Day 209: Changing my Thinking Patterns: Evening Part 6

In this post I am jumping to evening thinking patterns because I have not been aware enough to `see`my afternoon thought patterns, lol. Will get back to those. As a reminder of what we are doing here, from the first post in this series, in which I looked at my morning thinking patterns:

I have been listening to the Quantum Mind Series on Eqafe. In this particular interview, Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 46, ‘What are Living Patterns and how to De-pattern Mind Presence to Discover your True Beingness within it’ is discussed. As I listened, I could definitely relate to what was unfolding, I experience specific patterns, of thought/feelings/emotions at certain times of the day, in the morning, afternoon and the early evening…In the next few blogs posts I will examine these patterns, through incorporating what I have learned from the Reptilian Series on Impatience (part 225-228).

So, in the evenings the main thought patterns I have identified are:*about my health like worrying about illness, exercise, diet, sleeping, the estrogen I take for night sweats, weight gain. I tend to slow down a bit in the evening so have more `time`to be thinking about life in general versus my `to do`list. I find I have created a connection between my nightly bath and obsessing about getting breast cancer or cancer in general, checking my body-breasts for lumps (which of course is suggested) but I find the thought of disease-illness pops in my head quite often. I find I worry about weight gain in the evenings, as in how much I am eating, how my diet has changed since being married again and go into blame and resentment towards my husband for this.*about money, as I do not have a tennent-student staying with us right now (because of renovations) but hopefully we will by January. I become the worried wife, fearful my husband will become resentful of me, that I am not earning as much right now, to contribute toward our monthly expenses. Then I go into resentment toward him that I need to earn anything at all.*about family members: my children, my siblings and my husband. Do I need to call or text anyone. Then I fuss about dinner, who will be here, what I should cook, will it get eaten, will I just be a wasting my time because no one shows up for dinner. I think about how much time is left in the day, what I have not accomplished and often go into a reaction of stress and worry about this, I wonder if there will be enough time for me to go for a rollerblade or a long walk at the lake with Pika (my dog) or to an AA (alcoholics anonymous) meeting.

*about tv, as in what show I will watch or if I will have time to watch the nightly news.

Interestingly, I can see that my focus is not so much on my body ( being in it, being as it, within each physical breath) BUT about my body! Lots of inner chatter and backchat, so thoughts about my weight, diet, disease, death, obsessive repetitive thinking patterns each evening (not suggesting they last long, but they are there nonetheless). These thoughts lead me into energy reactions, within the emotions of anger, powerlessness, fear, stress…which can lead to illness, the very thing I was thinking about! Hmmm

To continue

`Human Rights and the violations of human rights is directly related to Money. Currently, money is the blood of the system. And the soul of money is the blood of the people. We currently have a system that costs the blood of innocents by placing profit / self-interest before life.’ Bella Bargilly

Check out the Bill of Rights @ the Equal Life Foundation – a comprehensive approach to our Co-existence to ensure the Right to Life, Freedom and Dignity for All. Check out the Living Income Guaranteed – with solutions that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Check out the FREE Downloadables at EQAFE! Educational series with Insights and Practical Support. 

Day 208: Stuck in The Same Old Patterns: A Commitment to Change: Part 5

For proper context to this blog, please read: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

From Part 1: I have been listening to the Quantum Mind Series on Eqafe. In this particular interview, Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 46, ‘What are Living Patterns and how to De-pattern Mind Presence to Discover your True Beingness within it’ is discussed. As I listened, I could definitely relate to what was unfolding, I experience specific patterns, of thought/feelings/emotions at certain times of the day, in the morning, afternoon and the early evening…In the next few blogs posts I will examine these patterns, through incorporating what I have learned from the Reptilian Series on Impatience (part 225-228).

A Commitment to Change Old Living Patterns: MORNING PATTERNS

When and as I see myself being directed by the emotional energies of: self-doubt (manifests as a hesitation versus just moving), excitement and/or apathy-depression, happiness, fear, worry, guilt, greed as I jump between the polarities of excitatory impatience and an irritating impatience I COMMIT MYSELF TO STOP AND BREATHE. I realize I already know who this person/character is but I do not know who I will be as simply moving with breath/a physical being-directing their own mind instead of being directed/enslaved by it, and so give myself the gift of establishing clear meaning and purpose in my life. I remind myself to continue the process of establishing self-trust/intimacy within my stability /awareness and keep moving to accomplish my tasks/responsibilities in the morning.

When and as I see myself having gone so far within participating in these morning patterns that I have allowed physical/behavioral changes to occur in my human physical body, I commit myself to stop, I bring my awareness back to the physical, to here and focus on my breath until I am stable. I realize by postponing I go into timelooping within morning thought patterns of impatience, which bring on imaginations and emotions, eating away at the human flesh and keeping me pre-occupied so that I am not focusing on tasks/goals that can bring about a world that is best for all. Thus I commit to change me.

When and as I see myself having gone so far within participating in these morning patterns that I have manifest consequence in my life/living I stop, I breathe. I realize, as I am part of the whole, what I do/who I am within each day, directly and indirectly effects the life of others and of the planet. I remind myself I have to but, in awareness direct myself to begin/start with the first step and focus my attention there and not get lost in the mind with feelings/emotions of overwhelmingness and impatience. Thus, I commit myself to learn/progress, within physical space/time reality in each moment, and thus be able to share/give what I have learned to assist and support others/my world.

‘Human Rights and the violations of human rights is directly related to Money. Currently, money is the blood of the system. And the soul of money is the blood of the people. We currently have a system that costs the blood of innocents by placing profit / self-interest before life.’ Bella Bargilly

Check out the Bill of Rights @ the Equal Life Foundation – a comprehensive approach to our Co-existence to ensure the Right to Life, Freedom and Dignity for All. Check out the Living Income Guaranteed – with solutions that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.
Check out the FREE Downloadables at EQAFE! Educational series with Insights and Practical Support.

Day 207: A Commitment to Change my Morning Living Patterns: Part 4

For proper context to this blog, please read:  Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

From Part 1:   I have been listening to the Quantum Mind Series on Eqafe.  In this particular interview, Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 46, ‘What are Living Patterns and how to De-pattern Mind Presence to Discover your True Beingness within it’ is discussed. As I listened, I could definitely relate to what was unfolding, I experience specific patterns, of thought/feelings/emotions at certain times of the day, in the morning, afternoon and the early evening…In the next few blogs posts I will examine these patterns, through incorporating what I have learned from the Reptilian Series on Impatience  (part 225-228).

A Commitment to Change Old Living Patterns:  MORNING PATTERNS

When and as I see myself existing unaware and going into an energy shift in the morning/mid morning, where my beingness and my personality merge, I stop and breathe and remind myself to be physically here/present in this moment. So I commit myself to no longer fall prey to shifting/changing energies telling me I am tired or, in polarity super motivated, instead I stabilize and move with breath-no energy required, just me here.

When and as I see myself participating within an irritating impatience with the thought/thinking patterns like ‘there is too much to do/I am overwhelmed/I can’t do this!’  I stop and breathe. I remind myself to slow down and to simply focus on the first step, whether it is one of many small tasks within a day or the first step of a large goal, to give my full attention to the one point to start, make a start, physically move and not remain in my mind of inaction controlled by fear.  I commit myself to this self-change.

When and as I see myself allowing my mind of fear to tell me I am limited in my abilities/not capable to accomplish certain ‘large’ goals but just ‘the little things’ in life I stop and breathe.  I remind myself everything is -one step/point at a time-a little thing, it is the little things that make up the big things and it is a trick of the mind to make me BE-LIEve something is apparently ‘difficult’ because it is more complex/intricate/take longer to accomplish and therefore I should not try or I should give up.  But time goes by regardless and so I commit to the process facing daily small/large tasks without slotting them into boxes in my mind of ‘easy/difficult’ within polarities.

When and as I see myself engaging within pictures in my mind/imaginations of how I can ‘get out of’ doing a task/postponing and thereby not facing the first step of a goal/task, I stop, I breathe.  I realize I am but lying to myself and this is a waste of my time because then I go into connecting to memories and using energies which deplete my physical body and make me feel tired. OR I go into excitement about how I have already done it/I see it done and then I actually don’t take the real, physical steps to do it reality!  And so I commit to stay out of my mind of pictures and to stay real/get back down to earth, to real space and time and move myself to get things done.

When and as I see myself engaging within backchat, with the ‘same old, same old’ dialogues/inner conversations  that I use to manipulate myself in the morning to avoid facing/accomplishing my responsibilities I stop, I breathe and commit to stopping this pattern once and for all so as to move throughout my morning with more ease and not have to ‘carry’ these thoughts further and then go into worry and guilt emotions about what I did not do, as it is useless, a waste of time and has the effect of me not changing me but continuing to live as a programmed robot, within cycling thought patterns. I commit to prioritizing my mornings to giving my attention, value, meaning, definition to substantiate my beingness through physical living!

‘Human Rights and the violations of human rights is directly related to Money. Currently, money is the blood of the system. And the soul of money is the blood of the people. We currently have a system that costs the blood of innocents by placing profit / self-interest before life.’  Bella Bargilly

Check out the Bill of Rights @ the Equal Life Foundation – a comprehensive approach to our Co-existence to ensure the Right to Life, Freedom and Dignity for All. Check out the Living Income Guaranteed – with solutions that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Check out the FREE Downloadables at EQAFE! Educational series with Insights and Practical Support. 

Day 206: How To Change Your Living Patterns: Part 3

For proper context to this blog, please read:  Part 1 and Part 2

From Part 1:   I have been listening to the Quantum Mind Series on Eqafe.  In this particular interview, Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 46, ‘What are Living Patterns and how to De-pattern Mind Presence to Discover your True Beingness within it’ is discussed. As I listened, I could definitely relate to what was unfolding, I experience specific patterns, of thought/feelings/emotions at certain times of the day, in the morning, afternoon and the early evening…In the next few blogs posts I will examine these patterns, through incorporating what I have learned from the Reptilian Series on Impatience  (part 225-228).

Re-Programming Old Living Patterns: Impatience: MORNING PATTERNS

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that by participating within these morning thought patterns I then experience, some or all of the following, firstly within the negative: worry, fear, overwhelmingness, dread, anxiety, tiredness and then, to replace the negative energy experience with a positive one which will make me ‘feel better’:  relief, calm, excitement, happiness.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that these reaction of engery are in polarity and are in fact a lie, just patterns keeping me locked into a perpetual way of looking at my life and world within personalities-directing me- AND THUS I DO NOT GIVE MYSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHANGE FOR REAL AND/OR ACCOMPLISH CERTAIN GOALS WITHIN MY DAY AND LIFE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that I am moving myself within impatience each morning, as either an excitatory impatience-feeling super excited and motivated and going into a ‘high’ energy which inevitably drops me back down to earth (as it is all mind) with a crash OR a irritating impatience where I review several tasks or learn something new and I feel overwhelmed/like it is ‘too much’ and want to give up and going into a depleted/low energy experience, thereby not being aware that I AM EXISTING WITHIN POLARITES OF MIND ENERGY AND NOT REALITY.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that by engaging my mind in these morning thought patterns-which have become AUTOMATIC living patterns- I then participate in behavioral changes/changes within my body, such as: a tightening/tension within my shoulder, upper back and facial muscles, holding my breath or shallow breathing, anxiety within my solar plexes which creates a nauseous feeling and disturbs normal digestion.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how engaging unaware, within these habitual morning patterns of impatience, consequence manifests in my life/living, and as I am part of the whole, the life of others and of the planet.  These consequence being: I create stress/anxiety in the body that causes me to tire easily/need more sleep in order for the body to recover, I create sickness as in digestion/stomach related problems,  which in turn causes me to be less productive in my day, I do not accomplish long term goals to a competent level ie. learning to play an instrument but just quickly learning ‘enough’ to get by (because of impatience-so get energized/motivated for change/success for a certain time period only and then crash) thereby not allowing myself to effectively learn/progress, within physical space/time reality in each moment, and thus be able to share/give what I have learned to assist and support others/my world.

Q & A Living Income Guaranteed

basicincome.me.

day 205: Re-Programming old Living Patterns: Part 2

For proper context to this blog, please read: Day 204:  Living patterns: Impatience: Morning Part 1

Form Part 1:   I have been listening to the Quantum Mind Series on Eqafe.  In this particular interview, Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 46, ‘What are Living Patterns and how to De-pattern Mind Presence to Discover your True Beingness within it’ is discussed. As I listened, I could definitely relate to what was unfolding, I experience specific patterns, of thought/feelings/emotions at certain times of the day, in the morning, afternoon and the early evening…In the next few blogs posts I will examine these patterns, through incorporating what I have learned from the Reptilian Series on Impatience  (part 225-228).

Re-Programming Old Living Patterns: Impatience: MORNING PATTERNS

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my beingness and personality merge throughout certain times in the day, creating a shift within me, an energy shift and I require to re-program me to stop this from running my daily life!

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I experience myself as overwhelmed each mid-morning and I accept this AS MYSELF-my real self-when my beingness behind this pattern could be the opposite-a being is facing tasks without mind interference/and physically practically gets things done, a being who is unlimited/undefined and /or NOT constricted by self-definitions from the past/free from blaming others/circumstances/time and as such does not allow emotions such as inferiority, incompetency, less than direct her into hiding/giving-up before she has even begun a task in any seriousness but faces and moves  through/with/as life fearlessly (not recklessly, lol).

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energy shift-mid morning-after experiencing myself quite stable in the early morning- in which I participate in a reaction of irritating impatience and a drop/shift in energy, after reviewing in my mind my daily tasks/responsibilities/to do list, I can see the same thought comes up, ‘There is just too much to do/I cannot get all this done’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and an allowing myself to continually each day mid-morning think, ‘This is too much/I can’t do this’.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding how I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought then direct /control my day, how I move myself, tell me who I am and what I can accomplish or not accomplish, thus limit me in my day to day actions.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to be in charge, as the foundation of this thought, the fear that I am ‘not enough’/capable/comparing myself to others who I perceive have more to offer/fear of ‘hard’ work and so instead I fall into the polarity of giving up AND/OR limiting what I BE-LIE-ve I am capable to accomplish so do not begin the first step of a goal, I just do the ‘little’ daily chores/tasks.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in my imagination seeing myself having a nap/a cigarette/shopping/small chores in the car/phoning someone/seeing what tv show I want to watch that evening-as replacing what I perceive to be a negative energy experience (facing daily tasks and facing new goals-learning something new) with a reward/positive experience so that I ‘feel better’/relieved.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing/understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the same backchat each mid-morning like, ‘I can do less today/what should I make for dinner?/nap/I can put a load of laundry on/I can do that tomorrow/when will I ‘exercise’?/maybe I’ll go to an AA meeting tonight if I get all my work done/I need to call X/I’ll just zip out in the car for a break…’ giving myself ‘an out’/excuses for not facing my responsibilities and new projects/goals first-so postponing-within each day and then wasting time having a nap in the afternoon (at least 1 hour taken up-don’t mind resting the body for 30 minutes each afternoon but this can be done in a chair downstairs not the bedroom).  Therefore, time goes by, days turn into weeks, months, years and I have never changed myself/my living for real so as to accomplish certain goals.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand this happens because I have not established clear meaning and purpose within/towards my life and that I require to align my mind and physical living towards this meaning and purpose and  then make the decision and DO IT!

To Continue

An Economist’s Journey To Life:

Q & A Living Income Guaranteed

basicincome.me.

Day 204: Living Patterns: Impatience-Morning

I have been listening to the Quantum Mind Series on Eqafe.  In this particular interview, Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 46, ‘What are Living Patterns and how to De-pattern Mind Presence to Discover your True Beingness within it’ is discussed.

As I listened, I could definitely relate to what was unfolding, I experience certain and specific patterns, of thought/feelings/emotions at certain times of the day, in the morning, afternoon and the early evening.  Although I was becoming more aware of these patterns, the interview really hit home how I have allowed myself to be directed and controlled by these energy patterns.  I say ‘energy’ patterns because, for me, each has a energy ‘sigNature‘ or intensity to them, which is accompanied by an all too familiar backchat/inner conversation, emotion, and changes in my physical body.

So….who’s in charge here?  The mind, as consciousness systems is in charge!! I am but following, acting as an energy slave, allowing and accepting my mind to, each day, continuously timeloop- using pictures/memories/experiences from the past to tell me who I am/how to feel and how to act, in patterns according to the time of day.  So, as a result, I do not move with the physical and get things done, I do not move forward and try new things in life, I limit myself because of these accepted patterns defining who I am and what I am capable of.

This is no longer acceptable to me. I do not want to be breathing my last breath and regret what I did not do /who I did not live as in thought/word/deed, wondering ‘where did the time go, why did I not contribute to my world and myself, why did I never accomplish much?’

These living patterns, for the most part, have to do with  participating in the emotions of fear/worry/impatience  (I will refer to as irritating impatience)  with the thought, ‘there is not enough time to get all of this done/this is too much information/too big a goal for me to take on’ with regards to looking at my daily list of chores/responsibilities or if I am considering a new project/goal.  Then I fall into the trap of depleting my energy and so I feel tired and use that feeling as an excuse to have a nap/pass the day so by the time I get up I can justify, ‘well, there just isn’t enough time to do that today, I’ll do it tomorrow’.

Note:  sounds eerily similar to , ‘I’ll quit tomorrow’ when the pattern was drinking.  Of course one can replace ‘drinking‘ with any substance/behavioral addiction.  

And/OR I go into the polarity of excitement about something new I learned/an idea I have for a future project/the prospect of money coming/how beautiful the day is.  In these instances, I engage in an energy reaction of feeling super motivated (I will refer to as excitatory impatience) and see images in my mind as if it is already done.  So then I don’t actually take the steps/the first step and DO IT in physical reality.

Either way, I end up not accomplishing goals/changing my life and living.

The goal here is to re-program the mind, to release the living patterns of the past and, in a quantum moment, make the decision to change and really apply it/be it /live it!

In the next few blogs posts I will examine these patterns, through incorporating what I have learned from the Reptilian Series on Impatience  (part 225-228) and the above mentioned Quantum Mind interview, combining the two because I can see much of my patterns have to do with impatience. Firstly, in a reaction of irritating impatience (giving-up, wanting to do too little) and then in a reaction of excitatory impatience (feeling of motivation-wanting to do too much), as I definitely experience both, sometimes separately and sometimes one right after the other.

MORNING PATTERNS

Looking at this morning, which is a fairly typical morning for me, I can see I felt quite stable with breath at the start. I was moving easily, until my mind started going through the list, the dreaded list lol, of daily responsibilities.  As I continued to participate in my mind with pictures and memories, I felt my body go into anxiety/a hyper buzzing inside and then I had the thought, ‘It’s just all too much, I don’t want to do all this now, maybe I’ll do it later/tomorrow’ Then I had the thought ‘sleep/nap’, I quickly go through my day (as in planning it) and see what I can postpone/put off, I think of having a cigarette, I start to get tired/feel depleted, I allow myself to cut down my ‘to do’ list in my mind, I think ‘I’ll just do this easy chore and then enjoy walking to the bank/store and do my writing later’. I feel ‘better’ as in less stress and justify to myself the little things need to get done anyway and it doesn’t matter in what order I do things.

THE RESULT:  I always get the easy/little chores done but not the TASKS that will change my life or anyone else, meaning moving me so as to  grow/expand/be an unlimited being/change/contribute something to others and  my world of value.  Living within and as these mind patterns keeps me stuck, going round and round listening to my mind tell me ‘I can’t, it’s too hard, I’m not as capable as others, I have nothing to contribute…’ an inner voice constantly self-sabotaging me.

I can see that there is a direct correlation between this pattern of impatience and the addiction to excitement/the roller-coaster ride that is  alcoholism (any substance abuse/addictive behavior really).  We have become energy slaves, feeding into the highs and lows, cycling without being aware of what we are participating in.

You know…there cannot be the high if there is not the low, therefore it is stability, moving throughout ones day within a confident hereness/awareness that is required to overcome living patterns of impatience.  We do not require differing energy states throughout the day, in fact, I have found when I remain here with breath (meaning, no mind interference just moving through tasks physically) , I do not feel tired until 11 or 12 at night, at which time it is appropriate to rest the body/sleep for 4-6 hours.  I have proven to myself that I can overcome/change my nature, wanting to either run/do too much (move with excitatory impatience = a high energy feeling) or wanting to do nothing (move with irritating impatience = low energy feeling like sleeping).

So why do I just not live my true nature now?  Well, I have programmed myself, over many years, so I must physically work this out of my body, through the process of writing, self-forgiveness and applying a daily self-corrective application  in order for the change to be real/substantiated/effecting lasting change.

To continue

An Economist’s Journey To Life:

Q & A Living Income Guaranteed

basicincome.me.

Day 203: Stop Taking it So Personally! Part 3

Taking Things Personally:  Part 1

Taking Things Personally:  Part 2

From Part 1:  I have been listening to the Reptilian series on ‘Taking Things Personally’…I can see that I have lived ‘on guard’ … which really harms/limits my relationship to others and to myself, as it’s sole purpose is to create mistrust. Therefore, I keep my distance …This guard is forever looking/fishing for a certain look/word/movement, any little thing to take personally from the other person, which I will then jump all over as it is validating what I have already been brewing in my own mind.  So, what is in and behind this thought?

Thought:  ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’

Continuing:

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize and understand how engaging in my mind of memories/backchat/emotion gets me all worked up and limits my interaction with this person, as I  live in the past as memories, and has the consequence of bringing on physical body changes like: stress building from the emotional energy created in my solar plexes- causing my stomach/neck/shoulder muscles to tighten and stiffen,  shortness of breath, increased heart rate, slight headache at the back of my head and forehead.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize and understand the many consequences of taking things personally with this person creates, as:  I completely separate myself from her and thus destroy any chance of a relationship of support/enjoyment/sharing with her, this has a wide reaching effect as cutting off others we mutually know-or will come in contact with-within the AA (alcoholics anonymous) community who may require support/assistance, I feed my mind, validating/strengthening memories as opinions/assumptions/emotions instead of strengthening my stand here as life-speaking self-honestly in the moment, I live in delusion and not here in reality, I do not ‘do unto another as I would have them do unto me’ when I judge and separate myself from this woman based on the past as memories.

Solution:  Self-Corrective Application

When and as I see myself avoiding this woman and hiding behind a person I label as ‘easy to talk to’ I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself I am a physical being and to treat her as I would want to be treated, and so to refuse to take every little thing personally with this woman, by remaining out of my mind of the past, when I am with her.  I no longer accept and allow myself to access my imagination/imagining her criticizing me thereby creating all sorts of energy inside my body, essentially allowing my mind in that moment to direct me instead of directing myself and thereby allowing myself to say hello. I commit myself to my physicality by remaining with breath when I am with her and commit to speaking with her at the next AA meeting.

When and as I see myself being controlled by fear of this woman’s disapproval, by projecting my own fears onto her, I stop, I breathe.  I realize whatever is going on inside my own mind is my responsibility. It is useless to blame another as then I never can face myself for real and effect a change!  I understand she was -for the most part-kind  and supportive of me in the past, I have context of the past so do not require memories/pictures coming up in my mind creating fear, and I can trust myself/remind myself  that some people, unfortunately, participate in gossip therefore cannot be trusted and behave accordingly with her.  I remind myself, I know who I am and why I have chosen my means of income (I have foreign students boarding in our home) thus I do not require to doubt/judge myself as ‘not good enough’ and project this fear onto another in blame. I am here, I am doing this.

When and as I see myself participating within my mind of imagination and spiteful backchat about this woman I stop and bring myself back to the physical, with what is real before me, with breath.  I realize, when I see her at a meeting i can simply in that moment decide if I want to talk with her and walk up and do so-no thinking required!  I understand, in that way, I can communicate self-honestly -and I commit to stay with breath during our interaction/conversation and NOT take her movements/voice tonality personally but to stay aware of any/all movements/reactions within myself, so as to correct myself in the moment and carry on with the conversation.

When and as I see myself engaging/conjuring up emotions, as I have allowed the mind to take me down the rabbit hole by following the first thought, Be-LIE ving  ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’ when all that was before me in reality was this woman-no more no less- everything else is self-created and therefore my responsibility to correct. I commit to be present in any interactions with her in any given moment, when I see her at AA meetings.

When and as I see I have taken this thought-taking things personally -so far that it has created stress/uncomfortability within my physical human body, I stop , I breathe and remind myself breath is the physical means/tool we use to re-constitute the body/heal/bring the body back to it’s natural state, as what is here as life. I realize I am one and equal to this woman and also to everything that I allow within myself. I remind myself to treat her as I would want to be treated, thus no longer accept and allow myself to drag around the past and forgive/let it go and so also let go of the consequence of physical changes happening within me, when we have an interaction or I simply see her at a meeting.

When and as I see myself creating consequences from taking things personally with this woman I stop, I breathe.  I now see/realize and understand, although I do not control others, I do control-am responsible to control -what is going on in my own mind, so to stop all inner chatter about this woman, which is causing a separation between us.  I also understand I do not enjoy the company of some beings as much as others, for various reasons, but I do not require to use my mind to know this. I realize I no longer find it acceptable to exist unaware, as a hypocrite, who holds ‘grudges’ against another, instead I commit to ‘do unto another…’ in self-honesty and be here in the physical with another being. I also understand I no longer accept the blind strengthening of my mind but make the decision in each moment to choose to strengthen my stand as a physical being. I am here, I commit to change me!

An Economist’s Journey To Life:

Q & A Living Income Guaranteed

basicincome.me.

Day 202: How to Stop Taking Things Personally Part 2

Taking Things Personally: Part 1

From Part 1:  I have been listening to the Reptilian series on ‘Taking Things Personally’…I can see that I have lived ‘on guard’ … which really harms/limits my relationship to others and to myself, as it’s sole purpose is to create mistrust. Therefore, I keep my distance …so I never have the opportunity to develop a relationship that is supportive or meaningful with several people…It is interesting, as I choose a person to approach to investigate this point, to see what thoughts/backchat come up in my mind, and was planning to do so last night. It was an AA medallion (alcoholics anonymous celebration of so many years of sobriety) for a woman we both know.  When I saw her, the thought that came up was, ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’ and instead of being aware I beLIEved my own backchat and avoided her!  But that was the very point of the exercise, lol, to choose someone whom I don’t feel quite comfortable with/uneasy with/want to limit my time/interaction with.  So, what is in and behind this thought?

Thought:  ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize/understand how this thought controlled me in that moment and how it exists within me to the extent I was not even aware when it came up and so I missed an opportunity to share/explore/express/support myself and another and instead chose to  hide, as in I hid behind someone who was ‘easy’ to be with/talk to because I have no mind reaction to them.

In that, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize/understand that I have a guard in my mind, forever ‘on the lookout’ for any little thing-excuse-to stay away/avoid interaction with another.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize/understand how I am taking things personally with this woman, letting fear direct and control me, fear that her movements mean something or that a certain way she looks at me /tone in her voice lead me into the fear and assumption that she disapproves of most things about me/my life, the fear that I will have to ‘work hard’ to prove to her I am ‘ok’/fun/happy and this takes too much energy, the fear she will criticize me to others. Thus, I am solely focusing outward onto her and I require to focus my attention/shift my attention inward to my own reaction.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to use her as an excuse to not examine my own fears, my own self-doubt and insecurities about the direction my life has taken, the decisions I have made, and I am projecting these fears onto her.  As, when I really look at this self-honestly, whatever this woman thinks/doesn’t think about me, I would not change my direction in life/how I appear physically/who I am/what I stand for.  When I slow myself down, I can see I have been very ‘defensive‘ my entire life and am still somewhat today. I need to remind myself why I did not pursue a career which could have made a substantial amount of money ( I did not pursue a real estate career after I got my license)  and just work part-time at home now, I require to remind myself I am capable to contribute to implementing a Living Income Guaranteed-as a part of the whole AND STOP BLAMING/fearing others judgement of me WHEN I JUDGE MYSELF/my decisions as fearing I have made the wrong decisions making me financially vulnerable/being selfish/as naive-you can’t change the world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize/understand how I participate within my mind of imagination, picturing her looking me up and down in a disgusted way, like I don’t ‘measure up‘ anymore or gossiping about me with another woman.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize/understand how I participate within my mind of backchat/inner conversation telling me all sorts of lies/assumptions, all very spiteful in nature, accusing her of being superficial and spiteful toward me when this dialogue is coming from inside of ME!!

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself  to see/realize/understand how taking every little thing this woman does/says personally gets me out of reality in that moment and jumping into the mind, where I engage in backchat, then feeding on all the nasty internal gossip leads me into a cornucopia/feast of emotions: spitefulness, anger, resentment, blame, judgement, inferiority, superiority, guilt, jealousy, fear…so I am so worked up with energy, it is no wonder I think, ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’ BECAUSE I HAVE MADE IT SO IN MY MIND.

To continue in the next post

An Economist’s Journey To Life:

Q & A Living Income Guaranteed

basicincome.me.

Day 201: Why do we take things personally?

I have been listening to the Reptilian series on ‘Taking Things Personally’ and I am somewhat perplexed and overwhelmed. As I heard and considered what was being shared, I started to make a list of people  who I think, ‘oh yeah, I can see I take things personally with that person’ but the list just got longer and longer. I start to panic and think, ‘oh shit, I do that with almost everyone, all the time!’

So, ONCE AGAIN, I need to slow myself down, (committed to doing the 21 DAY BREATHING CHALLENGE) go back to the body and back to breath.

I can see that I have lived ‘on guard’/with a guard in my own mind, in fear actually of being attacked/criticized my entire life (from about 3 years on).  This ‘guard’ in my mind really harms/limits my relationship to others and to myself, as it’s sole purpose is to create mistrust. Therefore, I ‘keep my distance’ or keep my interaction at a minimum with this person and that person, so I never have the opportunity to develop a relationship that is mutually supportive or meaningful in an unconditional way, with these certain people.

This guard is forever looking/fishing for a certain look/word/movement, any little thing to take personally from the other person, which I will then jump all over as it is validating what I have already been brewing in my own mind.  ” Aha, I knew it, they don’t like me/criticize or gossip about me to others/that was a slight to me/they meant me/ ok that ‘s enough time with them, they are not good for me. ”

It is interesting, as I choose a person to approach to investigate this point, to see what thoughts/backchat come up in my mind, and was planning to do so last night. It was an AA medallion (alcoholics anonymous celebration of so many years of sobriety) meeting of a woman we both know.  When the formal part of the meeting was over and I looked for her and saw her talking to another person, the thought that came up was, ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’ and instead of being aware I beLIEved my own backchat and avoided her! But that was the very point of the exercise, lol, to choose someone whom I don’t feel quite comfortable with/uneasy with/want to limit my time/interaction with.

What is in and behind this thought? Some more thoughts were like, ‘Oh there she is, that other woman she’s talking to I also find difficult. I don’t want to talk to either of them, I’ll just enjoy taking to the people I ‘like'” which means the people I am at ease with=it’s easy because I don’t have to look at myself/my reactions/the people I ‘like’ are not a threat to my own mind.

Why do I believe it is difficult/uncomfortable to talk to her?  Because I assume she looks at me/judges me in a negative light, that she disapproves of my life choices-career and how I spend my time, my AA participation is much less since I have dedicated my spare time to Desteni and I think she judges me as wrong for this, I believe I have to perform for her -be a ‘I’m ok/life is grand’ character, proving to her I am making the right choices and I find this tiring/draining energy, I do not dress the same as her anymore (or for the last few years) as in fashionable clothes, high heels, make up, and hair done and I assume she judges me as wrong/ not ‘one of the winners‘ for this.

About 5 years ago, she was my AA sponsor for a 2 year period.  Although supportive and kind in many ways, she proved to be a gossip and untrustworthy with confidentiality (not that I have anything to hide but at the time-it was several years ago-I did not want her to share some information).  But also there is some old jealousy like, ‘she always looks perfect, why can’t my hair be so gorgeous like that, she thinks she’s hot, she is hot and men think she is hot, men don’t think I am hot anymore, she is calm, why am I still sometimes so scattered, she likes other women more than me, why can’t I be popular like her?’ Lastly, she seems to do the ‘once over’ look at me (like quick up and down, a physical assessment) and I worry I will ‘fail’ her test, like I don’t look good anymore. When we do talk and she asks about my life, I feel like she is looking for something to criticize and then gossip about to another.

Although, this is not someone I want to spend alot of time with, she is a being one and equal to me and I do not know if any of my assumptions are correct or not but that is not the point here. The point is, what is coming up inside of myself-the thoughts/backchats/pictures/memories are unacceptable and not based in reality at all. In reality, she was just standing there talking to another woman and I could have walked over and said hello. As well, in reality when we speak (about once a month at a meeting) she is always pleasant and interested in how I am doing for whatever reasons AND is in no way threatening or harmful and I have no right to judge her in those moments, I need to stick to the physical. 

As well, I can see how I have created a character in my mind of taking every little voice inclination/look/movement of how she plays with her hair, when speaking with me, personally!  Basically a ‘needing to be liked’ character and assuming she doesn’t like me and she is wrong/a bad person for this and I am right/a good person. Therefore, I am unable to have a real/sincere conversation with her (consumed by my own fear and judging her makes me feel better/superior) thus unable to offer any genuine support/assistance to another or establish any meaningful connection/communication with this person.

The Solution to Taking Things Personally in the next Post

An Economist’s Journey To Life:  Q & A Living Income Guaranteed

basicincome.me.