Day 355: Credence of the Alcoholic: avoid…avoid…avoid

March 22, 2015March 23, 2015 | sandymacjones

For proper context to this post please read the previous post: Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

Please note, this self-forgiveness is written in present tense.

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my alcoholism on being in debt to my parents and others. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my mom, being one of the creditors, for my addiction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the addiction character and as the addiction character experience myself as superior, where I react with self-pity, spite, righteousness, and judgement like, ‘they didn’t become addicts because they had no stress about money!’ I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then swing into a polarized reaction of inferiority, where I react with guilt for having judged another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my ex-husband for the financial position I find myself in. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the depression character, as a distraction so I don’t have to face the truth of me as someone who is not facing their finances in a responsible manner, as a single parent. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then fall into the emotional reactions of self-pity/blame/and judgement, victimizing myself even further within these reactions.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck/immobile within inferiority, using alcohol as self-medication which creates a cycle of depression, so that I do not have to look/introspect what is behind it, as my responsibility to figure out the best way forward, to create financial stability for my family. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of tiredness-or a self created reality as being hungover-and so always have an excuse to ‘sleep the days away’ so to avoid facing the facts of my life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea exist within and as me, that I am someone who ‘does not share easily with another’ and react with self-judgement and guilt in regards to not sharing my personal struggles with my mom.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my parents for causing the breakdown/mental illness and alcoholism in the first place, and so assume they would not understand – so that is why I did not share. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experience character and within this hold an idea within me that I can write her a letter (meaning, this idea gave me a ‘good’ feeling/experience), like it is the magic answer/will be easier than talking to her in person/face her.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself participating in self-definitions using ‘I’ statements (see the previous blog), swinging from the positively charged ego experience of superiority toward my mom/women in my family, within reactions of blame, judgement and self-righteousness, or within seeing myself as ‘saviour’ who can ‘be the better/bigger person’ someone who can enlighten others, to the polarity negative experience of inferiority, within reactions of guilt and self-judgement for owing money, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is physically here, what is real in my life in this moment. I realize I acted in self-interest, by desiring specialness and my own ideas about debt, that were positively charged. Thus, I avoided the truth of me, that I felt inferior. I also see that I avoided speaking to my mom about the debt in reality, and instead projected onto her my own ideas and perceptions about money/loans, positively charged, colored by how my mind wants to energetically experience itself. As such, I victimized myself by putting my faith in an idea that she would forgive the debt. Thus I commit myself to no longer victimize myself /another by sticking to reality, in relation to speaking with family members/people about issues of money/other situations, not allowing myself to conjure up ideas in my mind and project them onto others.

Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

March 21, 2015March 22, 2015 | sandymacjones

You can hide alcoholism for quite a while, several years actually. I did just that, until….well I didn’t, I allowed it to take me over/possess/ consume me just as I was consuming it. This ‘coming out’ of the alcoholic is both humiliating and at the same time almost a bother, like, ‘they act like this is something new, duh I’m a drunk, just leave me alone, let me drink for god’s sake’, very self-absorbed/self-indulgent.

Here I share a time when I wrote my mother a letter explaining why I borrowed money and did not pay her back. My mom was understandably worried and frustrated with me, and there was a time -when she was trying to settle her accounts- when her and I differed on what we thought was the amount owing. So I wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me (life experiences) and why I did not pay her back in entirety and what I calculated -showed calculations/dates/etc-to be the balance owing.

As I wrote the letter and whenever a memory of the letter comes up within me, there are several ‘I’ statements -self-definitions– accompanying it. Hmm, part of the vicious cycle? Definitely! No more suppressing, here I bring these self-definitions to the forefront, to expose the thinking and eliminate it from my life/being/living!

Note: sober 11 years now.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone- that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I am exposed, thinking, ‘ I fucked up so bad in my life, my life didn’t turn out at all, I was terrible, such a lazy drunk, how could I have done that, I only need a job/steady income, I look like such a failure to my mom, my mom hates when people are irresponsible, she used to see me as responsible, now I’m just a loser, it’s so embarrassing to be seen in this glaring light…’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self-definition of ‘I fucked up so bad’, in which I connect emotional experiences of regret, self-judgement, guilt, self-blame and shame.

Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘a fuck up’ and define myself as ‘a fuck-up’, which activates the emotional experience of inferiority, this inferiority acts as a platform identity/starting point/foundation from which other self-depreciating points/personalities can emerge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as being ashamed, assuming my mother judges me for being a ‘fuck up’ for having built up so much debt and in that shame going into self-judgement and wanting to curl up, as in a ball of shame, and hide from the world.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the statement ‘my life didn’t turn out at all’ in which I connect the emotional experiences of self-pity, regret, self-judgement and disappointment.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself/live as ‘disappointed’ based on/through the eyes of my parents, as goals and ideals that I did not achieve, specifically these goals & ideals being: a happy marriage with a home, cottage, cars, vacations, children, a secure family life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and live as the self-definition of ‘I was terrible’, where I engage in/connect emotional experiences of guilt, self-judgement and self-blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I was such a lazy drunk’ where I connect emotional experiences of shame, self-judgement, disgust and regret.

Within the regret, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a self-definition of ‘I hurt my children’ within and as me, and then judging myself for that thus creating another self-definition of ‘I am a bad mother’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself into being ashamed to the extreme of wanting to go and hide in a ball of shame inside of myself and that is exactly what I did becoming an alcoholic, I used sleep (being hung over) as an escape from the reality of my life, perpetuating the addiction cycle of being stuck/not moving forward as I was always feeling physically and mentally weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of shame, disappointment, self-judgement, self-pity, and depression to the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my parents are judging me for not being the person they thought I was, as in ‘the one they never have to worry about’ and having an expectation of myself to ‘live up to’/perform this role for my parents so they have less stress and stay healthy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, as an adult, desire more attention from my parents and think, ‘there, now they’ll see I have problems too, I need your attention too’, in that comparing myself to my siblings and competing for my parents time and attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want my parents to take care of me, as in pay my way/move in with them/help with down payment/ (when I found myself a single parent) but really desiring also time and attention, like I was still a child, rather than taking self-responsibility as an adult!!

Also within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disappointed in myself, that my parents now have to worry about me too, along with their other children/other stresses in life, thus creating another self-definition of , ‘I am a bad daughter’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser’ and have it exist within and as me. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of self-pity, self-judgement, self-blame, helplessness, hopelessness, self-victimization and regret to the self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser ‘.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to stagnate/stand still and feel sorry for myself because my marriage did not work out, using alcohol to medicate myself in a cycle of helplessness until I felt like a ‘loser’ instead of simply looking and accepting, ‘ok it did not work out, what can I do now’ in common sense.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the path my mind led me on -from the point of the break up of my marriage to: songwriter, musician I obsessed, using alcohol and spirituality until I became mentally unstable, fulfilling the point of believing I was a loser when my marriage ended, proving it to myself over years of drinking until it was ‘true’/manifested in the physical as problems I created being financially unstable and having to borrow to survive.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I then suppressed the fear by going into a depressed state. Thus, within this depression, I am able to avoid examining these thoughts/self-definitions and facing my own truth of who I am as inferiority, so I do not change myself, do not step up to face my responsibilities but stay stagnant, thus there is no personal growth nor life change by working through problems/creating solutions.

Also, within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that behind the fear is the belief that I am inferior, so the fear and depression masking/veiling what I do not want to face, which is the self-belief that I am inferior to others who have financial stability/created financial stability in their lives because I did not face my responsibilities as an adult, instead I hid using alcohol & the idea I was ‘special’ within spirituality (like, I was here for a special reason, to write ‘enlightening’ music lol) to suppress the facts of my life.

To continue

Day 353: Re-Defining the Word ‘Rich’ – Part 3 of Comparing Myself

March 16, 2015March 16, 2015 | sandymacjones

For proper context to this post please read: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other Happy ‘Rich’ Families: Part 1 and Part 2

Problem: So why -since my reality today is that I am financially stable-do I still have these old thoughts/thinking patterns? Why do they still come up within me, with reactions of blame, resentment and now guilt?

Solution: To re-define words so as to live them-not from the starting point of the past-but as a living expression of self, here in each moment.

RICH:

SELF’S ALLOCATION POINT: I have lived this word, though most of my life, as a reaction of jealousy, and a self-belief that ‘I am not this , I am not rich’. Also within the ideas that to be rich means you get to relax, experience less stress and worry, get to play/enjoy hobbies and travel at leisure, that you are-or have the appearance of being a good parent, partner, hostess at a home or cottage, a competent and organized person who is ‘successful’ thus safe because the world/others see value in this person. I understand I could not allow myself to have this financial state of ‘rich’ because of a self-belief and self-definition that I was a ‘good person’ not a witch or a bitch, like, ‘I care about others so would not want to have more than another’ kind of thing, so as a martyr. I was ‘good’ = poor. I also see I had a deep seated self-belief that I did not deserve to be rich and so chose a husband who was often out of work, financially extravagant and irresponsible. As I saw our financial state worsen into disaster, never once did I consider with any seriousness, ‘hey, I love/care about me and my partner , I’m not going to let this happen, I’m going to go back to work and/or take the bull by the horns and take control of the finances in this household’. Nope, instead I let things happen/fall because I was afraid that if I showed too much strength my husband would leave me, like showing too much strength was not feminine and he would not be attracted to me and thus he would leave me, as it would make him look weak. But he left me anyway lol, almost completely penniless with two young children.

In contrast, growing up In our family home, my parents both worked very hard and the result was solid financial stability. Sometimes, when we young children and asked for something/commented on something my parents would respond in an exasperated tone with ‘Oh well, they’re rich, it’s easy for them to have that/give that to their children, we’re not rich so if you want that you’ll have to work for it!’ My dad would often overly consume alcohol (not to the falling down/slurring his words point) and accuse his teenage children of being ‘spoiled, selfish, rich kids’ my parents had quite a bit more money by then. This really stung me, meaning I really took his words ‘to heart’ but thought ‘no, he is wrong, that is not me, I am not spoiled or selfish, I’ll show him!’ So, it is interesting, I did show him by becoming ‘poor’ (by Canadian standards) and asking for loans/becoming somewhat financially dependent upon my parents in adulthood.

DICTIONARY DEFINITION: RICH: Having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means,or funds; wealthy

SOUNDING: Bitch, Witch, glitch, itch

ENERGETIC CHARGE OF THE WORD: I can see I have negatively charged this word, like people who are rich are bad/evil/mean/selfish. Interestingly, there exists that judgement and blame within my backchat, like ‘if I were rich I wouldn’t be like them, I would be nice, humble and generous’. So now that I have financial stability, I have been living the word in a reaction of guilt like, ‘I do not deserve this when others do not have it’.

CREATIVE WRITING: I have lived/experienced life with more than enough money, just enough money and not enough money. Although, I have grown, changed over the years, I am still the same person essentially, a human being who has needs to survive and thrive, neither good nor bad, witch nor princess, up nor down, I am simply here on earth as all others are here.

Today, I understand all deserve an abundant life, as what mother earth provides. All deserve a life where it is not a daily struggle to survive.

WRITING THE DEFINITION: A state of being in which one possesses all it needs and more.

REDEFINING THE WORD AS A LIVING EXPRESSION OF SELF:

RICH: Fulfilled, whole and limitless, freely exploring and expressing.

Day 352: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 2

March 15, 2015March 22, 2015 | sandymacjones

From Part 1: Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced and still experience/carry with me as memories of when I was a single parent: I compare myself, then see myself as inferior to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have/had a hard life because I have/had no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experiencing myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by reacting within superiority as justifications of blame, righteousness, anger.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money with: my own self-worth, worthiness in general /the right to life, how I am able to be organized and competent in my life, a belief in secrecy, the idea-within polarities- of: success & failure, strength and weakness, the idea that money gives you power, safety and ‘the right to privacy’ whereas lack of money brings vulnerability/exposure and danger.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then blame the women in my family/women I perceive as ‘rich’ for my reaction of judgement within comparison & competition, blame, resentment, and inferiority because it is easier than facing myself/examining my life and living as to why I am financially unstable and feeling less than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a perception within me that because my mom/sister/cousin have ample money, they have an easy and perfect life. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ample money with ‘an easy & perfect life’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt for having this belief/perception exist within me, knowing the human experience is not that simple /everyone has challenges throughout their life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-pity when I think my life is difficult because of having no money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and jealousy and think, ‘I hate my mom/sister/cousin for having such easy lives cause they have ample money’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate ‘doing everything right’ with the amount of money I have and thus justify my life situation, which resulted from my own thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of polarities, specifically within my own self-beliefs. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inferior and then justify my own inferiority by becoming superior, as in I am better than they are because I am insightful /smart enough to see the truth, the truth being they have money because they married the ‘loyal/faithful/strong husband’ and I married the ‘wrong’ guy who left when things got tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy, towards the women in my family, for marrying the ‘right guy’ when I married the ‘wrong guy’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a failure/less than and then make myself ‘feel better’ by becoming all righteous, swinging from one extreme to the other and judging others in the process. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘oh, they just look goodcause they have an easy life and so never have to/had to resort to using a substance/medicate themselves, like I have to with alcohol, just to get through a day!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in judgement, anger, hatred and jealously, comparison, competition towards my mom/sister/cousin, because they make me look bad in comparison to them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, hatred and jealousy to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other women/women in my family being financially stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ they are insensitive to me, they are just stupid rich women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive they should know how I am experiencing myself.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into mind patterns of comparison and competition, within how I interpret and react to myself/my life versus the lives of the other women in my family, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is here in physical reality and feel my feet on the ground. I realize comparison/competition are both mind programs/systems that exist as a distraction, so I am accessing pictures in my mind of others and connecting an idea that I am inferior to those images, so then I get caught up inreactions and am not able to effectively direct myself with what is here in my real life! I also realize I am only considering one dimension of my mother’s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture. Finally, I understand that the amount of money one has does not correlate to how ‘perfect’ their life is, as perfection is an inner process resulting in directing oneself towards what is best for all, moment to moment. Thus, I commit myself to stopping all such participation within comparison and competitive thinking, in relation to the women in my family.

So here, I need to re-define the word ‘rich’ –from a point of comparison with all sorts of reactions- based on the past as memories of blame, hate, jealously, resentment, anger-& from how I am living it today (now that I am financial stable) as guilt, worry into the living word as how I express myself self-honestly in each moment here.

to continue

Day 351: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 1

February 28, 2015February 28, 2015 | sandymacjones

Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced (to a certain degree still experience/carry with me as memories) of when I was a single parent: (note: I will write in present tense) where I compare myself, then see myself as inferior, to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have a hard life because I have no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experience myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by jumping to a superiority experience using justifications, blame, righteousness, anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority towards the women in my family who have more money/financial stability than I do. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical structure of the current money system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve one requires money to be organized and competent and to use this as an excuse for my emotions and behaviour, when I was given my cousins letter to read and within the memory of the xmas party.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ideas, within polarities, of : more than/less than, success/failure, rich/poor, foolish woman/competent woman. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy towards women in my family who have ample money when I am struggling financially to take care of my family/myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I hate them for having so much money when I have none, they don’t know what it is like/how hard my life it/it’s not fair/why is my life like this and there life is so great?’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, jealousy and hatred to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other woman in my family being financially stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my life to other women in my family, specifically in and around the amount of money one has. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than/insignificant/disposable and therefore vulnerable and that they are more than/powerful/special to their partner and the world and therefore safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy because I perceive they are safe, their children are safe, and they have no worries because they have ample money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is a system/program of the mind that exist as a mechanism of deliberate self-distraction – as it brings up images of other people, connected with ideas that I am inferior to those images and then I react emotionally to the images in my mind, where I then miss that which is actually really important and valuable and real, which is my own life within and as my physical reality Here and thus don’t ever really take my life in my own hands and direct my life in a way that is best for me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself within comparisons instead of facing the facts of my life as a single parent with little money and the troubles I am facing with my mind and how I am using alcohol to medicate myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I would face myself/my life I would be able to take corrective steps toward that which I am reacting to, which is- not having a home for my children & not being able to provide for myself and my children to live a dignified life, thus to some degree eliminating the minds tendency to go into comparisons and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the emotional experiences of self-pity, anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy connected with the construct of comparison and competition in the mind between how much money my mom/sister/cousin have and how much money I have – and therein believing that this construct is ‘real’ — when in fact it is not actually real, it has nothing to do with actual reality (in the past: I could have looked at the situation factually-as numbers and made sensible decisions based on that & today: I have ample money) it is just imagination, and so I give away that which is real, my own life, to an illusion, which is the images, thoughts, ideas, interpretations and emotional reactions in the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only one dimension of my mother‘s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and with blame towards the women in my family, who have financial stability. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because they ‘make me look bad‘/shine the light on me so everyone can see how I am a failure and have nothing of value to offer anyone/the world, which means I am disposable/can be overlooked/forgotten and thus be left alone/vulnerable with no one to assist my children and I, so we may perish.

To continue

Day 249: Free Yourself of Anger and Jealousy: part 5

January 23, 2014January 24, 2014 | sandymacjones

For proper perspective to this post, please read part 1-4

From part 1: Problem: Within the above statement/thought there is a truck load of memories and associated emotions of resent/anger/jealousy, which chain me to the past. I am existing in separation from this couple, limiting both them and myself to ideas/characters which I hold onto to, to define all of us, based on memories of the past. Thus, I am unable to see what is here, as direct reality and unable to change what is here. Solution: Change my relationship to what is actually here in reality-from mind to physical-and thus change my relationship to myself and others, into what is best for all.

Thought: I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!

THE SOLUTION: The daily process of applying the following commitment statements: continuing

When and as I see myself falling into the mind pattern of: comparing myself to this couple, being concerned about how they see me, judging them as ‘bad/wrong’ because it is unfair they have so much and others do not, I stop and breathe. I make sure to stop playing a role within self-pity/self-interest AND the savior personality, where I see myself and others as weak and innocent versus this wealthy couple as the villains and guilty. I realize to continue doing so is in fact limiting and imprisoning, me and others, in tiny boxes I have created in my own mind. I remind myself our world systems and money system exists as they do because of all/each human beings continued acceptance and allowance over decades/centuries, indeed throughout time and it is all of our responsibilities to change it. Thus, I commit myself to the process of bringing myself back to the physical, out of my mind of past characters and focus on reality and simple continue moving within my day.

When and as I see myself having gone so far with this thought/thought pattern and subsequent emotions of anger and jealousy, that is is effecting my human physical body, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to participate within such a possession is harmful to my body and does not change/solve what it is I am upset about. Thus, I continue to slow myself down with breath, focus on what is before me-my physical environment until I am stabile and remind myself to not allow this possession to control me again. I carry on with my day.

When and as I see myself thinking/beLIEving/perceiving that others are aware, or should be aware of how I am experiencing myself, in and around this thought/issue, I stop and breathe. I remind myself who I am here, a being who is self-responsible as life and not a limited character based on past experience. I realize I am abdicating my responsibility, by projecting and blaming another, and this is quite useless as it does not change anything, it is not a solution. I also realize this couple were quite friendly and pleasant and behaved in ways that they were accustomed to/had their own way of doing things/dealing with things, and I was not a friend of theirs but a cousin’s wife. Thus, I commit myself to the process of stopping all such blame and projection towards another, for how I am feeling/experiencing myself and direct myself by examining what is going on inside of me/my thoughts, writing about it and living the correction.

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Day 248: Free Yourself from Anger and Jealously: Part 4

January 21, 2014January 21, 2014 | sandymacjones

For proper perspective to this post, please read part 1, 2 and 3

Thought: I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!

THE SOLUTION: The daily process of applying the following commitment statements:

When and as I see myself going into thought patterns and the emotion of anger, about this couple/issue I stop and breathe. I remind myself to not go into extreme thinking, based on the past as experience but to remain here in reality so I can express myself as life, not just a reacting robot, following a script/tape in my mind. I realize I do not know them anymore or what they are facing in their lives/how they experience themselves. I also realize I am playing a separation game in my mind, justifying my anger at life’s inequalities by projecting it on this couple’s situation. Thus, I commit myself to not participate within this thought and the energies it subsequently creates within me.

When and as I see myself engaging in fear, about being ‘less than/inferior’ to this couple, I stop and breathe. I make sure to stop using others as an excuse to avoid facing issues within myself/my life that require direction. I understand I was not capable at the time ( when I spent time with them in the past) to fully comprehend or deal with the storm of emotions within me (fear/jealousy/anger) but looking at the memories practically we always got along, I was never rude or difficult in anyway and they were always kind to me to the best of their ability (=nothing bad happened). I now see I must face my own fears of standing up/fully committing myself to self-correction and thus, holistically, the correction of world’s systems so that inequality is eradicated. Thus, I commit to change me and stop blaming others for how my life turned out or how life on earth currently exists.

When and as I see myself participating within old definitions of the words ‘success’ and ‘failure’, and subsequently the design of competition and comparison, around this issue I stop and breathe. I make sure to re-define these words, using common sense as : failure; a pause in a task, thus a process in which I re-assess what I need to improve/learn before I begin the task again, and success; the point where a task is learned thoroughly and competently so it is performed skillfully AND in a way which is best for all, if it does not benefit/take into account ALL, there simply is no ‘success’, as we are all connected and thus inter-dependent here on our ‘homeland’ earth. Thus, I commit myself to the process of becoming the living word, so I may live the words I speak and I can trust/others can trust what I speak, within and without.

to continue

Day 247: Anger and Jealousy 3

January 20, 2014January 21, 2014 | sandymacjones

For proper perspective to this post, please read part 1 and part 2

Thought: I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within a number of emotional energetic reactions, with regards to this thought, such as: anger, resentment, jealousy, inferiority, superiority, comparison, humiliation, spite, regret, shame, embarrassment, judgement of another, self-judgement, self-sabotage, self-doubt and self-pity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry as an emotional energetic reaction of defense, simply because I did not/do not ‘feel good about myself’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage within polarities in my mind, when I spent time with this couple in the past, and in my imagination today. These polarities kept me occupied within feeling less than and competitive so I was not able to respect (hold myself in a loving way/hold them in a loving way) myself or them, I was unable to focus on reality and simply be there, consumed within self-interest about what their opinion was of me and what I did not have (materially and emotionally) versus what they had. Therefore, I was unable to enjoy myself, honor myself and them, simply see the situation for what it was; they had more money and so more material possessions, period.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotions/energies of confidence-superiority and insecurity-inferiority, swinging between the two polarities because of my own discomfort level. So feeling first insecure/less than and then desiring to escape this ‘bad feeling’ by talking to myself/inner chatter or having a few drinks (I was not drinking alcoholically at this time, but still used alcohol to boost my ego/liquid courage lol now and then) so ‘feel better’ as I could justify I was the ‘better person’ because they were ‘materialistic’ and I was ‘humble’ lol or ‘feeling better’ with alcohol in me so I could ‘act’ confident and the time would pass faster.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to physical change/physically react when trapped in thought patterns around this issue/couple such as: my whole body contracts in fear and self-doubt causing my breath to become shallow, my back and neck stiffen and begin to ache, my brow creases and my jaw clenches, I create energies/movement in my solar plexes which goes into my stomach causing nausea/stress/anxiety. No wonder I could not enjoy myself!

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that others are aware, or should be aware of how I am experiencing myself , it should be obvious to them when I am uncomfortable others, and that they should take responsibility for me, blaming them for how I was feeling, ‘How insensitive this couple and my husband are, can’t they see how uncomfortable I am here!’ and ‘I am not impressed with their excessive wealth, it just makes the inequality in the world more blatant, I do not enjoy using their toys, I just want to go home.’ But if I was not impressed, why was I so uncomfortable and jealous? It was both, some jealousy/desiring the ‘good/easy’ life and some judgement of how it is wrong people exist in such extreme financial polarities on this earth

To continue
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

Day 246: Why Do They Get the Perfect Life? Anger and Jealousy 2

January 14, 2014January 16, 2014 | sandymacjones

For proper perspective to this post, please read part 1

Thought: I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger, and as anger think, ‘I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within many fears around issue/thought, as the very foundation of the thought. If I were not fearful I would not give this couple any time in my mind but there is fear: I fear the husband and my ex thought I was and am less than/inferior, I fear I am less than inferior to them in that I did not make alot of money or have ‘success’ in any other way, I have no outstanding skill/talent/ability-as in I do not stand out, therefore I can be overlooked not have value as a human being. I fear this couple mirrors this fact back to me as they are everything I am not, they are super successful /personality magnets/good looking / smart/funny etc. I was fearful this couple mirrored my failure, when I saw them, or imagined them in my mind, I saw myself as an utter failure.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand all of the qualities I wrote about above, are very superficial and thus I have been superficial in my wants and relationships throughout my life. Thus, I have been a hypocrite, as ‘being superficial’ is what I have accused this couple and others of.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to an idea/definition of ‘success’ and ‘failure’, giving them polarized energetic charges, allowing these energies to possess/control me, instead of being here/present in the moment with this couple or simply with myself, expressing as life with each breath as reality/what is before me in the physical.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my imagination in and around this thought, with projections of the future and memories of the past: seeing this couple smiling, happy, on vacation, at casinos, in expensive homes/restaurants, at their cottage.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in inner chatter/backchat like: Its easy to be all happy and smiling all the time when you’re rich, they have no pressure and no worries like me and most people, they have everything its not right or fair, they think I’m unimportant/uninteresting/not worthy of their time or friendship, must be nice they retired so young and travel the world and stay at the best places, their children had every advantage, their children are spoiled and had it easy.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the design of comparison and competition, further separating myself from my fellow man, in and around this thought, comparing myself and my life to this couple and their life, engaging in all sorts of opinions, beliefs, history, past as experience, all in self-interest/self-pity and as a defense mechanism to make myself ‘feel better’ about my own self-beLIEfs.

To continue

Living Income Guaranteed – An Economic Solution for a Failing Capitalism
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Equal Life Foundation – Facebook Stream for Unfolding Events and Solutions.
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.