Day 320: Suppressed Memories Part 5: Re-Defining ‘Forced’

forceforce 2Please read Part 1 – 4  for proper context to this blog.

From Part 1: So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting beforefalling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.


DICTIONARY DEFINITION:    strained, unnatural, or affected: a forced smile.

Something I must do TO MYSELF and not FOR MYSELF -force myself- so that there is no question of the outcome, it will be done, I cannot accept or fathom anything else, I cannot live with any other outcome, desiring complete control.
So I am willing to abuse myself , I am willing to do almost anything, existent within a state of panic/desperation.
SOUNDING:    Forced =  For Ced
Fore See
For  Seed


From Part 2:  ‘…the mind can take something like vulnerability and spin it to its own benefit so that I didn’t know I was fooling myself, wherein I wanted to push my own boundaries and meet other musicians to team up with, not realizing that I was still coming from the same starting point and platform of self-abuse that has always been there throughout my life — where the ‘pushing’ was actually a ‘forcing’ adding to the self-abuse, while I believed I was changing myself.’

From Part 3:   ‘… I used alcohol to force myself to continue ‘soldiering on’ with this quest/dream, forcing myself to keep writing, connecting, sometimes performing versus gently pushing myself in a practical way, keeping in mind that I was not used to performing/presenting something I had created to others and keeping in my mind childhood/past, so that I was not genuinely loving and respectful to myself/my body.’

NEW DEFINITION OF ‘Forced’ :   A reminder to me to slow down and ‘see’ what I am seeding/what will grow in the garden of my mind and so my life, aware of the consequences I create!   To also look/see my starting point, is it strained, unnatural?  Is my body and my being reasonably comfortable?  Then to direct myself in that moment as changing my starting point from self-abuse/force to a gentle push, so I am still growing/expanding/living to my utmost potential within learning/creating but in a way that is healthy.  

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