Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced (to a certain degree still experience/carry with me as memories) of when I was a single parent: (note: I will write in present tense) where I compare myself, then see myself as inferior, to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have a hard life because I have no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experience myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by jumping to a superiority experience using justifications, blame, righteousness, anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority towards the women in my family who have more money/financial stability than I do. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical structure of the current money system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve one requires money to be organized and competent and to use this as an excuse for my emotions and behaviour, when I was given my cousins letter to read and within the memory of the xmas party.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ideas, within polarities, of : more than/less than, success/failure, rich/poor, foolish woman/competent woman. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy towards women in my family who have ample money when I am struggling financially to take care of my family/myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I hate them for having so much money when I have none, they don’t know what it is like/how hard my life it/it’s not fair/why is my life like this and there life is so great?’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, jealousy and hatred to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other woman in my family being financially stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my life to other women in my family, specifically in and around the amount of money one has. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than/insignificant/disposable and therefore vulnerable and that they are more than/powerful/special to their partner and the world and therefore safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy because I perceive they are safe, their children are safe, and they have no worries because they have ample money.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is a system/program of the mind that exist as a mechanism of deliberate self-distraction – as it brings up images of other people, connected with ideas that I am inferior to those images and then I react emotionally to the images in my mind, where I then miss that which is actually really important and valuable and real, which is my own life within and as my physical reality Here and thus don’t ever really take my life in my own hands and direct my life in a way that is best for me.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself within comparisons instead of facing the facts of my life as a single parent with little money and the troubles I am facing with my mind and how I am using alcohol to medicate myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I would face myself/my life I would be able to take corrective steps toward that which I am reacting to, which is- not having a home for my children & not being able to provide for myself and my children to live a dignified life, thus to some degree eliminating the minds tendency to go into comparisons and competition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the emotional experiences of self-pity, anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy connected with the construct of comparison and competition in the mind between how much money my mom/sister/cousin have and how much money I have – and therein believing that this construct is ‘real’ — when in fact it is not actually real, it has nothing to do with actual reality (in the past: I could have looked at the situation factually-as numbers and made sensible decisions based on that & today: I have ample money) it is just imagination, and so I give away that which is real, my own life, to an illusion, which is the images, thoughts, ideas, interpretations and emotional reactions in the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only one dimension of my mother‘s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and with blame towards the women in my family, who have financial stability. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because they ‘make me look bad‘/shine the light on me so everyone can see how I am a failure and have nothing of value to offer anyone/the world, which means I am disposable/can be overlooked/forgotten and thus be left alone/vulnerable with no one to assist my children and I, so we may perish.
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