Day 355: Credence of the Alcoholic: avoid…avoid…avoid

For proper context to this post please read the previous post:  Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

Please note, this self-forgiveness is written in present tense.

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my alcoholism on being in debt to my parents and others. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my mom, being one of the creditors, for my addiction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the addiction character and as the addiction character experience myself as superior, where I react with self-pity, spite, righteousness, and judgement like, ‘they didn’t become addicts because they had no stress about money!’ I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then swing into a polarized reaction of inferiority, where I react with guilt for having judged another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my ex-husband for the financial position I find myself in. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the depression character, as a distraction so I don’t have to face the truth of me as someone who is not facing their finances in a responsible manner, as a single parent. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then fall into the emotional reactions of self-pity/blame/and judgement, victimizing myself even further within these reactions.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck/immobile within inferiority, using alcohol as self-medication which creates a cycle of depression, so that I do not have to look/introspect what is behind it, as my responsibility to figure out the best way forward, to create financial stability for my family. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of tiredness-or a self created reality as being hungover-and so always have an excuse to ‘sleep the days away’ so to avoid facing the facts of my life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea exist within and as me, that I am someone who ‘does not share easily with another’ and react with self-judgement and guilt in regards to not sharing my personal struggles with my mom.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my parents for causing the breakdown/mental illness and alcoholism in the first place, and so assume they would not understand – so that is why I did not share. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experience character and within this hold an idea within me that I can write her a letter (meaning, this idea gave me a ‘good’ feeling/experience), like it is the magic answer/will be easier than talking to her in person/face her.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself participating in self-definitions using ‘I’ statements (see the previous blog), swinging from the positively charged ego experience of superiority toward my mom/women in my family, within reactions of blame, judgement and self-righteousness, or within seeing myself as ‘saviour’ who can ‘be the better/bigger person’ someone who can enlighten others, to the polarity negative experience of inferiority, within reactions of guilt and self-judgement for owing money, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is physically here, what is real in my life in this moment. I realize I acted in self-interest, by desiring specialness and my own ideas about debt, that were positively charged. Thus, I avoided the truth of me, that I felt inferior. I also see that I avoided speaking to my mom about the debt in reality, and instead projected onto her my own ideas and perceptions about money/loans, positively charged, colored by how my mind wants to energetically experience itself.  As such, I victimized myself by putting my faith in an idea that she would forgive the debt. Thus I commit myself to no longer victimize myself /another by sticking to reality, in relation to speaking with family members/people about issues of money/other situations, not allowing myself to conjure up ideas in my mind and project them onto others.

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Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

You can hide alcoholism for quite a while, several years actually.  I did just that, until….well I didn’t, I allowed it to take me over/possess/ consume me just as I was consuming it.  This ‘coming out’ of the alcoholic is both humiliating and at the same time almost a bother, like, ‘they act like this is something new, duh I’m a drunk, just leave me alone, let me drink for god’s sake’, very self-absorbed/self-indulgent.

Here I share a time when I wrote my mother a letter explaining  why I borrowed money and did not pay her back. My mom was understandably worried and frustrated with me, and there was a time -when she was trying to settle her accounts- when her and I differed on what we thought was the amount owing. So I wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me (life experiences) and why I did not pay her back in entirety and what I calculated -showed calculations/dates/etc-to be the balance owing.

As I wrote the letter and whenever a memory of the letter comes up within me, there are several ‘I’ statements -self-definitions– accompanying it.  Hmm, part of the vicious cycle? Definitely!  No more suppressing, here I bring these self-definitions to the forefront, to expose the thinking and eliminate it from my life/being/living!

Note: sober 11 years now.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone- that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I am exposed, thinking, ‘ I fucked up so bad in my life, my life didn’t turn out at all, I was terrible, such a lazy drunk, how could I have done that, I only need a job/steady income, I look like such a failure to my mom, my mom hates when people are irresponsible, she used to see me as responsible, now I’m just a loser, it’s so embarrassing to be seen in this glaring light…’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self-definition of ‘I fucked up so bad’, in which I connect emotional experiences of regret, self-judgement, guilt, self-blame and shame.

Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘a fuck up’ and define myself as ‘a fuck-up’, which activates the emotional experience of inferiority, this inferiority acts as a platform identity/starting point/foundation from which other self-depreciating points/personalities can emerge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as being ashamed, assuming my mother judges me for being a ‘fuck up’ for having built up so much debt and in that shame going into self-judgement and wanting to curl up, as in a ball of shame, and hide from the world.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the statement ‘my life didn’t turn out at all’ in which I connect the emotional experiences of self-pity, regret, self-judgement and disappointment.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself/live as ‘disappointed’ based on/through the eyes of my parents, as goals and ideals that I did not achieve, specifically these goals & ideals being:  a happy marriage with a home, cottage, cars, vacations, children, a secure family life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and live as the self-definition of ‘I was terrible’, where I engage in/connect emotional experiences of guilt, self-judgement and self-blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I was such a lazy drunk’ where I connect emotional experiences of shame, self-judgement, disgust and regret.

Within the regret, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a self-definition of ‘I hurt my children’ within and as me, and then judging myself for that thus creating another self-definition of ‘I am a bad mother’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself into being ashamed to the extreme of wanting to go and hide in a ball of shame inside of myself and that is exactly what I did becoming an alcoholic, I used sleep (being hung over) as an escape from the reality of my life, perpetuating the addiction cycle of being stuck/not moving forward as I was always feeling physically and mentally weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of shame, disappointment, self-judgement, self-pity, and depression to the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my parents are judging me for not being the person they thought I was, as in ‘the one they never have to worry about’ and having an expectation of myself to ‘live up to’/perform this role for my parents so they have less stress and stay healthy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, as an adult, desire more attention from my parents and think, ‘there, now they’ll see I have problems too, I need your attention too’, in that comparing myself to my siblings and competing for my parents time and attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want my parents to take care of me, as in pay my way/move in with them/help with down payment/ (when I found myself a single parent) but really desiring also time and attention, like I was still a child, rather than taking self-responsibility as an adult!!

Also within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disappointed in myself, that my parents now have to worry about me too, along with their other children/other stresses in life, thus creating another self-definition of , ‘I am a bad daughter’.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser’ and have it exist within and as me.  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of self-pity, self-judgement, self-blame, helplessness, hopelessness, self-victimization and regret to the self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser ‘.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to stagnate/stand still and feel sorry for myself because my marriage did not work out, using alcohol to medicate myself in a cycle of helplessness until I felt like a ‘loser’ instead of simply looking and accepting, ‘ok it did not work out, what can I do now’ in common sense.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the path my mind led me on -from the point of the break up of my marriage to: songwriter, musician I obsessed, using alcohol and spirituality until I became mentally unstable, fulfilling the point of believing I was a loser when my marriage ended, proving it to myself over years of drinking until it was ‘true’/manifested in the physical as problems I created being financially unstable and having to borrow to survive.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I then suppressed the fear by going into a depressed state. Thus, within this depression, I am able to avoid examining these thoughts/self-definitions and facing my own truth of who I am as inferiority, so I do not change myself, do not step up to face my responsibilities but stay stagnant, thus there is no personal growth nor life change by working through problems/creating solutions.

Also, within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that behind the fear is the belief that I am inferior, so the fear and depression masking/veiling what I do not want to face, which is the self-belief that I am inferior to others who have financial stability/created financial stability in their lives because I did not face my responsibilities as an adult, instead I hid using alcohol & the idea I was ‘special’ within spirituality (like, I was here for a special reason, to write ‘enlightening’ music lol) to suppress the facts of my life.

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Day 353: Re-Defining the Word ‘Rich’ – Part 3 of Comparing Myself

For proper context to this post please read:   Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other Happy ‘Rich’ Families:  Part 1 and Part 2

Problem:    So why -since my reality today is that I am financially stable-do I still have these old thoughts/thinking patterns?  Why do they still come up within me, with reactions of blame, resentment and now guilt?

 Solution:  To re-define words so as to live them-not from the starting point of the past-but as a living expression of self, here in each moment.

RICH:

SELF’S ALLOCATION POINT: I have lived this word, though most of my life, as a reaction of jealousy, and a self-belief that ‘I am not this , I am not rich’. Also within the ideas that to be rich means you get to relax, experience less stress and worry, get to play/enjoy hobbies and travel at leisure, that you are-or have the appearance of being a good parent, partner, hostess at a home or cottage, a competent and organized person who is ‘successful’ thus safe because the world/others see value in this person. I understand I could not allow myself to have this financial state of ‘rich’ because of a self-belief and self-definition that I was a ‘good person’ not a witch or a bitch, like, ‘I care about others so would not want to have more than another’ kind of thing, so as a martyr. I was ‘good’ = poor. I also see I had a deep seated self-belief that I did not deserve to be rich and so chose a husband who was often out of work, financially extravagant and irresponsible. As I saw our financial state worsen into disaster, never once did I consider with any seriousness, ‘hey, I love/care about me and my partner , I’m not going to let this happen, I’m going to go back to work and/or take the bull by the horns and take control of the finances in this household’. Nope, instead I let things happen/fall because I was afraid that if I showed too much strength my husband would leave me, like showing too much strength was not feminine and he would not be attracted to me and thus he would leave me, as it would make him look weak. But he left me anyway lol, almost completely penniless with two young children.

In contrast, growing up In our family home, my parents both worked very hard and the result was solid financial stability. Sometimes, when we young children and asked for something/commented on something my parents would respond in an exasperated tone with ‘Oh well, they’re rich, it’s easy for them to have that/give that to their children, we’re not rich so if you want that you’ll have to work for it!’ My dad would often overly consume alcohol (not to the falling down/slurring his words point) and accuse his teenage children of being ‘spoiled, selfish, rich kids’ my parents had quite a bit more money by then. This really stung me, meaning I really took his words ‘to heart’ but thought ‘no, he is wrong, that is not me, I am not spoiled or selfish, I’ll show him!’  So, it is interesting, I did show him by becoming ‘poor’ (by Canadian standards) and asking for loans/becoming somewhat financially dependent upon my parents in adulthood.

 

DICTIONARY DEFINITION: RICH:  Having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means,or funds; wealthy

SOUNDING: Bitch, Witch, glitch, itch

ENERGETIC CHARGE OF THE WORD: I can see I have negatively charged this word, like people who are rich are bad/evil/mean/selfish.   Interestingly, there exists that judgement and blame within my backchat, like ‘if I were rich I wouldn’t be like them, I would be nice, humble and generous’. So now that I have financial stability, I have been living the word in a reaction of guilt like, ‘I do not deserve this when others do not have it’.

CREATIVE WRITING: I have lived/experienced life with more than enough money, just enough money and not enough money. Although, I have grown, changed over the years, I am still the same person essentially, a human being who has needs to survive and thrive, neither good nor bad, witch nor princess, up nor down, I am simply here on earth as all others are here.

Today, I understand all deserve an abundant life, as what mother earth provides. All deserve a life where it is not a daily struggle to survive.

WRITING THE DEFINITION: A state of being in which one possesses all it needs and more.

REDEFINING THE WORD AS A LIVING EXPRESSION OF SELF:

RICH:  Fulfilled, whole and limitless, freely exploring and expressing.

 

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Day 352: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 2

From Part 1:  Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced and still experience/carry with me as memories of when I was a single parent: I compare myself, then see myself as inferior to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have/had a hard life because I have/had no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experiencing myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by reacting within superiority as justifications of blame, righteousness, anger.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money with: my own self-worth, worthiness in general /the right to life, how I am able to be organized and competent in my life, a belief in secrecy, the idea-within polarities- of:  success & failure, strength and weakness, the idea that money gives you power, safety and ‘the right to privacy’ whereas lack of money brings vulnerability/exposure and danger.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then blame the women in my family/women I perceive as ‘rich’ for my reaction of judgement within comparison & competition, blame, resentment, and inferiority because it is easier than facing myself/examining my life and living as to why I am financially unstable and feeling less than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a perception within me that because my mom/sister/cousin have ample money, they have an easy and perfect life. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ample money with ‘an easy & perfect life’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt for having this belief/perception exist within me, knowing the human experience is not that simple /everyone has challenges throughout their life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-pity when I think my life is difficult because of having no money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and jealousy and think, ‘I hate my mom/sister/cousin for having such easy lives cause they have ample money’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate ‘doing everything right’ with the amount of money I have and thus justify my life situation, which resulted from my own thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of polarities, specifically within my own self-beliefs. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inferior and then justify my own inferiority by becoming superior, as in I am better than they are because I am insightful /smart enough to see the truth, the truth being they have money because they married the ‘loyal/faithful/strong husband’ and I married the ‘wrong’ guy who left when things got tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy, towards the women in my family, for marrying the ‘right guy’ when I married the ‘wrong guy’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a failure/less than and then make myself ‘feel better’ by becoming all righteous, swinging from one extreme to the other and judging others in the process. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘oh, they just look goodcause they have an easy life and so never have to/had to resort to using a substance/medicate themselves, like I have to with alcohol, just to get through a day!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in judgement, anger, hatred and jealously, comparison, competition towards my mom/sister/cousin, because they make me look bad in comparison to them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, hatred and jealousy to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other women/women in my family being financially stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ they are insensitive to me, they are just stupid rich women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive they should know how I am experiencing myself.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into mind patterns of comparison and competition, within how I interpret and react to myself/my life versus the lives of the other women in my family, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is here in physical reality and feel my feet on the ground. I realize comparison/competition are both mind programs/systems that exist as a distraction, so I am accessing pictures in my mind of others and connecting an idea that I am inferior to those images, so then I get caught up inreactions and am not able to effectively direct myself with what is here in my real life! I also realize I am only considering one dimension of my mother’s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture. Finally, I understand that the amount of money one has does not correlate to how ‘perfect’ their life is, as perfection is an inner process resulting in directing oneself towards what is best for all, moment to moment. Thus, I commit myself to stopping all such participation within comparison and competitive thinking, in relation to the women in my family.

So here, I need to re-define the word ‘rich’ –from a point of comparison with all sorts of reactions- based on the past as memories of blame, hate, jealously, resentment, anger-& from how I am living it today (now that I am financial stable) as guilt, worry into the living word as how I express myself self-honestly in each moment here.

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Day 351: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 1

Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced (to a certain degree still experience/carry with me as memories) of when I was a single parent:  (note: I will write in present tense) where I compare myself, then see myself as inferior, to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have a hard life because I have no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experience myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by jumping to a superiority experience  using justifications, blame, righteousness, anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority towards the women in my family who have more money/financial stability than I do. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical structure of the current money system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve one requires money to be organized and competent and to use this as an excuse for my emotions and behaviour, when I was given my cousins letter to read and within the memory of the xmas party.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ideas, within polarities, of : more than/less than, success/failure, rich/poor, foolish woman/competent woman. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy towards women in my family who have ample money when I am struggling financially to take care of my family/myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I hate them for having so much money when I have none, they don’t know what it is like/how hard my life it/it’s not fair/why is my life like this and there life is so great?’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, jealousy and hatred to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other woman in my family being financially stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my life to other women in my family, specifically in and around the amount of money one has. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than/insignificant/disposable and therefore vulnerable and that they are more than/powerful/special to their partner and the world and therefore safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy because I perceive they are safe, their children are safe, and they have no worries because they have ample money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is a system/program of the mind that exist as a mechanism of deliberate self-distraction – as it brings up images of other people, connected with ideas that I am inferior to those images and then I react emotionally to the images in my mind, where I then miss that which is actually really important and valuable and real, which is my own life within and as my physical reality Here and thus don’t ever really take my life in my own hands and direct my life in a way that is best for me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself within comparisons instead of facing the facts of my life as a single parent with little money and the troubles I am facing with my mind and how I am using alcohol to medicate myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I would face myself/my life I would be able to take corrective steps toward that which I am reacting to, which is- not having a home for my children & not being able to provide for myself and my children to live a dignified life, thus to some degree eliminating the minds tendency to go into comparisons and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the emotional experiences of self-pity, anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy connected with the construct of comparison and competition in the mind between how much money my mom/sister/cousin have and how much money I have – and therein believing that this construct is ‘real’ — when in fact it is not actually real, it has nothing to do with actual reality (in the past: I could have looked at the situation factually-as numbers and made sensible decisions based on that & today: I have ample money) it is just imagination, and so I give away that which is real, my own life, to an illusion, which is the images, thoughts, ideas, interpretations and emotional reactions in the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only one dimension of my mother‘s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and with blame towards the women in my family, who have financial stability. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because they ‘make me look bad‘/shine the light on me so everyone can see how I am a failure and have nothing of value to offer anyone/the world, which means I am disposable/can be overlooked/forgotten and thus be left alone/vulnerable with no one to assist my children and I, so we may perish.

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Day 346: Connecting With My Body – Part 3 – The Living Word ‘Calm’

For proper context to this blog please read:  Connecting with my Body – Part 1 & Part 2

From Part 1:  What does it mean to stay with my body and breath? In the last few days I have been practicing breathing, while focusing on my body and the word ‘calm’ and adding the word ‘gentle’. Specifically, I focus on a central point in my body, with the in breath, as the solar plexes area and on the principle of ‘stilling my waters’/calming my waters…I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

Commitment Statements–Becoming & Living the Change!

When and as I see myself participating in backchats, where I go into emotional reactions in a quantum moment, which then directly creates instability in my body temperatures I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  that THE MIND’S PURPOSE is that of constant friction/conflict – erratic fuzzy fast buzzing vibration – where I am living with no clarity of purpose/running in fear causing consequential aches and pains in my body, sweats day and night and horrid nausea.  I realize MY PURPOSE: still my waters as becoming the living word ‘calm’  = stability, hereness.

When and as I see myself falling into emotional reactions of fear, frustration, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, self-sabotage – in relation to night sweats-all fueling the mind as it is building up and storing anxiety energies within me AND/OR the positive feeling reactions of: excitement, relief, happiness, hope, anticipation – if I had a night where I did not have as many sweats/a good sleep – I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself that when I see I have left the stability point of ‘calm’, instead of panic/react by essentially electrocuting my waters-throwing lightening bolts into my body/being = waters, I simply direct my beingness/awareness back into my body, meaning BREATHE/GROUND/STABILIZE/FORGIVE/RELEASE.   

When and as I see myself wanting to give-up in relation to the process of consciousness to awareness-specifically here, body/being connection-where experience myself as inferior to the process of moment to moment awareness  I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  to focus on what is before me in my day, move /flow as I accomplish daily tasks.  I realize this wanting to give-up is fear, fear of failure because I tell myself a task is too difficult, but this is only the mind racing/rushing and I realize when I break it down/look at any task point by point facing one small piece is NOT TOO MUCH.  Thus  I commit myself to stop all RUSHING (R U S self H here?) then fear cannot survive in the mind, as there is nothing to react to, as I face one small piece at a time.

When and as I see myself  becoming self-sabotage AND/OR holding on to a self-belief that someone ‘above’ me/superior to me has to approve first for me to succeed in a way that is real and lasting I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  to bring my awareness back to here, I am not a child anymore, there is no older/bigger person (usually a male authority figure) in my life that I fear has power over me.  I realize to give my power away to another victimizes me, as it puts me in a master/slave relationship with another, where I abdicate my responsibility to myself and my world, by blaming the other and this is useless as nothing changes/keeps us both stuck in roles which are limiting to self and to our world.  I can see it is rather to understand than to judge, that is important here, and I do understand it is ultimately not the person in my life-past, present or future-that is to blame/judge/hate but the systems that we as human being have collectively created and allowed to exist on earth, as in:  the money system/the government systems/the economic/legal/corporate/education/healthcare/banking/etc. systems.  Thus I commit myself to put my time and efforts into changing these systems, in the big and small, so they exist in one and equal alignment with that which is best for all = a dignified life for all = a life worth living FOR ALL.  I understand, as life source substance, we are all in fact equal here on earth, no one more than another.  Thus  I commit myself to live the word calm by using a gentle in breathe and focusing my attention/awareness on my solar plexes-while I hold a few moments- and relax my whole body-creating a stability- on the out breath.

When and as I see myself behaving in a way that causes/brings on changes in my physical body of pain, sickness/illness, thus manifesting a number of consequences: taking time away from my day, being tired and lethargic throughout the day, becoming discouraged with myself and giving up on myself, & changing my interactions with people I stop, I breathe.   I remind myself  to live the word CALM – as a steady, stable flow versus the word CONSTANT which sounds like a demand. I realize there will always be some energy-as movement- that is automated (as the ongoing functioning of the body and internal organs) thus calm can also be like the ripples in the water (& thus the rippling effect outward into the world). I realize the mind must -for the most part- become still, and I create this stillness by becoming the directive force/awareness of myself in  EACH MOMENT through breath-  eventually, one will be able to direct the body as one becomes more aware of it and it’s functioning, in each moment. Thus  I commit myself to connecting with my body with each breathe = stilling my waters = as a soft flow vs constant demand/vigilance.

BECOME THE LIVING WORD

Eqafe Series –  The Crucifixtion of Jesus

What Lives In Your Words-The Crucifiction of Jesus-Part 64

DAY 345: CONNECTING WITH MY BODY 2- Calmly staying with Body and Breath

From Part 1:  I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat-internal conversation in my own mind- like, ‘it is too difficult/impossible to be aware of each breath, I keep forgetting the gentle in breath, it’s too late anyway-I’m going to sweat alot tonight, oh forget it -I’ll never have a good night sleep again, omg I’m going into a sweat shit I failed again, what a joke I am to have thought I could transcend this – I can’t do it, how can I get things done in my day AND remember to focus on body/breath awareness!…’

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that these backchats are building up energies, creating instability /inner turmoil within my body, mind & being thus creating the very thing I am trying to avoid-night sweats!

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of fear, frustration, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, self-sabotage all fueling the mind as it is building up and storing anxiety energies within me and leading to a collapse, where I experience myself as inferior to the situation of hot flashes/night sweats ‘it is impossible, I cannot do this’ and then fall into a pattern of giving up.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am moving too fast in these ‘giving up’ moments, where imaginations are quickly flashing through my mind, seeing myself having a difficult night/having trouble going to sleep/waking up continually all night/being tired in the morning.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the positive feeling reactions of: excitement, relief, happiness, hope, anticipation after I have had a good night sleep, but then fall into a polarized negative energy reaction of self-sabotage where I experience myself as inferior to my body and the sweats and think, ‘What if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far with this thought that I give up on myself, becoming like a child having a tantrum.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to the process of moment to moment awareness, where I participate in a self-belief that I cannot stick with/remain with a point that I am learning /a new point to completion, perfection until it becomes a natural part of me/my day/my life.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by telling myself something that I have gained/accomplished is ‘too good to be true/it won’t last/I will loose this good thing’ where I do not give/gift this new skill/experience to myself because I ultimately experience myself as inferior to it and/or others, connecting the emotional reactions of fear-I don’t believe I deserve it, self-judgement as in low self-worth/self-acceptance.  I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a self-belief that someone ‘above’ me/superior to me has to approve first for me to ‘possess this skill/have this thing’ in a way that is real and lasting so it cannot be taken away or lost, whether it is something personal/internal or material/external, AND that they (the superior ones above me) are condescending/throwing me a bone kind of thing ‘little Sandy’, like  ‘ya ok, she can have that little bit/one piece I suppose’ where I am not even imagining real/lasting/substantial change for myself/my life but that those ‘superior’ to me think I am small /insignificant thus harmless so some small change in my life/world/personality won’t be substantial, won’t be a threat.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far with these backchats and reactions that I cause behavioral changes/my body to change bringing on severe hot flashes, nausea, tiredness, aches and pains in my muscle tissue of my upper arms, shoulders, upper back, neck, stiffening my jaw and causing it to ache, sometimes causing a light headedness/dizziness and literally an instability.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that these behavioral changes manifest consequences of taking time away from my day because I am feeling so weak/ill I have to sleep in the afternoon (versus a 30 minute quiet time/meditation which I find supportive in the afternoon), being tired and lethargic throughout the day, becoming discouraged with myself during my day and giving up on myself, changing my interactions with people online and in my life/familywhere I am not as patient, kind, not treating another as I want to be treated.

BECOME THE LIVING WORD

Eqafe Series –  The Crucifixtion of Jesus

What Lives In Your Words-The Crucifiction of Jesus-Part 64

Watch/Participate in our Live Google Hangouts: 

 Personal Growth: DIP – https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:    http://www.youtube.com/LivingIncome

Day 344: Connecting with My Body

What does it mean to stay with my body and breath? In the last few days I have been practicing breathing, while focusing on my body and the word ‘calm’ and adding the word ‘gentle’. Specifically, I focus on a central point in my body, with the in breath, as the solar plexes area and on the principle of ‘stilling my waters’/calming my waters.

This audio interview from Eqafe What Lives In Your Words-The Crucifiction of Jesus-Part 64 explains how energy exists within the definitions we have given words and how we need to realign/re-define in awareness the words we use so we may become the living word/the living manifistation of the words we speak and think.

I find the most successful way for me to do this is one breath at a time, so just focusing-reminding myself to take it one breath at a time.

I noticed that, as I stayed with it, I had fewer night sweats (menopausal) and I was able to sleep until 7a.m. This is huge to me because for the last approximately 2.5 years I have suffered with waking up every 30 minutes with severe sweating-experienced like a fever where I am increasingly exhausted -mentally and physically from it. Does not make for a good sleep!  So needless to say, it was a huge relief to me to find an approach that assisted in getting a good night sleep.

The mind is interesting, my mind -after I have found an new approach that seems to work- tends to go into a panic point like something is ‘too good to be true’ and ‘oh no, what if I loose this new thing/person/experince I have found’ instead of just remaining stable , seeing what works and not having more thoughts about it.  Meaning, I can see I go into SELF-SABOTAGE, which is the mind insisting on it’s continued existence within a constant state of conflict so it can resource substance from my physical body versus exist within equality and onesness as/with it.

Why do I do this?  I can only say because it is how I was programmed as my inherited dna, how my parents and their parents experienced themselves as thoughts/emotions/reaction patterns and how I have accepted this as myself and added onto it, layer after layer with each thought/reaction, within my own mind throughout my life.  As well, I can see that I fall back back into consciousness in the small moments, by following self-doubt and self-judgments, where I review something I had just done/said or follow a picture coming up in my mind of a family member or something that is to occur in the future, then I ignore it/tell myself it is insignificant-inconsequential/tell myself ‘I’ll deal with that later’.

I will examine this self-sabotage within the thought, ‘Omg, what if I start thinking when I am focusing on being in my body/stilling my mind, what if it stops working!’

To Continue

Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support  DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

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Day 339: Reactions of Superiority 3: Living the Solution

For proper context to this post, please read Reactions of Superiority: PART 1

From Part 1:  It is interesting, recently, just as I was reflecting on how the main point/main personality that I have to face and transcend in this lifetime was inferiority, I had 3 incidences in one evening with strong reactions of anger come up, where I experienced myself as SUPERior.   I can see how my mind  jumps, from one polarity to another, within reactions of inferiority to superiority (or visa versa) in a quantum moment, in order to hide my true nature from myself.

Living Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself participating in judgement while listening to another share their story at an AA meeting, with thoughts as backchat/internal conversations I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to get out of my mind and ground myself in reality here. I realize I cannot trust my reactions, as they are merely energies mostly based on the past as memories. Memories which I have stored/altered/changed the content of over time.  I also realize my inner gossip is based on my own interpretations/perceptions/assumptions, instead of actually getting to know this person in space and time.  I remind myself to slow down, HEAR the words they are sharing to assist and support me/others, and to practice real time patience, understanding, gratitude for the courage they are showing, by speaking in front of a large group of people.

When and as I see myself existing within and participating within an experience of superiority, where I connect the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement, spite, and comparison & engage in pictures/imaginations all based on past memories-how I have programmed myself-I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to get my head out of the clouds and back down to earth and focus on the words she is speaking, to- not only listen- but hear her. I understand she is from another part of the city, it was a cold, snowy night and she may have traveled by public transit, yet she came after a week of working, it is difficult/intimidating to speak in front of a group of strangers. I also realize it is to not judge another but to understand another that is important. Thus, when I see my mind start to chatter at a AA meeting, I commit myself to whisper or voice silently in my head ‘slow down’ and/or ‘calm’ and to focus on the speaker and my own breath, using patience, kindness, humility, treating another as I would want to be treated- if it was me up there sharing my story.

When and as I see myself suppress an initial reaction of sadness, coming from the starting point of FEAR, as I experienced myself as inferior to the situation because I am helpless to change it/remove a person’s pain I stop, I breathe. I realize by going into emotions and then suppressing those emotions, it does not change the facts of what this woman had to endure, so it is useless and it is harmful to my physical body.  I also see that  this woman is sober today and she has greatly improved her life, as in her living conditions, physical and emotional state and financial state, she has the support of the group (AA) today and is showing much courage, strength and humility by sharing her story. Thus, I commit myself to stay out of my mind and be aware of myself/body/breath when listening to a speaker at AA meetings.

When and as I see my mind jumping, within the polarities of inferior-as a helplessness/sadness of what another has had to endure in life- to superior-through the illusion of control, manifested as the false positive energetic experience of anger I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is real before me/what is going on in the physical. I realize it is not the individual I am angry at but the world systems. Thus, I commit myself to changing this reality/world as how it currently exists within entrapping the disadvantaged, by limiting their opportunities for enhancing/bettering their lives because they do not have money, this I do by promoting a LIG (Living Income Guarantee).

Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support  DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Participate in Live Hangouts:   A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:    http://www.youtube.com/LivingIncome