Day 355: Credence of the Alcoholic: avoid…avoid…avoid

March 22, 2015March 23, 2015 | sandymacjones

For proper context to this post please read the previous post: Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

Please note, this self-forgiveness is written in present tense.

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my alcoholism on being in debt to my parents and others. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my mom, being one of the creditors, for my addiction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to access the addiction character and as the addiction character experience myself as superior, where I react with self-pity, spite, righteousness, and judgement like, ‘they didn’t become addicts because they had no stress about money!’ I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then swing into a polarized reaction of inferiority, where I react with guilt for having judged another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my ex-husband for the financial position I find myself in. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the depression character, as a distraction so I don’t have to face the truth of me as someone who is not facing their finances in a responsible manner, as a single parent. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to then fall into the emotional reactions of self-pity/blame/and judgement, victimizing myself even further within these reactions.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck/immobile within inferiority, using alcohol as self-medication which creates a cycle of depression, so that I do not have to look/introspect what is behind it, as my responsibility to figure out the best way forward, to create financial stability for my family. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of tiredness-or a self created reality as being hungover-and so always have an excuse to ‘sleep the days away’ so to avoid facing the facts of my life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea exist within and as me, that I am someone who ‘does not share easily with another’ and react with self-judgement and guilt in regards to not sharing my personal struggles with my mom.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame my parents for causing the breakdown/mental illness and alcoholism in the first place, and so assume they would not understand – so that is why I did not share. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experience character and within this hold an idea within me that I can write her a letter (meaning, this idea gave me a ‘good’ feeling/experience), like it is the magic answer/will be easier than talking to her in person/face her.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself participating in self-definitions using ‘I’ statements (see the previous blog), swinging from the positively charged ego experience of superiority toward my mom/women in my family, within reactions of blame, judgement and self-righteousness, or within seeing myself as ‘saviour’ who can ‘be the better/bigger person’ someone who can enlighten others, to the polarity negative experience of inferiority, within reactions of guilt and self-judgement for owing money, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is physically here, what is real in my life in this moment. I realize I acted in self-interest, by desiring specialness and my own ideas about debt, that were positively charged. Thus, I avoided the truth of me, that I felt inferior. I also see that I avoided speaking to my mom about the debt in reality, and instead projected onto her my own ideas and perceptions about money/loans, positively charged, colored by how my mind wants to energetically experience itself. As such, I victimized myself by putting my faith in an idea that she would forgive the debt. Thus I commit myself to no longer victimize myself /another by sticking to reality, in relation to speaking with family members/people about issues of money/other situations, not allowing myself to conjure up ideas in my mind and project them onto others.

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Day 354: Self-Definitions of the Alcoholic

March 21, 2015March 22, 2015 | sandymacjones

You can hide alcoholism for quite a while, several years actually. I did just that, until….well I didn’t, I allowed it to take me over/possess/ consume me just as I was consuming it. This ‘coming out’ of the alcoholic is both humiliating and at the same time almost a bother, like, ‘they act like this is something new, duh I’m a drunk, just leave me alone, let me drink for god’s sake’, very self-absorbed/self-indulgent.

Here I share a time when I wrote my mother a letter explaining why I borrowed money and did not pay her back. My mom was understandably worried and frustrated with me, and there was a time -when she was trying to settle her accounts- when her and I differed on what we thought was the amount owing. So I wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me (life experiences) and why I did not pay her back in entirety and what I calculated -showed calculations/dates/etc-to be the balance owing.

As I wrote the letter and whenever a memory of the letter comes up within me, there are several ‘I’ statements -self-definitions– accompanying it. Hmm, part of the vicious cycle? Definitely! No more suppressing, here I bring these self-definitions to the forefront, to expose the thinking and eliminate it from my life/being/living!

Note: sober 11 years now.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone- that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I am exposed, thinking, ‘ I fucked up so bad in my life, my life didn’t turn out at all, I was terrible, such a lazy drunk, how could I have done that, I only need a job/steady income, I look like such a failure to my mom, my mom hates when people are irresponsible, she used to see me as responsible, now I’m just a loser, it’s so embarrassing to be seen in this glaring light…’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self-definition of ‘I fucked up so bad’, in which I connect emotional experiences of regret, self-judgement, guilt, self-blame and shame.

Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘a fuck up’ and define myself as ‘a fuck-up’, which activates the emotional experience of inferiority, this inferiority acts as a platform identity/starting point/foundation from which other self-depreciating points/personalities can emerge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as being ashamed, assuming my mother judges me for being a ‘fuck up’ for having built up so much debt and in that shame going into self-judgement and wanting to curl up, as in a ball of shame, and hide from the world.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the statement ‘my life didn’t turn out at all’ in which I connect the emotional experiences of self-pity, regret, self-judgement and disappointment.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself/live as ‘disappointed’ based on/through the eyes of my parents, as goals and ideals that I did not achieve, specifically these goals & ideals being: a happy marriage with a home, cottage, cars, vacations, children, a secure family life.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and live as the self-definition of ‘I was terrible’, where I engage in/connect emotional experiences of guilt, self-judgement and self-blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I was such a lazy drunk’ where I connect emotional experiences of shame, self-judgement, disgust and regret.

Within the regret, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a self-definition of ‘I hurt my children’ within and as me, and then judging myself for that thus creating another self-definition of ‘I am a bad mother’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself into being ashamed to the extreme of wanting to go and hide in a ball of shame inside of myself and that is exactly what I did becoming an alcoholic, I used sleep (being hung over) as an escape from the reality of my life, perpetuating the addiction cycle of being stuck/not moving forward as I was always feeling physically and mentally weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of shame, disappointment, self-judgement, self-pity, and depression to the self-definition of ‘I look like such a failure’.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my parents are judging me for not being the person they thought I was, as in ‘the one they never have to worry about’ and having an expectation of myself to ‘live up to’/perform this role for my parents so they have less stress and stay healthy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, as an adult, desire more attention from my parents and think, ‘there, now they’ll see I have problems too, I need your attention too’, in that comparing myself to my siblings and competing for my parents time and attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want my parents to take care of me, as in pay my way/move in with them/help with down payment/ (when I found myself a single parent) but really desiring also time and attention, like I was still a child, rather than taking self-responsibility as an adult!!

Also within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disappointed in myself, that my parents now have to worry about me too, along with their other children/other stresses in life, thus creating another self-definition of , ‘I am a bad daughter’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser’ and have it exist within and as me. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of self-pity, self-judgement, self-blame, helplessness, hopelessness, self-victimization and regret to the self-definition of ‘I’m just a loser ‘.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to stagnate/stand still and feel sorry for myself because my marriage did not work out, using alcohol to medicate myself in a cycle of helplessness until I felt like a ‘loser’ instead of simply looking and accepting, ‘ok it did not work out, what can I do now’ in common sense.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the path my mind led me on -from the point of the break up of my marriage to: songwriter, musician I obsessed, using alcohol and spirituality until I became mentally unstable, fulfilling the point of believing I was a loser when my marriage ended, proving it to myself over years of drinking until it was ‘true’/manifested in the physical as problems I created being financially unstable and having to borrow to survive.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I then suppressed the fear by going into a depressed state. Thus, within this depression, I am able to avoid examining these thoughts/self-definitions and facing my own truth of who I am as inferiority, so I do not change myself, do not step up to face my responsibilities but stay stagnant, thus there is no personal growth nor life change by working through problems/creating solutions.

Also, within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that behind the fear is the belief that I am inferior, so the fear and depression masking/veiling what I do not want to face, which is the self-belief that I am inferior to others who have financial stability/created financial stability in their lives because I did not face my responsibilities as an adult, instead I hid using alcohol & the idea I was ‘special’ within spirituality (like, I was here for a special reason, to write ‘enlightening’ music lol) to suppress the facts of my life.

To continue

Day 353: Re-Defining the Word ‘Rich’ – Part 3 of Comparing Myself

March 16, 2015March 16, 2015 | sandymacjones

For proper context to this post please read: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other Happy ‘Rich’ Families: Part 1 and Part 2

Problem: So why -since my reality today is that I am financially stable-do I still have these old thoughts/thinking patterns? Why do they still come up within me, with reactions of blame, resentment and now guilt?

Solution: To re-define words so as to live them-not from the starting point of the past-but as a living expression of self, here in each moment.

RICH:

SELF’S ALLOCATION POINT: I have lived this word, though most of my life, as a reaction of jealousy, and a self-belief that ‘I am not this , I am not rich’. Also within the ideas that to be rich means you get to relax, experience less stress and worry, get to play/enjoy hobbies and travel at leisure, that you are-or have the appearance of being a good parent, partner, hostess at a home or cottage, a competent and organized person who is ‘successful’ thus safe because the world/others see value in this person. I understand I could not allow myself to have this financial state of ‘rich’ because of a self-belief and self-definition that I was a ‘good person’ not a witch or a bitch, like, ‘I care about others so would not want to have more than another’ kind of thing, so as a martyr. I was ‘good’ = poor. I also see I had a deep seated self-belief that I did not deserve to be rich and so chose a husband who was often out of work, financially extravagant and irresponsible. As I saw our financial state worsen into disaster, never once did I consider with any seriousness, ‘hey, I love/care about me and my partner , I’m not going to let this happen, I’m going to go back to work and/or take the bull by the horns and take control of the finances in this household’. Nope, instead I let things happen/fall because I was afraid that if I showed too much strength my husband would leave me, like showing too much strength was not feminine and he would not be attracted to me and thus he would leave me, as it would make him look weak. But he left me anyway lol, almost completely penniless with two young children.

In contrast, growing up In our family home, my parents both worked very hard and the result was solid financial stability. Sometimes, when we young children and asked for something/commented on something my parents would respond in an exasperated tone with ‘Oh well, they’re rich, it’s easy for them to have that/give that to their children, we’re not rich so if you want that you’ll have to work for it!’ My dad would often overly consume alcohol (not to the falling down/slurring his words point) and accuse his teenage children of being ‘spoiled, selfish, rich kids’ my parents had quite a bit more money by then. This really stung me, meaning I really took his words ‘to heart’ but thought ‘no, he is wrong, that is not me, I am not spoiled or selfish, I’ll show him!’ So, it is interesting, I did show him by becoming ‘poor’ (by Canadian standards) and asking for loans/becoming somewhat financially dependent upon my parents in adulthood.

DICTIONARY DEFINITION: RICH: Having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means,or funds; wealthy

SOUNDING: Bitch, Witch, glitch, itch

ENERGETIC CHARGE OF THE WORD: I can see I have negatively charged this word, like people who are rich are bad/evil/mean/selfish. Interestingly, there exists that judgement and blame within my backchat, like ‘if I were rich I wouldn’t be like them, I would be nice, humble and generous’. So now that I have financial stability, I have been living the word in a reaction of guilt like, ‘I do not deserve this when others do not have it’.

CREATIVE WRITING: I have lived/experienced life with more than enough money, just enough money and not enough money. Although, I have grown, changed over the years, I am still the same person essentially, a human being who has needs to survive and thrive, neither good nor bad, witch nor princess, up nor down, I am simply here on earth as all others are here.

Today, I understand all deserve an abundant life, as what mother earth provides. All deserve a life where it is not a daily struggle to survive.

WRITING THE DEFINITION: A state of being in which one possesses all it needs and more.

REDEFINING THE WORD AS A LIVING EXPRESSION OF SELF:

RICH: Fulfilled, whole and limitless, freely exploring and expressing.

Day 352: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 2

March 15, 2015March 22, 2015 | sandymacjones

From Part 1: Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced and still experience/carry with me as memories of when I was a single parent: I compare myself, then see myself as inferior to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have/had a hard life because I have/had no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experiencing myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by reacting within superiority as justifications of blame, righteousness, anger.

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money with: my own self-worth, worthiness in general /the right to life, how I am able to be organized and competent in my life, a belief in secrecy, the idea-within polarities- of: success & failure, strength and weakness, the idea that money gives you power, safety and ‘the right to privacy’ whereas lack of money brings vulnerability/exposure and danger.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then blame the women in my family/women I perceive as ‘rich’ for my reaction of judgement within comparison & competition, blame, resentment, and inferiority because it is easier than facing myself/examining my life and living as to why I am financially unstable and feeling less than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a perception within me that because my mom/sister/cousin have ample money, they have an easy and perfect life. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ample money with ‘an easy & perfect life’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt for having this belief/perception exist within me, knowing the human experience is not that simple /everyone has challenges throughout their life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-pity when I think my life is difficult because of having no money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and jealousy and think, ‘I hate my mom/sister/cousin for having such easy lives cause they have ample money’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate ‘doing everything right’ with the amount of money I have and thus justify my life situation, which resulted from my own thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of polarities, specifically within my own self-beliefs. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inferior and then justify my own inferiority by becoming superior, as in I am better than they are because I am insightful /smart enough to see the truth, the truth being they have money because they married the ‘loyal/faithful/strong husband’ and I married the ‘wrong’ guy who left when things got tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy, towards the women in my family, for marrying the ‘right guy’ when I married the ‘wrong guy’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a failure/less than and then make myself ‘feel better’ by becoming all righteous, swinging from one extreme to the other and judging others in the process. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘oh, they just look goodcause they have an easy life and so never have to/had to resort to using a substance/medicate themselves, like I have to with alcohol, just to get through a day!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in judgement, anger, hatred and jealously, comparison, competition towards my mom/sister/cousin, because they make me look bad in comparison to them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, blame, hatred and jealousy to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other women/women in my family being financially stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ they are insensitive to me, they are just stupid rich women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive they should know how I am experiencing myself.

Commitment Statement

When and as I see myself going into mind patterns of comparison and competition, within how I interpret and react to myself/my life versus the lives of the other women in my family, I stop and breathe. I remind myself to focus on what is here in physical reality and feel my feet on the ground. I realize comparison/competition are both mind programs/systems that exist as a distraction, so I am accessing pictures in my mind of others and connecting an idea that I am inferior to those images, so then I get caught up inreactions and am not able to effectively direct myself with what is here in my real life! I also realize I am only considering one dimension of my mother’s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture. Finally, I understand that the amount of money one has does not correlate to how ‘perfect’ their life is, as perfection is an inner process resulting in directing oneself towards what is best for all, moment to moment. Thus, I commit myself to stopping all such participation within comparison and competitive thinking, in relation to the women in my family.

So here, I need to re-define the word ‘rich’ –from a point of comparison with all sorts of reactions- based on the past as memories of blame, hate, jealously, resentment, anger-& from how I am living it today (now that I am financial stable) as guilt, worry into the living word as how I express myself self-honestly in each moment here.

to continue

Day 351: Comparing Myself as a Single Parent to Other ‘Rich Happy’ Families – Part 1

February 28, 2015February 28, 2015 | sandymacjones

Here I am exploring and sharing self-forgiveness- from my DIP course- on the thinking patterns I experienced (to a certain degree still experience/carry with me as memories) of when I was a single parent: (note: I will write in present tense) where I compare myself, then see myself as inferior, to other women/women in my family, who have more money than I do, in that I perceive them to be more organized & competent because they have more time/opportunity. I react with anger and blame toward the women in my family/women who have more money than I do. I think/believe/perceive the women in my family, who have ample money, have an easy & perfect life. Then I experience myself as guilty for having judged another. I react in self-pity when I think I have a hard life because I have no money, thus I cannot ‘do everything right‘. I swing back and forth between polarized self-beliefs: I experience myself as inferior/less than and then I justify this by jumping to a superiority experience using justifications, blame, righteousness, anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority towards the women in my family who have more money/financial stability than I do. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical structure of the current money system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve one requires money to be organized and competent and to use this as an excuse for my emotions and behaviour, when I was given my cousins letter to read and within the memory of the xmas party.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ideas, within polarities, of : more than/less than, success/failure, rich/poor, foolish woman/competent woman. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy towards women in my family who have ample money when I am struggling financially to take care of my family/myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I hate them for having so much money when I have none, they don’t know what it is like/how hard my life it/it’s not fair/why is my life like this and there life is so great?’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, jealousy and hatred to the inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to seeing other woman in my family being financially stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my life to other women in my family, specifically in and around the amount of money one has. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than/insignificant/disposable and therefore vulnerable and that they are more than/powerful/special to their partner and the world and therefore safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger, hatred and jealousy because I perceive they are safe, their children are safe, and they have no worries because they have ample money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is a system/program of the mind that exist as a mechanism of deliberate self-distraction – as it brings up images of other people, connected with ideas that I am inferior to those images and then I react emotionally to the images in my mind, where I then miss that which is actually really important and valuable and real, which is my own life within and as my physical reality Here and thus don’t ever really take my life in my own hands and direct my life in a way that is best for me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself within comparisons instead of facing the facts of my life as a single parent with little money and the troubles I am facing with my mind and how I am using alcohol to medicate myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I would face myself/my life I would be able to take corrective steps toward that which I am reacting to, which is- not having a home for my children & not being able to provide for myself and my children to live a dignified life, thus to some degree eliminating the minds tendency to go into comparisons and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the emotional experiences of self-pity, anger, resentment, hatred and jealousy connected with the construct of comparison and competition in the mind between how much money my mom/sister/cousin have and how much money I have – and therein believing that this construct is ‘real’ — when in fact it is not actually real, it has nothing to do with actual reality (in the past: I could have looked at the situation factually-as numbers and made sensible decisions based on that & today: I have ample money) it is just imagination, and so I give away that which is real, my own life, to an illusion, which is the images, thoughts, ideas, interpretations and emotional reactions in the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only one dimension of my mother‘s/sister’s/cousin’s lives, within the amount of money they have, instead of who they really are as a multi-dimensional being, and compare myself to that one picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and with blame towards the women in my family, who have financial stability. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because they ‘make me look bad‘/shine the light on me so everyone can see how I am a failure and have nothing of value to offer anyone/the world, which means I am disposable/can be overlooked/forgotten and thus be left alone/vulnerable with no one to assist my children and I, so we may perish.

To continue

Day 229: I Am The Elite: Guilt 4

November 27, 2013November 29, 2013 | sandymacjones

Please check out Guilt 1 Guilt 2 and Guilt 3

From the previous post:

Well, there is usually a reason we have/experience guilt and that reason is because we know we’ve acted/behaved in a way that is not best for ourselves and not best for all-whether it be the animal kingdom, the environment, child workers/slaves, garment industry workers, your family, etc…TIME TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
ContinuingWhen and as I see myself participating in my imagination and having inner chatter around this issue of shopping for my main floor renovation I stop my mind, I breathe and take a moment to stabilize myself, to remember I am physical being with a real body. As I now see/realize/understand when I follow-engage in the imaginings of shopping with pictures of stores/other people/past memories it leads to/I start conjuring up internal conversations and then I AM NOT HERE, as I started the mind machine and it is off like the wind. I have lost my focus and direction, and instead am pre-occupied with superficial things in this world. I have lost my dedication to remaining with what is important, self-change and world-change, rather than contributing more to our consumer obsessed reality/societies. I realize there is a time and place to enjoy making purchases for items that we need/require BUT I do not require to interrupt my day with this mind interference. Thus, I commit to continue the process of self-growth, what I can become/do in this life time and to appropriately schedule time to plan for shopping and then enjoy shopping responsibly.

When and as I see myself going into energy reactions of emotions like: fear/guilt/self-pity/blame/self-doubt/anger/regret in and around this shopping issue stop, I breathe and return my awareness back down to earth. I remind myself to WAKE UP WAKE UP! As I now understand these energies eat away at the flesh, building up stress/anxiety causing me to feel nauseous, tired and nervous, thus I cannot focus on what is before me and I end up wasting time throughout my day/do not accomplish my goals. I commit to breathing through these energies when and as they arise and not allow the guilt possession to go any further. And so I commit to the process of being ever more aware/moving with breath so I do not allow these guilt thoughts to become energies, build up and then harm the physical body.

When and as I see myself creating consequence in my life and world because of participating in this pattern of guilt I stop and breathe and declare ’till here no further’. As I now see/realize/understand I am capable to assess on what & how much to spend on various items, this was an isolated incidence of a renovation, I learned from the work and the shopping about myself and about renovation, I do not wish to focus on being a consumer but rather just do it /shop responsibly. I commit myself to being an aware/responsible shopper, when I need to make purchases, as I do not want to contribute further to a system that is compromising life-so much abuse is apparent within the manufacturing/wholesaling/retailing/marketing/advertising industries-as our world system/money system.

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Check out the Bill of Rights @ the Equal Life Foundation – a comprehensive approach to our Co-existence to ensure the Right to Life, Freedom and Dignity for All.

Check out the Living Income Guaranteed – with solutions that can be established in this life time to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 228: I Am the Elite: Guilt 3

November 27, 2013November 27, 2013 | sandymacjones

Artwork by Andrew Gable

Please check out Guilt 1 and Guilt 2: From Guilt 1: …when I look at the nearly finished project I think, ‘Ah, it’s so awesome to have this done, it looks great’ but then very quickly -almost in the same moment- fall into a pattern of guilt. It is all mixed in with thoughts and memories of the past … So there are 2 areas of guilt I must examine and correct: *about having the money to have the home I have always wanted *about judging others in the past who had nice homes

No where is this easier to see (at this time within my life, anyway) than with shopping.

TIME TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

In 2 areas: within myself to put an end to the emotional reactions AND within the purchases I make, my commitment to use money carefully and thoughtfully so as to spend my time and money on what is important in this world, not just in self-interest!

However, it is something that had to be done, I am in a marriage and my partner expects me to perform certain tasks as I am half of that partnership! So I got the job of Girl Friday: driving back and forth to the building stores/clean-up which was extensive/organizing/assisting-another pair of hands when he was up a ladder/shopping/decorating and he did the vast majority of the physical building (we did require to hire some contractors).

When and as I see myself being possessed by this thought/thought pattern I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to my body, the physical, as I now see/realize/understand I require take responsibility for my mind/thoughts and the process of directing myself in a way so I am stable in every thought/word/deed. Therefore, I do not take this thought any further in my mind and I can simply move to get my tasks done. I understand I am not to judge another, I have not walked in their shoes/lived their life. It is simply to assess how and on what I spend money and to stand as an example. Thus I commit to not act in greed/be trapped by consumerism but consider how all products/services came to be made/offered and I commit to spreading the message of LIG (Living Income Guaranteed) as what is best for all life. As well, I commit myself to remind myself I am not this thought pattern, I am merely speaking to my memories and it is quite useless, I am aware of what needs to be purchased and how much to spend. I realize it is nearly done and I have learned much and enjoyed the renovation experience.

When and as I see myself being directed by fear of punishment around this thought I stop and breathe, I now see/realize/understand it is ME who I have to face, IT IS MY VERY SELF I must account to, who am I? what am I doing here on earth? what do I want to accomplish? how do I want to spend my time and money? AND THEN ACT ACCORDINGLY. No mystery, no secrets just reality.

The rest is nonsense mind participation, if I do not want/desire guilt and regret then I must move myself in a way which I am sure is best for me and others, I must consider myself seriously and consider what and who is directing me? Are the past experiences I have lived-as memories-producing my actions? These actions being: too much time spent on thinking about purchases, too much time driving around, too much indecision about purchases, too much emotion attached to purchases, too much money spent on some purchases. The answer to that question-Are the past experiences I have lived-as memories-producing my actions?- is yes! Thus I commit to breath awareness, focusing on what is before me during my day and making decisions of time and financial management with careful consideration.

To continue

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 112: I Never Paid Back My Dad: Deep Sadness and Regret 4

March 26, 2013March 27, 2013 | sandymacjones

PROBLEM

Uhhhhgggg, back to this. It is what it is, emotions existing within and as me that are useless and only harm my physical body, so to continue with this process of ridding myself of the memories, existing within the muscle tissue/fiber of the flesh, so they do not come up over and over again in a continual time loop, causing me to live from the starting point of the past, as a character/personality I have created. Let us continue with this process of eliminating ‘the debtor’.

I am sad and often plagued by regret and guilt that I borrowed money, over a period of about 12 years, from my father and he has since passed away.

So the problem is living as the personality of ‘the debtor/the borrower’ today, even though I do not participate in the behavior anymore. To solve this /change it, one must proceed fearlessly, delve into it, see it clearly, why did it happen, what am I hanging onto? And then be/live the change so as to not repeat it.

SOLUTION

Walking a 7 year process of applying self-forgiveness and living a self-corrective application with each breath throughout one’s day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become regret and as regret think ‘why, why do I do that? Oh shit, I was always asking for money, how f**n disappointing is that for him as a parent? I worried him and he felt so much guilt, what a f***n mess it all was, and now he is gone forever, and there is nothing I can do about it.’

When and as I see myself going into this thinking I stop myself and go back to breath here, as I now see/realize/understand it is useless as it does not change the past, it leads me into further mind pictures/memories/emotions that are harmful to my human physical body, my dad understood I was a single parent and I was struggling with raising the children basically on my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am going into my mind of imagination with pictures and memories of : seeing him helping me moving to the house we are in now, being on the phone with him and him asking me if paying off my second mortgage will end my money troubles and me lying saying ‘yes’, him being angry that I used his credit card number without asking him to pay for a tooth to be removed, him loaning me money for part of a down payment to get a home 3 years after my marriage ended and we lost all our equity, him being upset and confused on the phone when I had to ask for money so my second home purchase would go through or I would be sued as I was drinking heavily at the time of purchase and did not account for the necessary money needed, him being upset about a loan my ex-husband promised to pay him back and never did and feeling terribly guilty about it, him giving me gas/grocery money almost each time I would visit my parent up north after they retired and I brought up the kids for a visit.

Why do I allow myself to do this over and over? Because I am desiring to somehow resolve the past by thinking about it, I do not want to accept the consequence that I hurt/caused my dad pain/anxiety/worry/stress as I feel guilty about it, I am not trusting my process of stopping thoughts because I do not completely understand what it means to stabilize myself here in physical equality and oneness-like how is that going to solve anything?

When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination of the past around this issue I immediately bring my awareness back to the physical with breath and remain here, as I now understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day if I am lost in thoughts/pictures in my mind, of the past, it does not change the past and so is a waste of time, I no longer allow myself to exist from/as the starting point of the past as memory experiences as this is not life but a pre-programmed response and thus I am not changing, I no longer allow myself to wallow in self-pity and use alcohol as an excuse to not make responsible financial choices/decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am engaging in backchat around this issue, of all the money I borrowed from my dad (and mom) over the years. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized I blamed my parents, my father in particular, for my circumstances during these years and justified this blame through backchat of: ‘Well, I’m only in this lousy situation because I married a man like him (my father), anyway he has lots of money it won’t affect their lives at all, I hope I am not the reason they didn’t get the house on the golf course (lol-some problem), well they always say I my schooling cost them/ I cost them the least amount of any of their children and I was the ‘easiest’ of their children so I can ask now/use the money now, it’s for the children not me, it’s because he beat me down emotionally I’m in this predicament, he was verbally abusive so that’s why I’m such a loser/mess, I’ll pay him back, they can just take it out of my inheritance, I need it now not later in life ,this is the last time I ‘ll ask him for a loan, I can’t lose my house again, I have to do this , just have a few drinks and then call him..’

As well, I now realize I blamed my mom for not sticking up more for us kids when my father became abusive and I was somewhat jealous of her (and my sister) for having such an ‘easy life compared to mind’ as they had husbands who made very good income and were very stable this way. So I justified borrowing over and over by telling myself /engaging in backchat of : ‘She (my mom) never had to make/earn a dime in her life, it was all given to her from my dad’s hard work, what does she care, what difference does it make, she never had to worry about paying even one bill her whole life, I have so much stress, she has no stress, it’s for the kids for gods sake…’

When and as I see myself beginning to participate in backchat about this issue of borrowing from my parents, my dad in particular, I stop and I breathe, remind myself I am physical as I now see/understand my father is walking his own process in the dimensions now and we are all one and equal, I stopped this behavior with my mom some years ago now and wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me with regards to the trouble with my mind and alcoholism and she was very gracious about it, I am not at all spiritual anymore/listening to my mind, I do not and have not used alcohol (zero) for 9 years now and I just enjoy music and do not engage in fantasy about success anymore and so I am able to act financially responsible today and my mom sees this and my children see this, I cannot change the past but I have changed how I live in each moment, I continue on with the task at hand grateful I am whole- body, mind, beingness- so I am able to contribute to creating a world that is best for all, nothing I would rather do!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in the following emotions around this issue: sadness, regret, guilt, remorse, self-criticism, self-blame, self-pity, blame of another, anger, jealousy, comparison and shame.

Why am I participating with sadness, regret and guilt? (being the 3 major emotions that come up within/as me)

Because I realize I acted irresponsibly with money, decision making recklessly, living recklessly as drinking alcoholically and listening/following my mind as in spirituality thinking my dreams (night dreams) and inspirations were from a ‘higher power’, writing music instead of facing my life in reality and getting full time employment and thus a reliable (or fairly reliable) steady income to meet my monthly expenses instead of only making a medium but not enough income through various ways using my home, not having the courage to work outside the home, using being a single mom as an excuse to not ‘face the world’, using ‘low self-esteem’ as an excuse to not face my fears of my life being ‘not the way I envisioned it should be’, using lethargy/apathy as an excuse, using the cold/long winters of the city I live in as an excuse of not wanting to take the kids to school or daycare before work as in it would be too difficult/uncomfortable. When the truth is my life was-in one way-quite fun and easy (when the kids went to their dad’s place) hanging out with musicians, drinking, partying. I just avoided life/my situation (having children and virtually no money) by going into debt, over and over, and then borrowing.

When and as I see myself going into emotions around this issue I immediately stop myself and go back to my physicality with /as breath awareness, as I now see/realize/understand none of this was my Dad’s responsibility and it was fully mine, as I had my children in full awareness, no one forced me to and it is not his fault the path my life took, I choose the path of spirituality and alcohol instead of facing myself and acting responsibly. I also realize he loved me and was mostly very eager/happy to assist me in this way. I realize he for the most part had enough money to have a very enjoyable life and wanted for nothing.