Problem: So why -since my reality today is that I am financially stable-do I still have these old thoughts/thinking patterns? Why do they still come up within me, with reactions of blame, resentment and now guilt?
Solution: To re-define words so as to live them-not from the starting point of the past-but as a living expression of self, here in each moment.
SELF’S ALLOCATION POINT: I have lived this word, though most of my life, as a reaction of jealousy, and a self-belief that ‘I am not this , I am not rich’. Also within the ideas that to be rich means you get to relax, experience less stress and worry, get to play/enjoy hobbies and travel at leisure, that you are-or have the appearance of being a good parent, partner, hostess at a home or cottage, a competent and organized person who is ‘successful’ thus safe because the world/others see value in this person. I understand I could not allow myself to have this financial state of ‘rich’ because of a self-belief and self-definition that I was a ‘good person’ not a witch or a bitch, like, ‘I care about others so would not want to have more than another’ kind of thing, so as a martyr. I was ‘good’ = poor. I also see I had a deep seated self-belief that I did not deserve to be rich and so chose a husband who was often out of work, financially extravagant and irresponsible. As I saw our financial state worsen into disaster, never once did I consider with any seriousness, ‘hey, I love/care about me and my partner , I’m not going to let this happen, I’m going to go back to work and/or take the bull by the horns and take control of the finances in this household’. Nope, instead I let things happen/fall because I was afraid that if I showed too much strength my husband would leave me, like showing too much strength was not feminine and he would not be attracted to me and thus he would leave me, as it would make him look weak. But he left me anyway lol, almost completely penniless with two young children.
In contrast, growing up In our family home, my parents both worked very hard and the result was solid financial stability. Sometimes, when we young children and asked for something/commented on something my parents would respond in an exasperated tone with ‘Oh well, they’re rich, it’s easy for them to have that/give that to their children, we’re not rich so if you want that you’ll have to work for it!’ My dad would often overly consume alcohol (not to the falling down/slurring his words point) and accuse his teenage children of being ‘spoiled, selfish, rich kids’ my parents had quite a bit more money by then. This really stung me, meaning I really took his words ‘to heart’ but thought ‘no, he is wrong, that is not me, I am not spoiled or selfish, I’ll show him!’ So, it is interesting, I did show him by becoming ‘poor’ (by Canadian standards) and asking for loans/becoming somewhat financially dependent upon my parents in adulthood.
SOUNDING: Bitch, Witch, glitch, itch
ENERGETIC CHARGE OF THE WORD: I can see I have negatively charged this word, like people who are rich are bad/evil/mean/selfish. Interestingly, there exists that judgement and blame within my backchat, like ‘if I were rich I wouldn’t be like them, I would be nice, humble and generous’. So now that I have financial stability, I have been living the word in a reaction of guilt like, ‘I do not deserve this when others do not have it’.
CREATIVE WRITING: I have lived/experienced life with more than enough money, just enough money and not enough money. Although, I have grown, changed over the years, I am still the same person essentially, a human being who has needs to survive and thrive, neither good nor bad, witch nor princess, up nor down, I am simply here on earth as all others are here.
Today, I understand all deserve an abundant life, as what mother earth provides. All deserve a life where it is not a daily struggle to survive.
WRITING THE DEFINITION: A state of being in which one possesses all it needs and more.
REDEFINING THE WORD AS A LIVING EXPRESSION OF SELF:
RICH: Fulfilled, whole and limitless, freely exploring and expressing.
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