Day 49: Can you break a sleeping pill addiction?

I used over the counter sleep medication for years, about 10 years, not a prescribed narcotic ‘sleeping pill’ but none the less a physical and psychological dependency. I started taking these pills sporadically when I was having trouble with my mind and then also when I found I was waking up, not getting a good sleep, from my alcoholism. One thing leads to another. So I was not falling asleep regularly but passing out and waking up feeling horrible and having difficulty getting back/staying asleep. Also I was experiencing trouble with my mind chatter and not being able to sleep because of the ‘noise’ in my head and being frightened by images/dreams/’messages’/information coming to me while I slept. Quite terrifying.

Desteni freed me from this dependency, no doubt about it, as I now understand and do not fear my mind (of course understanding the mind is a process). I have been free from taking any sleep medication now for one year (and free from alcohol for almost 9 years). Now it is time to free myself from the memories of this addiction, let’s begin!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so that I could sleep. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to be so afraid of myself, separating me from myself, that I had to drug myself to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know better than doctors what to do with my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the medical profession or my family or my ex’s family that they would let the children stay with me (let me raise them) if I told them I was ‘hearing voices’ and couldn’t sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to the extent I placed all my trust /respect /love outside of myself in separation of myself and got so sick I nearly died. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be influenced by guilt which was triggered by the thought, ‘Now I have a dependency on sleeping pills, I shouldn’t take them but they help me sleep, it is frightening to sleep otherwise and I need sleep to function.’

I forgive myself for being directed by the emotion of pride triggered by the thought, “Soon after I found Desteni and understood what was happening with my mind I no longer let my mind frighten/bully me at night and began withdrawing from this dependency almost right away.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on longer than I needed to , to start withdrawing from the sleep aid thinking/justifying, ‘It’s a comfort to me, it feels good, I don’t drink now so no big deal.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear triggered by the thought, ” I shouldn’t have taken sleep medication, it is a drug, I wonder what the long term effects are of taking these things for years?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt triggered by the thought,”‘It’s difficult for me to get a 9 to 5 job again because of the sleep medication, I am ‘damaged goods’ not a ‘full person’ anymore, oh well, I guess my husband could leave me because I don’t earn a lot of income, I should have married someone with more money.” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself go into an energetic reaction of sadness and self-pity triggered by the thought, ‘I am damaged goods because I went nuts, drank and then used sleeping pills to survive my mind.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize the use of a sleep aid so I could keep my ‘comfort’ knowing it limited the number of productive hours I have in a day, it is a ball and chain (dependency on a drug is an enslavement) in that I never want to run out or not have them if I am not at home unexpectedly, I need to take them at a precise time each night, they cost money , they make me groggy when I’m awake and cause me to have a rest/nap mid-day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so I am not able to be a fully functioning participant in my world and I am instead enslaved to sleep and a ‘feeling’ of tiredness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape from my reality with the thought, ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’, instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/ and receive in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by ‘worry’ and ego about what others will think of me, think that I am stupid, less than, undeserving because of my dependency on a sleep medication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping pills as my alcoholism worsened to be able to ‘get through the night’ and not wake up so early and sleep through part of the ‘hang over’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my dependency on sleep aids from my husband triggered by the thought, ‘He won’t respect me/love me/won’t marry me/ will leave me if he knows I take sleeping pills.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my use of a sleeping aid from others as in my children, family,  friends and people in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) brought up by the thought, ‘They won’t respect me, love me, will abandon me, will say I am still an addict if they know I use a sleep aid.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Fuck them, I know what I’m doing, I can do what I want, it hurts no one but me, I am doing what I need to survive, ‘if I stop drinking booze but can’t sleep, it just doesn’t work!’  in relation to my use of a sleep aid.