asked a question, they said no/answered, period, staying in practical physical reality, I owe them money and pay them back.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to use the past as experiences to determine who I am here, in each moment, so not being enslaved to what happened in the past but living self-honestly, communicating self-honestly, so I simply would have replied (I made no reply as I was in a reaction) ‘ok, I’ll send you a cheque, thanks for the loan’. Then I would be free, a master to nothing: not to my mind, not to the past, not to my ex’s family, not to money.

To continue

“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman

Day 241: Anger at my Ex’s family

January 1, 2014January 3, 2014 | sandymacjones

I had an interesting dream this morning about my ex-husband’s family. I was at my father-in-laws chalet and I challenged him about the fact that I was accused for not helping out enough around the cottage and chalet. My challenge was just a few words in a soft voice but he reacted in extreme anger back. I recall, in the dream, I was surprised at this reaction and I said ‘I hardly said a thing! in exasperation. To my horror, I realized I had re-married my ex and wondered why the heck did that and how would I get out of it, lol. Him and I get along very well and have for years, btw.

Then my ex and I were in our old marriage councelor’s office ( you know dreams lol) and in walk all of my ex’s family. I thought, ‘oh no, I am in big trouble now’, as they were all upset with me about speaking up/talking back to my father-in-law and wanted a big discussion about it. I was so angry, I screamed at my sister-in-law, ‘You all don’t how much I have given this family over the years, how hard I have worked!’

I have been working on my Dip timelines, in which I am seeing how I fear speaking up/standing up for myself/ saying ‘no’ in family situations (and other situations) so as not to cause family conflict. I actually resist conflict because I feel inadequate to ‘handle it properly’. Like I tell myself I’m not good at it, as an excuse. When/if I do I speak up, often react in energy, an emotional response of anger. So many times, I have chosen to simply remain silent.

This is no longer acceptable to me as it is my responsibility to myself and others to stay out of energy and simply answer self-honest in the moment, a process I am currently walking.I am currently paying off an old debt to my in-laws, so I suppose this is why I had the dream. Half of it is paid, the other half will be paid shortly. I had asked my 4 creditors (my ex’s parents, his brother and his brother’s wife) if I could put the debt towards my son’s schooling as the four of them are quite wealthy. My ex’s brother and his wife were extremely angry at me for this and sent a nasty email to me.

So, I am struggling with reacting in anger towards my ex’s brother and his wife. I did not respond to them but will send the money I owe them shortly.Thought: ‘What are they being so mean about? In common sense they don’t need the money and it was-I specified- an idea/suggestion, ‘what do you think?’ I stated. A simple ‘no, just send us the cheque’ would have sufficed. Damn, I have to see them next year at L’s wedding (my daughter) and probably at a shower or two. How will I handle this? I’m so angry at them!’

To continue